You Don't Say!

Do I really look this old, Graces?

Has anyone else been subject recently to comments that simply should not be uttered? I have.


First, and this one really smarts--A neighbor helped me out of a scheduling jam yesterday morning and took my son to school for me. She is a very youthful 30 year old, had her two-year old in tow, and is visibly pregnant. A newish teacher at the school asked me later that day if that was my daughter. Which, for those of you who are still doing the math, means that (1) this teacher thinks I am old enough to have a 30 year old daughter and (2) that I am a grandmother.
Ouch.

Second: I was in Zumba last week and a woman in front of me doubled over in apparent pain. It appeared that she had pulled something in her mid-section the way she was cradling her abdomen. Still smarting from my recently healed fractured foot, I have a lot of empathy for the injured . I took a step toward her and asked if she was ok. She responded, "Yes, I just have gas." Well, I was speechless. And behind her.

What's a Grace to do?

Absolutely nothing. (Though I confess to taking a few steps backward and staying there for the duration of the class.)

This would be one of the many examples of things better left unsaid. You could certainly make the case that I did ask--but Grace would have lied. Or been truthfully tactful: "I"m ok, just a slight cramp."

Have you been the recipient of comments like these? How did you handle them?

In searching for an appropriate video clip for today's post, I came across this one--while not totally on point, it gave me a chuckle....and having been mistaken for a Granny yesterday, I can use all the laughs I can get. Enjoy.

ReGifting Debacles

In the aftermath of the holidays I have encountered several regifting horror tales. From a gifting point of view these rank right up there with the shower scene in Psycho.


The first instance was my very own. I received a lovely sweater for Christmas from "Aunt Evelyn". (Don't worry, that is not her real name and she doesn't read my blog). To my slight dismay, it was a size too big, but I was confident that I would be able to do an even exchange and be rockin' my new cardie pronto. Normally, I wouldn't have even mentioned the impending switch to the giver, but I was concerned that the return might be noted on "Evelyn's" credit card account and she--ever paranoid of online commerce--would fear she had been hacked.

When I broke the news to my aunt that I'd be making the change, she was oddly opposed. "Isn't it cotton, dear? It will probably shrink." I persisted, and reiterated that I was only telling her because I didn't want to flag her Visa. Then I called the retailer. They traced the purchase using Evelyn's name and zip code, and then the CSR read the following: "Happy Birthday Evelyn, with love from Janet." And there it was: The sweater was a REGIFT!

What's a Grace to do?

Absolutely nothing. For the same reason that I felt duty bound to let "Evelyn" know that I was making the exchange--the off chance that the credit/charge was somehow posted on Janet's account--I couldn't possibly proceed. This could have alerted "Janet" that the lovely cardigan that she bestowed up on Evelyn for her birthday had been regifted. So I did the next best thing: I gave the sweater to my mom, sharing the whole sordid tale with her. She was thrilled with this post-holiday surprise and got a good laugh out of it besides.

The next two tales come from a loyal reader. She writes:

Dear Grace,
I gave my father and step-mother a George Foreman grill for Christmas. They had admired ours on a previous visit and talked about how much they enjoy grilled food but how their living space does not allow for outdoor barbecuing. This seemed like a perfect gift. Alas, he called to "thank" us and said: "We're giving the grill to your step-brother Fred because we know he'll use it more than we would." I blame my wicked stepmother, but still....
And the second: I gave a Christmas ornament to my neighbor that was decorated with local emblems (the name of our city and its crest, some iconic landmarks--it sounds kitchy but it was tasteful). She wrote me a thank you and in it said, "I gave the ornament to my daughter. Now that she lives in Seattle, it will be good for her to have a remembrance of her hometown."

What gives?

Grace Says:

These are both instances of sharing too much. Both parties should have quit at "thank you." It is unlikely that you would have caught them in the regift had they not outed themselves, and their unnecessary outspokenness was potentially hurtful and assuredly thoughtless. Console yourself with the knowledge that you are indeed a Grace: giving a present that someone had admired and expressed a desire for is the utmost in skilled gifting, and giving a gift to a neighbor that connotes that which you share (i.e. your hometown) is both clever and meaningful. It's tough to be a Grace surrounded by Grunts.

The moral of the story Graces, is that when regifting, do so with the utmost care and keep your regifting to yourself. Aunt Evelyn didn't even violate any of my regift rules and she was busted--it's a delicate business to be sure. The others, well, they need to remember that ever so simple GraceRule: If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

Holiday Horror

Dear Social Grace,
I was the victim of what I think was epic rudeness last week--should this situation arise again, I'd like your advice on how to handle it.

We hosted extended family over Christmas week, which included my widowed father-in-law for a 4 day stay. His other son came with a steady girlfriend for one night. I was in a bit of a quandary--we only have one fully equipped guest room with en suite bath, and I felt it best to give it to "Dad". I cleared this with my husband and his brother; they agreed. Bro said he and GF would bunk anywhere since it was just one night. Happily, I set up the guest room for Dad and planned to give the happy couple my daughters' room which contains two twin beds.

We had a lovely day on Christmas, and when it came time to retire for the night, I showed GF to her room. She recoiled in horror, "why are we in a twin room?" she asked. I calmly gave her the reasons outlined above, emphasized that her BF approved the plan and showed her the way to the bathroom and clean towels. She complained that Dad was only one person, so why should he get the queen bed with private bath, while they were two. She was quite determined that I change the setup. I just walked out. Soon thereafter, my daughter realized she had forgotten her pjs, and popped into the room to retrieve them. The "aunt" stood up, cursed loudly, and shouted "That's it. I'm leaving." When my daughter entered the room, the "aunt" was not sleeping, disrobed, or in any other state that would preclude an 8 year old girl from coming in, but this was clearly the last straw.

She grabbed her suitcase and walked out the front door, evidently planning to drive 150 miles home. My brother-in-law went tearing out after her. Thirty minutes later, the two returned, poured themselves generous measures of whiskey, rejoined the party and acted as if nothing had happened.

We all had an ill-advised extra nightcap and carried on with the evening. Your thoughts, Grace?

Grace Says:

Oh, dear. Hardly visions of sugarplums, that. I'd say you handled the situation with perfect Grace.

• Yes to giving the elderly relative the most comfortable accommodations.
  
• Yes to providing a heads up to brother-in-law about the sleeping arrangement.
• Yes to showing this specimen to her room and courteously but firmly sticking to your guns.
• Yes to your daughters generously vacating their room for the visitors.
  

You showed remarkable restraint in not saying something like:

"Well, if you can't sleep in separate beds for one night there are several hot sheets motels within driving distance, I think they charge by the hour. I can't promise their sheets will be clean but mine are."

"I do apologize that you are uncomfortable with this arrangement; my daughters are sleeping on the basement floor so that you and Bro might have beds; you are most welcome to trade with them if that is preferable."

"Are you hoping to elevate your status from GF to Fiancee? If so, I question your strategy."

But much better to have taken the high road. Let's hope that by next Christmas, Bro finds another companion under his tree.

Happy Holidays

Ok, Graces, this holiday wish and sign off is coming a bit early this year, but I recognize my limitations. I'm thoroughly enjoying the hustle and bustle, and I know that I won't be posting from now thru the new year.

Got a huge kick out of this Hanukkah song, which was played in my Spin class this morning:

Candlelight. Click it, honest, you will crack up.

And Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without my beloved Bruce Springsteen's version of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town.



So, my dear Graces, Happy Everything. I'll be back in Jan.

Holiday Gifts for Kids

Dear Grace,
I have four siblings, all of whom have at least two kids. I have no kids and one salary. How do I gracefully reduce my gift giving? I want to be a good sister and aunt, but I've started to dread birthdays and holidays.

Grace Says:

Suggest the following arrangement with your sibs: Once there are children involved, presents go to them only. This way, you are being both a good sister and aunt, and keeping the cost manageable. You're making your sibs' kids happy...which should make your sibs happy in the process. Give the grown-ups cards and/or things like homemade goods or coupons for a night of babysitting. Let them continue to buy things for you if they wish...until you have children of your own.


Dear Grace:

I'm a clueless but well meaning uncle. What can I give my seven year old niece for Christmas that won't make either her or her mom hate me?

Grace Says:

I love questions from well-meaning uncles. Especially ones who realize that we moms might not always agree with our daughters about what's cool or appropriate.

Some great options in this situation:




A charm bracelet. The first occasion, buy the bracelet and one charm (there are fab options online, most big department stores sell charms, or you can go upscale for the bracelet and first charm and do Tiffany.) For any or all gift occasions after that, you can give a charm that says something about her life at that point. My goddaughter, now 8 years old, has an extensive collection of charms that recall milestone memories in her life: a bikini charm for the year she learned to swim, a chihuahua charm when she got a puppy, a tutu during her ballet phase, a tiara for her princess obsession. This Christmas she's getting a microphone to commemorate her recent performance in her school's musical production. (Much as I adore my niece, I thankfully live too far away to attend. I'll watch the edited version of her scenes when I see her on Christmas.)

A book/toy combo. This is great for boys, too. Amazon.com or a good bookstore clerk can tell you what's hot and intelligent for the recipient's age group (you should have an idea whether the child is on the more- or less- mature-for-her/his-age end of the spectrum- ask the mother if you need to). Mom will love the book. We hope the kid will, too, but kids will never complain if you add a toy that's somehow connected. Like The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane with a stuffed bunny. The wonderful yet overlooked Ozma of Oz with a bling-y crown/tiara. Big Truck and Little Truck with a toy truck. Lily's Purple Plastic Purse with, I bet you can guess. The Invention of Hugo Cabret with a toy robot.

Or put the two together: a book with a charm: a copy of Charlotte's Web with a pig charm. The Spiderwick Chronicles with a fairy charm or a little key to go with A Secret Garden"...

Happy Holidays, Graces. Remember, it's the thought that counts, even if the kids haven't learned that yet.

Listening Skills

This time of year I am mostly focused on issues surrounding holiday etiquette, but a recent event prompted me to deviate from this timely theme. This unfortunate occurrence at a social event, and demonstrated a profound lack of empathy for another's real problems by someone who, by and large, is a Grace.

The UsualGrace asked about a friend's teen, who had been struggling with various problems. Whether it was good form to make such an inquiry in public is absolutely questionable--a True Grace would only do so in a quiet, private setting--but at that point, the Chanel was out of the atomizer. The beleaguered mom gave a brief, honest, and rather depressing account of their recent troubles. UsualGrace said, "Where is she now?" Mom said, "She's home watching Glee." UG said, "Well, that's what all the kids are into. It sounds like she's perfectly fine. I don't understand what you are so worried about. If she can appreciate something that is so normal, I'm sure she'll sort herself out."

Oh, dear.

My assessment of whether the appreciation of Glee is an indication that a person is "fine" aside, the abject dismissal of this family's challenges is downright flagrant.


But notwithstanding my objection to this, ahem, cultural phenom...if you are going to ask about a person's troubles, you'd better be prepared to hear them and respond with something akin to sympathy or understanding. And no, I am not referring to people who respond to the general "How are you" with a detailed description of their intestinal machinations.

To simply disregard a real crisis as "perfectly fine" is insulting, hurtful, and probably made the mom feel even more isolated and upset than she already was. Doubtless UG was trying to make the mom less worried by attempting to minimize her problems, but it backfired. You know what they say about the road to hell. The mom excused herself tactfully, and left the event soon after this unfortunate conversation.

So let's recap, Graces.

If a friend is going through a rough time....

DO offer a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on at an appropriate time. "Appropriate" can be defined as a small, quiet setting where you will have some time to talk. It cannot be defined as warmup of zumba class, at a workplace meeting, or at a raucous happy hour.
DO express your understanding in a supportive, non-judgmental way: "That must be so difficult." "I am so sorry you are going through this."
DO offer help: "I don't know if there is anything I can do, but if there is, I'll do it." "Can I drive you to an appointment/pick up your kids/bring you some groceries/come by with a pint of ice cream and a large spoon?"

DON'T say dismissively that everything will be fine.
DON'T ask for particulars in the middle of a large gathering or social occasion. If the person has made the effort to get out, s/he is probably eager to escape the trouble for a spell.
DON'T make ill-informed diagnostic statements. "He likes to watch football? Well, then I'm sure he's over his clinical depression." "I read an article about that in People; Kim Kardashian's cousin was cured with hypnosis and wheat grass juice."

Grace on TV

I was asked by Good Day Philadelphia to share some tips on gift giving. So I did....

Gym Etiquette 101

Gym Etiquette is the topic of the day...and you know I am a huge fan of Modern Family, so I couldn't resist posting this clip of Mitchell doing "Troga".



I know I have talked about this scourge before. Here too. But rudeness at the gym continues, and a reader requested a refresher on Do's and Don'ts. So, here are a few friendly (or not so friendly) Grace reminders...

DO:

• Wash your gym clothes regularly. Seriously, there seem to be some people who operate on the theory that "they're going to get sweaty anyway so why bother?". This is patently gross and wholly inconsiderate of the people around you.

• Respect personal space when you are passing fellow gym-goers at work. When people are stretching, lifting, planking, and otherwise contorting their bodies in the quest for lithe and fit muscles, do not walk by them in close proximity. Their pose or hoist may be precarious and if they twitch to avoid you they risk injury to them and you. Give a wide birth to people engrossed in serious (or not) reps.
• Similarly, don't get any closer than is absolutely necessary during exercise. If there's only one treadmill free, and it's immediately adjacent to a fellow jogger, then you must take it; if there is an alternative, choose it. Ditto at Yoga, Spinning, Pilates, Tai Chi, or any other class. No one wants to breathe your sweaty fumes or inhale your exhalation.
• Consider your attire. I don't care if you look like Victoria (or David) Beckham. Your abs are your own business, we don't need to see them no matter how proud they make you.

DON'T

• There's simply no Gracious way to address this, but a reader specifically asked for this one to be mentioned....If your body has a need to emit a malodorous fume, remove yourself to a private space--ideally the loo, but if that is not practical, at least to a less populous zone. Better yet consider a home workout or perhaps an outdoor jog if you seem particularly 'bubbly' on a given day.
• Treat the locker room as your personal valet space. In other words, don't lay out your products from hair gel to foot cream across every surface so that others have no space to prep.
• Hog the equipment. Bully for you if you plan to do supersets with increasingly large dumbbells. But consider the fact that other people want to do reps, too. Do your set, put the weights back, and grab the next increment. I promise, your biceps will still bulge, even if they have to wait 30 seconds between sets. Ditto the cardio or weight machines--remember that lesson you (should have) learned in Kindergarten about taking turns?
  

At this time of year, especially, we're all fighing the battle of the bulge. So be Gracious out there!