Grace Gives Credit Where Credit Is Due

Just because someone has behaved like a Grunt doesn't mean that he cannot display Grace. I would have bet my Tiffany soup spoons that I would never be commending Michael Vick's good manners. But after yesterday's Eagle victory over the Colts, well, let's just say that I'm glad that I never wagered the Provence Pattern Silverware, or we'd be slurping our pumpkin bisque with straws come Thanksgiving. I have remarked on Vick's Gruntly 'Tude before. But I am here today to report that Vick's willingness to share credit with his teammates, his (relative) humility, good sportsmaship, and his courteous respect and regard for his opponents was an impressive and marked improvement. Watch:




This doesn't mean I'd engage him as a pet sitter, but this is a 180 turn for the better from his self-tooting bloviation after Game 1--which, you may recall, was when teammate and starting QB Kevin Kolb suffered a concussion. Vick entered the game under these circ's, performed very well, but ruined it in The Grace's book by remarking that had he played all four quarters the Eagles would have won. (I readily admit that most NFL fans do not share my scorn on this particular conduct, but here's hoping.)

Transport the Food, Not the Heirloom Platter

Dear Grace,
For Thanksgiving, my family tends to do a pot luck meal, and I am invariably assigned to bring two or three side dishes. I want to present the offerings in the way that looks attractive and is convenient to my hostess, but I also want to make sure I get my dishes back before next Thanksgiving. Any suggestions?

Grace says:

In general, Graces deliver food in containers that they don't want back because of the hassle factor. Aluminum trays, paper plates, disposable tupperware and even ziploc bags are much more user- friendly, and can be easier on both cook and recipient. Of course, we wouldn't dream of serving in said vessels save for the most informal picnic settings. For holiday dinners you want to make sure that the table is attractively arrayed with pretty dishes, not EZ Foil.

To that end, Graces keep a supply of inexpensive plates on hand for times like these. You can pick them up virtually anywhere--buy the odds and ends left on sale at a department store like Macy's or a get a set at a place like Target. I have a stack of plain white plates in my basement, and I am never concerned if they break or do not return home. And, in the likely event that your hosts have serving pieces of their own that they prefer to use, you can return the plate to your stash for future use.

Your question reminded me of a mortifying situation that I found myself in last year....It started with a serving tray. I hosted a brunch and a friend brought a tray heaped with bagels and all the fixings. She left early, but told me I could drop the tray with her doorman later. I should have just dumped the bagels onto another plate , but I was engrossed in the party. Following the brunch, I cleaned the tray, and planned to drop it to the doorman the next day. But one of the folks helping me in the kitchen put the tray away in my cupboard without my knowledge. I subsequently had reason to drop a few items with my friend's doorman, so when she asked me about the tray I had a vague memory of having delivered it. She never received the tray and was a bit concerned that the doorman had absconded with it.

We discussed possible malfeasance scenarios. She complained to the building superintendent, but no tray turned up. Months later, the friend's uncle passed away and she was asked to bring cookies to the reception. The missing tray had belonged to the late uncle's mother, so they particularly wanted it used. Sadly, it remained MIA. Imagine my shock and horror, when, several months after the funeral while preparing for a party of my own, I climbed up to the tippy-top of my china cabinet and pulled down an unfamiliar tray. Lo and behold. The doorman's name was cleared. The APB on the china thief was called off. And I had egg the size of Montana on my face. Fortunately, my friend is a Grace with an excellent sense of humor and she found the entire episode hilarious.

Speaking of thieves, real or imagined, I got to thinking about this film....If you haven't seen it, you should, it's a classic. The stars, the scenery, and the clothes alone are worth the price of the Netflix rental.

What Not To Say

Pop Quiz. Which of the following true stories would put a serious chip in a Grace's manicure?

1) A certain Grace, sartorially splendid in this season's gauzy, Empire top, is just settling down for a pleasant lunch in her fave restaurant with a fellow Grace. An acquaintance breezes in, waves in greeting, and loudly announces, "Omigod, I had no idea you were pregnant!" She isn't.
2) Dinner party, four friendly couples, good food and great wine. The subject turns to a mutual friend's new image consulting business. One diner turns to the speaker and says, "Well, you won't be engaging their services; you obviously never care what you look like."
3) At kickboxing class one Sunday morning, a spandex clad gym bunny takes a break from lifting her leg, lunges at a classmate and says, "I saw your boyfriend last night out dancing. He looked like he was having such a great time! Where were you?"
4) A horse-healthy mother-of-three is scheduled for her first ever, purely precautionary mammogram. When she mentions this in passing to several other moms while they are collecting their children from school, one cheerfully informs her, "Remember Debra from playgroup? She went in for her precautionary mammogram and found out she was Stage 3. Have a great weekend!"
5) At a summer block party, the new neighbor saunters up to a fab family of four and blurts out: "Wow! Your kids don't look a thing like you." Both are, as it happens, adopted.


Answers: 1) Yes. 2) Yes. 3) Yes. 4) God, yes. 5) Yes.
If you answered all correctly: Congratulations, Grace!


What a Grace might say, should she be on the receiving end of the above conversational bludgeons:
1) "Nope. Just a fab facial. I must be glowing."
2) "Well, I certainly wish them well as they launch the business. Aren't these crabcakes delicious?"
3) "How terrible for Debra. Maybe we should all pitch in, see if she needs babysitting help or some freezer dinners."
4) Smile mysteriously and say: "I never tell."
5) "Lucky for them, they look like themselves. They could have gotten my ears!"


Graces were taught at a young age that if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing. (Yes, I've professed before to love the version attributed to Alice Roosevelt Longworth, too: "If you have nothing nice to say about anyone, come and sit by me," but that policy only applies to a select handful of discreet inner sanctum Graces.) When in doubt, adhere to another oldie but goodie from Will Rogers: "Never miss a good chance to shut up."

And speaking of what not to say, I got a serious kick out of the following song, a riotous parody of Green Day's Time of Your Life

Help!

Dear Grace,
My brother-in-law is a complete chauvinist. He believes and behaves as though the female members of the family are his servants. Dishes, child care, cooking, and all household tasks are deemed 'women's work' and he sits on his throne of a recliner while we toil away. I am very close to my sis and we spend a lot of time together. This really gets my goat. With the holidays coming up, I foresee trouble.


What's a Grace to do?

Grace says:

Oh, dear. In this day and age, the idea of 'women's work' is a term best left unuttered, even if the medieval mind of your brother outlaw thinks this way.

Truth be told, this is probably not your war to wage. That is really up to his wife, your poor, scouring sister. We never know what goes on inside of other people's relationships, and your sis may well have made peace with this situation even if you haven't. And remember, she has played a role in creating this monster. At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil, "What you accept, you teach." But I am not here to give marital counsel, rather to help you identify a Gracious way to blast the lazy bum out of 1955 (and his recliner). To keep your sanity in check and your blood pressure in a safe range, I suggest the following strategies:

1. Preempt the problem. As dinner is ending announce, "Sis, you cooked the dinner, so you are excused from cleanup. B-i-l and I will do the kitchen, won't we, B-i-l?"

2. Lead by example: "Sis, B-i-l, you two could both use a break. Why don't I watch Junior for an hour or so and you go get a coffee or take a walk?"

3. Ask directly: "B-i-l, Sis and I are cooking dinner. We're elbow deep in mashed avocados at the moment and we seem to have run out of cilantro for the guacamole. Would you be a dear and go pick some up at the grocery store?" or "B-i-l, we are cooking the dinner and Junior is bored out of his mind strapped in the high chair. That's why he is screaming bloody murder. Would you take him outside so he can play while we finish up the meatballs?"

I had a similar scenario several years ago among the males in my extended family. Some were very helpful but a couple were of your B-i-l's ilk. Finally, one of the guys, who was drying his 25th dish, got exasperated as one of the loafers skulked past the kitchen in search of another beer. He shouted, "Hey, Fred! This here's the kitchen. A lot of cooking and cleaning goes on in here. But you wouldn't have any experience with that, would you?" The lazy brother-in-law took the rather unsubtle hint, and he has become generally more helpful over the years. Guys can get away with that type of heckling, you see, so if you can find a willing male relative to shame B-i-l into picking up a sponge or child from time to time, then your story may have a happy ending.

None of these is fail-safe, but they are all worth a shot. Good luck.

I found the following spoof on the mid century housewife rather amusing....I certainly hope your sister's situation isn't this extreme.

My New Friend the Stalker

Dear Grace,
A relatively new acquaintance has been circling around me in an apparent attempt to become my BFF. We have some natural social overlap--she recently became a member of the studio where I do Yoga, we both serve on a neighborhood committee, and our kids are on the same soccer team. I'm all for carpooling, maybe even grabbing an occasional coffee after yoga, but she has taken these minor social interactions to mean that we are practically joined at the hip. She now insists on checking in with me before each Yoga class, makes unnecessary offers to take my kids to and from soccer, and if she can't get me via cell phone she calls my house, then emails and texts. She is now making summer plans and has asked about our swim club. I don't want to be mean, but I'm starting to run away from her as it is. I don't want to have to dodge her all summer--or fret about it for the next 6 months. Help!

--Stalked

Dear Stalked,
Well, it's nice to be in demand, but smothering is another thing entirely. Your stalker sounds like she is a bit insecure and needy. Perhaps even lonely. She has misjudged your good manners and accidental togetherness as an offer to be her bosom pal and that is simply off base.

Graces are never unkind--and really, your new acolyte hasn't done anything worse than crowd you. You want to choose a strategy that is maximally effective and minimally hurtful. In other words, evade her. If possible, switch up your yoga schedule a bit so she isn't always there with you, or arrive in class just before it starts and bolt when it ends. Wave, but don't engage. Gesture at your watch indicating that you have to dash. Rearrange the soccer logistics so you don't meet there every time--have your spouse, sitter, or another parent take your budding Beckham a few times to break up the pattern. With luck, Cloying Chloe will latch onto someone else who turns up at Yoga and soccer a few times in a row and take you off the hot seat.

As far as the swim club situation, clam up. Change the subject, remember an urgent errand, or fake a seizure. If that doesn't work and you are pressed, be vague. "We're not sure what our plans are yet." If pressed harder, say "Yes, we have been members of the Porpoise Club for awhile. One thing we love about it is that it allows us to kind of 'check out'. We really tend to separate from the usual crowd during the summer and don't hang much with the people we see all year."

Your question made me think of the U2 song "I Will Follow." I was shocked to see that it dates all the way back to 1981. You won't believe how Bono looked (or danced!) back then.

Appropriate Attire Requested

Dear Grace,
We have invited my cousin's family for Thanksgiving. In years past, when she has visited, she has brought sweatshirts, jeans, and nothing remotely dressy. I am a celebratory soul; I dress up for holidays and festivities. Invariably, when I descend in my finery, she reacts in such a way that I feel almost guilty for sprucing up. In addition to our Thanksgiving dinner, we will attend at least one slightly formal event, to which cousin and husband are invited. We had this same situation once before and had to cancel at the last minute because they did not bring appropriate attire. (There is no possibility of her borrowing something of mine; we are completely different sizes.) Should I suggest that she bring a dressy outfit this year or is that rude?

Grace Says:

First of all, kudos to you for hosting. Secondly, I am sorry that Raggedy Ann cramps your style. As far as addressing this awkward situation, here's your strategy:

Well in advance of the visit (like today), send Cuz an email detailing the goings on for Thanksgiving weekend. Give her some guidance on the events, and offer her the chance to join in the festivities or not. Here's a prototype:

"Ellen, We are so looking forward to you and your family's visit over TG. Here's an overview of the weekend: Wednesday evening is very casual-- pizza at home. Thursday morning is the homecoming football game--be sure to bundle up! After the game, we'll head home for Turkey Day; it will be us, you and yours, my parents, and Uncle Joe. Since it's a holiday, I'll probably wear a skirt, but whatever you like is fine. Friday we have been invited to the xyz event. It's sort of dressy--I will wear my LBD and pumps, Evan will be in a coat and tie. We have tickets for you and Pete to attend and hope you will; it's really fun. If you prefer to give it a miss, that's fine, too. There'll be plenty of leftovers in the fridge, we have a good selection of dvd's and we shouldn't be out too late. [This statement makes it clear that you will go regardless, and gives her the out if she is uncomfortable joining you]. As far as everything else, casual lounge-y clothes are fine."


There are countless reasons why your cousin does not pack dressy clothes--limited wardrobe, weight/appearance issues, shyness, cluelessness, disorganization or laziness--but the why doesn't really matter. As a Gracious Hostess, you are charged with making your guests feel comfortable and, as much as you possibly can, making sure the weekend is enjoyable. Just because she looks like she is on her way to clean out your garage does not mean that your holiday is on the line.

Giving Cuz the information ahead of time is the best you can do, but this is not foolproof and she may still show up unprepared. It sounds like your cousin may some demons, and you are not going to exercise them by pointing out her wardrobe errata. Be patient, be kind, be understanding. Be glad you don't have said demons.


And remember, even celebs with staffs of stylists occasionally misstep on fashion choices.....

Make and Take

I have riffed before on hostess gifts. There are countless store bought items that are perfect choices for Gracious Guests, but today I offer you a homemade how-to on chili vinegar. This is a unique, inexpensive, and impressive gourmet item that will delight any cook with an adventurous palate.

Why, you may well ask, is The Grace making chili vinegar on camera? I was recently asked to create a food blog for a local non-profit, so Philly Food Lovers was born. We are experimenting with video demonstrations, and you, my dear Graces, are a captive audience. have a look...




A handcrafted comestible is a welcome offering, and really adds a personal touch. If you make a mean pesto, honey mustard dressing, or peanut butter cookie, by all means make and take. Pack nicely in an attractive jar, container or cello bag and tie it up with a pretty ribbon. Be sure to inform the hosts on refrigeration requirements, shelf life, and serving/usage instructions. Contamination is not an ingredient in a Gracious hostess gift. Nor is anything containing gelatin, Lipton soup powder, canned fruit or mini marshmallows.

But you Graces already knew that, didn't you?

Help-less Houseguests

Dear Grace:
Last Christmas we had a house full of my spouse's family. Unfortunately, the in-laws did very little to help out during this hectic time. I want an easier holiday this year but they're all coming back. (Don't ask). How do I diplomatically suggest to my in-laws that they should take us out to dinner one night or help us clean up?

Grace says:

I find it astonishing and alarming that house guests do not automatically offer at least one night off for the hosts whether it be taking everyone out to dinner, treating for takeout, or even cooking a meal or two themselves. But if it were automatic, then I might be out of a job. So....

Here are several suggestions, starting with the gentle hint and moving to sledge hammer:

1. After dinner is eaten, don't move. Remain at the table and see if anyone lifts a finger to clear the dishes. We'll cross our fingers that the hint is received, but based on your letter I foresee at least the need to move on to step 2...

2. Ask nicely. Say, "Sue, Bob, would you mind helping out with the dishes? I need to bathe the kids/order some last minute gifts/finish my holiday cards/chew on some nails so I don't drive them into your skull. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and it would really lighten my load. Thanks." Then leave the room and do exactly what you said you had to.

3. Don't cook one night--make reservations or order pizza. Let your guests know these plans and, without overtly asking, provide ample opportunity for them to pony up. Don't immediately reach for the check when it arrives. See if they want to ride with you to pick up the take-out, or have them answer the door when the delivery arrives. Passive aggressive, yea. But effective, quite possibly.

4. Bring in reinforcements. Invite a friend for dinner who is willing to loudly and assertively state that the cook should not have to clean up. Embellishments involving your status as galley slave and good guesting practices optional.

If the maid thing is in your repertoire, waiting on your in-laws hand and foot may not be exactly what you had in mind. Here's another example of the maid thing gone awry which made me chuckle.