Why I Dislike Showers

Yesterday's question got me thinking about showers. The truth is that no one really looks forward to attending a shower. The reaction to a shower invitation ranges from grim resignation to abject horror.

It's not the concept of feting a woman on the brink of marriage or motherhood that I find horrific--in fact, that is a lovely idea. Good food and drink, convivial company, and generous gifts honoring a loved one on an important occasion--that's what Graces do. I just strenuously object to the format.

This stems not from religious beliefs, nor superstition, nor family tradition, merely the abhorrence of an event dedicated solely to opening gifts and showcasing them to everyone in attendance.

This gift ritual defies every facet of Grace--it requires guests to sit idle and bored, intermittently feign interest and elation at a stock pot, mix master, or toaster, endure the not very subtle gift competition, and cease all interaction with their fellow hostages for the duration of this torture. (I swear I was "shushed" at a shower once when I recklessly attempted conversation while the the bride-to-be waved her new dishtowels overhead for all to see.) In addition, the potential for sherbet punch, crepe paper decorations, gelatin-laced food, ridiculous games, and endless gift commentary looms large. Not to mention the sacrificial Saturday or Sunday we are asked to give up like an Aztec virgin atop a volcano.

My sisters and I have crafted an assembly-line strategy that we employ at our family's showers. It works well to reduce the hostage time (i.e. gift opening and display) to a minimum. We station ourselves, guerilla-troop style, around the guest of honor. We procure a pair of scissors to avoid fussing with all of those ribbons and paper, (thus preserving our manicures) paper and pen, and we move fast. One of us cuts and removes some of the wrapping, and passes the gift to the bride,who removes the gift from the box and holds it up; the second gift handler moves in quickly, secures the item, and puts it back in the box. This can be a tricky job and must be given to someone with fast hands and fortitude--they prevent passing the item around the room even if persnickety aunts demand it. The third commando catalogs each item with the name of the giver. We have gotten through 30 gifts in 10 minutes with this method.

It is not for the faint-hearted, and there could be some flak from the devotees of the old ways, but progress comes at a price.

Shower Guests

Dear Grace,
Is it acceptable to invite people to a bridal shower who will not be included in the wedding? My future sister-in-law has two lists and I think they need to be fused.

Dear Sis,
You are correct. If you are invited to shower the expectation is that you are invited to the wedding. Exceptions exist, of course--if it is avery small or destination wedding that most friends/family won't attend,then it is conceivable that a shower invitees might not be on wedding list, but not for a traditional, medium-to-large wedding. It is also possible if the bride-to-be hails from somewhere far from where her wedding will be held that her extended hometown family might throw her a shower without expecting an invite to the big event.

Tell your future s-i-l to merge and cull the lists; it will save hurt feelings and miffed relatives down the road. Weddings are enough of a minefield without asking for trouble. Thanks for writing!

Since we're talking wedding, I'll share Glee's version of this momentous event. Just between us Graces, I have not jumped on the Glee-wagon, but I seem to be in the minority. Since that is the case, enjoy....

How to Handle Vacation Crashers

Dear Grace,
We recently booked an all-inclusive spring break vacation. At a PTA meeting later that day, people were chatting about travel and I mentioned our upcoming trip. Today I learned that, as a result of my conversation, another family has booked the same trip, and I am not happy. We have rarely socialized w them, although we do overlap--the mom heads my boys' soccer league and we both volunteer at the school. Their older son has been unkind to my son several times, but the younger bro's are friends. Cut to the chase...She wants to meet for meals and book excursions. I want to have a family vacation without these people. But I don't want to offend them. Help???

Grace Says:

Oh, my that is an awkward situation. I had a similar challenge several years ago--I had recklessly become friends with a neighbor who had a child the same age as mine. You know how that happens, same schedule, glad of company, then you realize that you have nothing in common and you'd rather have an unanaesthetized root canal than spend one more minute with this chick.

Anyway, we were planning a family trip to FL and I ill-advisedly mentioned it. She said, "Oh, we've been dying to get away. Tell me where you are you staying so we can meet there!" I said, in what I thought was a relatively gentle way, "I think it would be best if we don't vacation together." She was deeply hurt and we were never really friends again. Of course, that suited me just fine. Graces don't want to be cruel, but we do want to escape from miserable social situations. In my case, I at least had the advantage of foreknowledge and was able to take preventive measures. You, poor dear, are stuck. To minimize exposure I recommend several tactics:

1. Contact the resort and request rooms, tables and any other communal accommodations away from this family.

2. Pre-arrange activities so that you and yours are busy and occupied so that there is less chance for interaction. (But make sure they are things you actually want to spend your vacation doing, not just filling up the day with shuffleboard tournaments and sushi classes to evade detection.)

3. Explain to this vacation-crashing mom that you are really looking to have a FAMILY vacation and plan to spend time as a family unit. It is nice that you will be at the same resort but you are really planning on a lot of quality time as a family. Offer up ONE evening to have dinner w/ them (or some other activity that you could endure w/o agony) but the rest of the time spend w/ just you and yours.

None of these is foolproof but worth a shot.

Good luck. Maybe they will all get sunburned and stay in their rooms the whole time. Or maybe they'll take an excursion tour and.......

What's Your Name?

Yesterday's post got me thinking about name recognition and reminded me of a mortifying situation I landed in several years ago. Have you ever gotten someone's name wrong, and stuck with the erroneous handle for months without being corrected? For your sakes, Graces, I hope not; it is sheer hell. Here's the story....

We were in the habit of frequenting a local restaurant and generally had the same waiter. We became quite friendly with him over the year and realized too late that we did not know his name. Of course, he knew ours because of our reservation, which made it especially awkward. And the restaurant was small enough that it felt wrong to ask one of his coworkers.

One Friday evening, about 6 months into our love affair with this place, my sister joined us for dinner. I explained the waiter-name situation, and she immediately grasped my dilemma: "You're past the point," she said astutely, "but never fear, GraceSis is here! I'll introduce myself and get his name for you." Which she promptly did when she got up from the table and asked the whereabouts of the loo. She returned, bursting with intel. "Edgar," she said discreetly. Boy, were we relieved. We enjoyed regular Friday evenings at the establishment, and were taken good care of by our fave waiter "Edgar". We were relieved and delighted to be able to greet him by name and we did so with enthusiasm and courtesy, feeling, perhaps that we were making up for the first 6 months of "Hello, great to see you, nice to be back". All was well.

Fast forward to December. The restaurant had decorated for Christmas by hanging personalized stockings for each employee. I searched for Edgar's stocking, thinking that I might put something in it as a thank you for all of his good service throughout the year. Imagine my dismay when I found no "Edgar" stocking. I was pretty sure he celebrated Christmas, because he hailed from a Latin American country that is 99% Catholic. I knew he was still employed there because he was serving our table that very night. And then I saw it. Big as life: HECTOR.

The restaurant has since closed, we have not seen Hector in years, but I still wince at the boo boo. And it wasn't really Sis's fault; the place was lively and loud and "Hector" does sound like "Edgar" in the midst of a hundred festive voices.

Moral of story, like a band-aid or bikini wax, quicker is preferable. Tis far better to suffer a brief embarrassment early on than to endure deep, lasting humiliation later.

And speaking of brief embarrassment or lasting humiliation.....

Workin' 9 to 5

Hi Graces,

Sorry I have been absent this week; started a consulting gig recently and am a bit overwhelmed.

Back soon with some goooood stories!

Zumba This, B$#@*!

You know how much I love zumba, Graces. It is the one fitness activity that I have discovered that I genuinely look forward to. Most others I view as a sacrifice on the altar of thin. (or in my case, not thin exactly, but acceptably curvy.) So imagine my dismay when yesterday's class was ruined for me by some lollipop who thinks she's Beyonce.

In case you are not familiar with the term lollipop, it refers to a person who is abnormally thin from the neck down, giving the appearance that her head is overly large. There are swarms of them in Hollywood, think Victoria Beckam or Renee Zellweger:

but the species is far less common here Philadelphia. Cousin to the lollipop is the BOS (boobs on stilts) or TOS (slightly more vulgar version of same), with the curves having been tacked on by the marvels of modern medicine. But back to my Zumbic horror tale...

So, there I was, early for class, water bottle and towel in place, having staked out my fave spot toward the front. This is not for vanity or exhibitionism, rather to compensate for my bad vision. I don't like to wear glasses lest they fly off during a particularly energetic spin, so I need to stand fairly near the teacher. I am partial to this one spot up front because there is a pillar directly behind it, thus preventing anyone from stationing themselves right behind me. (I feel strongly about personal space; note to self: cover that topic in post next week.) Imagine my pique when the aforementioned lollipop arrived five minutes late (another Gracepeeve) to a rather full class and plunked herself directly behind me in the no-dance zone. Imagine my further pique when she inched slowly forward with each step, leaving me to choose between being slugged by her flying hands and feet or surrendering my coveted spot.

Well, Graces, you know what I did. I did what Graces always do, which is to compensate for the bad behavior of others. I moved over, telling myself that it was obviously very important for her self esteem to be front and center, availing herself of a full view of her gyrating hips and totally immobile artificial breasts. This forced me to encroach on my neighbor's spot, which troubled me greatly. I apologized to the encroach-ee after the class, explaining that I had been summarily shoved over and had no other option without starting a battle for territory.

So even though I took the higher ground, I had much less fun in Zumba yesterday. And I can't have that. Since Graces, like the Boy Scouts (minus the homophobia), always plan ahead, I am considering strategies on how to prevent a repeat offense next week:

1. Let it go. She really seems to need the attention, rude though she is in her quest for it, and based on her shape and its enhancements, I should pity rather than censure her.

2. Speak up (A). "I'm sure it was an accident last week, but you kept moving into my space and that forced me to move over several times during the class. Please try not to do that again. It makes it harder for me to follow the instructor and pushes me into other people. It's a crowded class so we all have to be mindful of our space so no one gets hurt. Thanks."

3. Speak up (B). "I know this class is popular and spots are first come first served. I arrive early to get this one so please don't move into it while I am standing here."

4. Speak up (C). "Yo, Black Swan! Take you, your microscopic ass and your fake boobs and step to the rear. I was here first, Dammit."

Class is Thursday, so stay tuned, Graces.

And a parting clip--I'm a total sucker for BritComs--we've all been here--in fitness class, kind of wishing you were somewhere else, paying no attention, and suffering humiliation when the entire group is on to crunches while you, oblivious, continue jumping jacks.

Gym Jams

I know, I have been on about Grunts at the gym recently.

My Spinning class seems to be particularly problematic. Here is my latest horror tale: The cycling studio was jam-pack crowded; favorite teacher, new year's resolutions still intact, convenient time. Normally, I choose a bike near the wall so I only risk one annoying person sitting next to me but the pickings were slim due to the turnout and I was stuck in the center--the airline equivalent to a middle seat, alas. You won't believe this, but I ended up sitting next to Mr. Handshake--remember him--he of the sweaty palms from last week's class?

Anyway, as I made my preparations--water bottle stowed, towel arranged over the handle bars, bike adjusted to my dimensions--my friendly neighbor shared his spin-thusiasm. "Are you ready to go? Gonna hit it hard today! You up for it?" Needless to say, these remarks were not pleasing to me, but there was nowhere to go. I replied with the barest minimum of courtesy, "sure." and hoped that ended it.

Do I need to tell you, Graces, that my one syllable was construed as an invitation for Mr. Thinks-he's-Lance-Armstrong to appoint himself my personal spin coach for the duration of the class? Yup. For the entire 50 minutes I had a motivational speaker on my left: "Go, go. I'm pacing you. Follow my feet. You got it. Push it, you can do it. Sprint, sprint. Endurance. Your head limits your legs, don't let it! Mind over Matter" and other suchlike muscle-head phrases that essentially ruined the class for me. I couldn't hear the actual instructor, I couldn't really go at my own pace with this shouter to my left, and I felt heckled the whole time. (Ok, I'll admit, I probably got more out of the class and worked harder than I otherwise would have, but the irritation factor far surpassed any benefit.) If I'm there, that's enough for me--I don't have to break any records or impress my fellow soldiers fighting the battle of the bulge.

I know the following spoof is well, a spoof. But this dork is really not far off from my nightmarish spinning neighbor. Watch:




And while I am on the subject of fitness Grunts, can someone please tell me when people deemed it de rigeur to display their midsections at the gym? I don't want to look at my own "work in progress" abs let alone anyone else's. Yes, I'll admit, some people can carry it off--they are generally 19, spend all of their spare time (which, when you are 19, you have a lot of) working out, and they have ripped tummies. Good for them. I get it--if you've got 'em flaunt 'em, emphasize your assets, whatever. They are not really the ones I object to, although I am not in general a proponent of exposed belly skin. The ones I can't stand are the ones who, well, really shouldn't be sharing that view. No one wants to see your back fat or spare tire--especially when it's jiggling on the treadmill or stairmaster. Trust me.

Here are some guidelines on when it's ok to engage in mid section exposure:

1. If you are at a beach, pool, or jacuzzi and there is no muffin top involved.

2. If you are built like Victoria (or David) Beckham.

3. If you are in the privacy of your own home.

Aside from that, keep it covered, and be ready, Graces, to avert your eyes, should a violator enter your field of vision!

Om My God, Will You Please Shut Up?

Yesterday's post about a Grunt at the gym opened the floodgates. I guess it's all those people who promised themselves on New Year's Eve that this would be the year they achieved total fitness. Here's one for you Yogic Graces.....


Dear Grace,

I attend a weekly Yoga class and recently there have been some new students who blab through the entire practice. It ruins the whole thing for me; I am there for both the physical and mental benefit and I leave feeling stressed out and angry as opposed to centered. What to do?


Grace Says:

Ah, the Yoga Resolution. Can't you just hear them at the New Year's Eve party, as they swill their apple martinis or Champ-ale: "Buffy, Trixie, Let's make like a NY Res and do like Yoga together! I am so not going alone, but I so think we should do it as a group. Jennifer Aniston does it and i wannabe her!"

But I digress. On to your question...

Tattle. It's that simple. You don't want to become the scolding Yogic schoolmarm, mid-Chataranga, shushing people as you flow. Discreetly let the instructor know that this is a problem--I find it curious that he/she hasn't noticed by now. The teacher should make an announcement about the need for peace and silence throughout the practice to afford maximum benefit to all. It might be worth a word to the facility's management as well; they could post a sign, conspicuously located, reminding participants to respect the Yoga space and maintain a quiet, contemplative atmosphere.

I found the following clip of a frustration scenario in Yoga class rather amusing. Make sure you address the problem of the Yoga yakkers before you get to this point. Thanks for writing and Namaste.