Gracious Thanks for Less Than Stellar Gifts

We all got one--the heinous gift. Whether it was a reindeer sweater, a gigantic homemade ceramic vase, or a year's supply of turkey jerky, it's here. Now it's time to face the Grace challenge: writing a sincere sounding thank you for said atrocity. Yes, you have to write the note. But I am here to hold your hand, steady your pen, and suggest some phrasing for even the most bizarre and horrid of gifts. Here goes:

I know you are tempted to write:

Dear Aunt Hilda,
I received your package just in time for Christmas. The fact that you think that I would want such a hideous item in my home makes me question whether or not you should still be living without supervision. Where one even finds life size opossum statues is a mystery. The thing scared the crap out of me! I shall destroy it at my earliest convenience.
Truthfully,
Grace

But a Grace would only think it, and possibly share the draft and a snarky giggle with a few discreet, inner sanctum fellow Graces. Instead, a Grace would send the following missive to the misguided Aunt Hilda:

Dear Aunt Hilda,
What a surprise to receive your Christmas gift! The opossum statue is certainly unique and very life like. It was so kind of you to remember us at Christmas as we celebrate our first holiday in our new home. We will definitely be needing accoutrements to adorn our abode. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and generosity.
With Love and Best Wishes,
Grace

Dear Sue and Bill,
You can’t imagine what went through my head when I opened the pink scarf with kittens on it! I wouldn’t use this thing as a tourniquet if I were bleeding to death. Do I look like someone who dresses up in f&*%$#g kitten scarves?
Meow,
Grace

But what you actually write is:

Dear Sue and Bill,
How kind of you to remember my birthday. The scarf is very sweet; my daughter fell in love with it before it was out of the box, so I may be forced to share it with her. Thank you again.
Best,
Grace

Dear Helga,
Many thanks for the lovely sauna towel. I know how much expertise and experience you have in this area, so I know it is of the highest quality and most current style. The anti-bacterial coating and stain resistant finish make it especially useful, not to mention the amazing chartreuse color--my favorite! It was so generous of you to take the time to choose something for me; I know I will enjoy using the towel when I next travel to Finland.
Again, many thanks for such a thoughtful and unique gift.
Best,
Grace K


Dear Vin,
I wanted to thank you for the wonderful bottle of Pinot Noir you gave me for Christmas. I was pleased to share it with my family over the holidays as a perfect accompaniment to our roast duck. It certainly came in handy when my younger brother threatened to drink my Dr. Hauschka Facial Toner if I did not come up with some more hooch pronto! I know how much of a wine connoisseur you are--proven by the wonderful bottle you chose--and I appreciate the care you took in selecting a gift for me.
Many thanks for your thoughtfulness and generosity.
Best,
Grace

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AmericanStationery.com
Smythson.com

You don't have to go the personalized route--just please avoid the cards that actually have "Thank You" printed on them. Strenuously avoid anything with big-eyed children, overwhelming cabbage roses, or baby animals. Now get writing Graces!

If you need some additional inspiration, here's Dido with her own version of "Thank You."