Appropriate Attire Requested

Dear Grace,
We have invited my cousin's family for Thanksgiving. In years past, when she has visited, she has brought sweatshirts, jeans, and nothing remotely dressy. I am a celebratory soul; I dress up for holidays and festivities. Invariably, when I descend in my finery, she reacts in such a way that I feel almost guilty for sprucing up. In addition to our Thanksgiving dinner, we will attend at least one slightly formal event, to which cousin and husband are invited. We had this same situation once before and had to cancel at the last minute because they did not bring appropriate attire. (There is no possibility of her borrowing something of mine; we are completely different sizes.) Should I suggest that she bring a dressy outfit this year or is that rude?

Grace Says:

First of all, kudos to you for hosting. Secondly, I am sorry that Raggedy Ann cramps your style. As far as addressing this awkward situation, here's your strategy:

Well in advance of the visit (like today), send Cuz an email detailing the goings on for Thanksgiving weekend. Give her some guidance on the events, and offer her the chance to join in the festivities or not. Here's a prototype:

"Ellen, We are so looking forward to you and your family's visit over TG. Here's an overview of the weekend: Wednesday evening is very casual-- pizza at home. Thursday morning is the homecoming football game--be sure to bundle up! After the game, we'll head home for Turkey Day; it will be us, you and yours, my parents, and Uncle Joe. Since it's a holiday, I'll probably wear a skirt, but whatever you like is fine. Friday we have been invited to the xyz event. It's sort of dressy--I will wear my LBD and pumps, Evan will be in a coat and tie. We have tickets for you and Pete to attend and hope you will; it's really fun. If you prefer to give it a miss, that's fine, too. There'll be plenty of leftovers in the fridge, we have a good selection of dvd's and we shouldn't be out too late. [This statement makes it clear that you will go regardless, and gives her the out if she is uncomfortable joining you]. As far as everything else, casual lounge-y clothes are fine."


There are countless reasons why your cousin does not pack dressy clothes--limited wardrobe, weight/appearance issues, shyness, cluelessness, disorganization or laziness--but the why doesn't really matter. As a Gracious Hostess, you are charged with making your guests feel comfortable and, as much as you possibly can, making sure the weekend is enjoyable. Just because she looks like she is on her way to clean out your garage does not mean that your holiday is on the line.

Giving Cuz the information ahead of time is the best you can do, but this is not foolproof and she may still show up unprepared. It sounds like your cousin may some demons, and you are not going to exercise them by pointing out her wardrobe errata. Be patient, be kind, be understanding. Be glad you don't have said demons.


And remember, even celebs with staffs of stylists occasionally misstep on fashion choices.....

Make and Take

I have riffed before on hostess gifts. There are countless store bought items that are perfect choices for Gracious Guests, but today I offer you a homemade how-to on chili vinegar. This is a unique, inexpensive, and impressive gourmet item that will delight any cook with an adventurous palate.

Why, you may well ask, is The Grace making chili vinegar on camera? I was recently asked to create a food blog for a local non-profit, so Philly Food Lovers was born. We are experimenting with video demonstrations, and you, my dear Graces, are a captive audience. have a look...




A handcrafted comestible is a welcome offering, and really adds a personal touch. If you make a mean pesto, honey mustard dressing, or peanut butter cookie, by all means make and take. Pack nicely in an attractive jar, container or cello bag and tie it up with a pretty ribbon. Be sure to inform the hosts on refrigeration requirements, shelf life, and serving/usage instructions. Contamination is not an ingredient in a Gracious hostess gift. Nor is anything containing gelatin, Lipton soup powder, canned fruit or mini marshmallows.

But you Graces already knew that, didn't you?

Help-less Houseguests

Dear Grace:
Last Christmas we had a house full of my spouse's family. Unfortunately, the in-laws did very little to help out during this hectic time. I want an easier holiday this year but they're all coming back. (Don't ask). How do I diplomatically suggest to my in-laws that they should take us out to dinner one night or help us clean up?

Grace says:

I find it astonishing and alarming that house guests do not automatically offer at least one night off for the hosts whether it be taking everyone out to dinner, treating for takeout, or even cooking a meal or two themselves. But if it were automatic, then I might be out of a job. So....

Here are several suggestions, starting with the gentle hint and moving to sledge hammer:

1. After dinner is eaten, don't move. Remain at the table and see if anyone lifts a finger to clear the dishes. We'll cross our fingers that the hint is received, but based on your letter I foresee at least the need to move on to step 2...

2. Ask nicely. Say, "Sue, Bob, would you mind helping out with the dishes? I need to bathe the kids/order some last minute gifts/finish my holiday cards/chew on some nails so I don't drive them into your skull. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and it would really lighten my load. Thanks." Then leave the room and do exactly what you said you had to.

3. Don't cook one night--make reservations or order pizza. Let your guests know these plans and, without overtly asking, provide ample opportunity for them to pony up. Don't immediately reach for the check when it arrives. See if they want to ride with you to pick up the take-out, or have them answer the door when the delivery arrives. Passive aggressive, yea. But effective, quite possibly.

4. Bring in reinforcements. Invite a friend for dinner who is willing to loudly and assertively state that the cook should not have to clean up. Embellishments involving your status as galley slave and good guesting practices optional.

If the maid thing is in your repertoire, waiting on your in-laws hand and foot may not be exactly what you had in mind. Here's another example of the maid thing gone awry which made me chuckle.

Thanks: Three Out of Four

As a Grace, I am a pretty big proponent of the traditional thank you note. But these little gems of correspondence are becoming scare, what with the level of social formality decreasing, and the digital age in full swing. But in the past few days I have witnessed some examples of different types of thank yous--and I have to admit, most demonstrated their own special brand of Grace.

1. I had the good fortune to attend a cocktail party on Friday evening at the home of a friend. In lieu of the traditional host gift (wine, candles, coffee--all great, by the way) I opted for something different. Under the guise of "he's giving me dinner tonight so I'll feed him tomorrow" I made him a batch of macaroni and cheese. He emailed me over the weekend--the heading contained one word: "Yum!" and the following picture was attached. Now the truth is, he wasn't even obliged to say thanks beyond the verbal utterance when I bestowed the tray upon him Friday evening, so this was Grantly plus, and the mode certainly had panache. Well Done, Grant R.

2. Last week, I sent a couple of books as a first birthday gift for a friend's daughter. I received a prompt thank you note in the form of a very cute, striped, fold-over card. When I opened the card, there were pen scribbles all over the inside--along with a "translation" written at the bottom thanking me for the awesome books. This totally worked for me--ok, ok, it wouldn't be ideal for your boss who sent the savings bond or Tiffany spoon after your child's Christening/Bris--but for a friend or relative it was sweetly informal and very cute. Also suited the personalities of both the baby and the mom. Kudos to Grace B and Mini-Grace S.

3. A neighbor was recently notified that her driver's license had been found at the grocery store. The good samaritan was still shopping, and said she'd be there for another half hour or so. So grateful was my friend that she did not fall victim to identity theft, or worse, have to visit the DMV, she grabbed a box of chocolates from her gift stash and raced to the market. When she met her savior, she expressed profound thanks and presented her with a small box of Ghirardellis. Needless to say, the woman was astounded. This reminded me of a Major Grace Tip: Keep a stash of all purpose gifties for times like these--scented candles, bars of hand milled soap, jars of jam or salsa, chocolates, novelty note pads, modest gift cards for ITunes or Starbucks, bottles of wine. This way, you'll never be caught off guard with a forgotten birthday, and you'll have something on hand in the event that someone does you a good turn and you want to reciprocate with a little something extra. Nicely done, Grace M.

4. Doubtless you noticed the title of this post as "Three Out of Four". So here we are. I am indebted to one of my loyal readers, Grant J for bringing this last one to my attention. Apparently there is a service for hire that will produce hand written thank you notes. I am reluctant to provide the link, because that seems to promote this practice, but I am confident that no True Grace would ever patronize them for personal correspondence. I grant Thankthanknotes.com this: they recognize the value and need for handwritten thank yous. I also grant that when building a business, the personal touch of a hand written note to new clients may get you a second order. And you are so busy designing scarves, formulating marketing plans, building websites, staining furniture, or icing cupcakes that you don't have the three minutes it takes to write said note. So, The Grace gives a pass on one very narrow sliver of acceptability in using this type of service. If employed strictly as a business development tool in the absence of time and staff to write the notes in house then it's ok. Not Gracious, but not dreadful, and Graces must entertain pragmatism at some point. But the minute you outsource the thank you to Aunt Tillie for her birthday gift or the condolence note for your neighbor's mother, you are officially on the Grunt List.


So, the moral of the story is, say thank you. There are lots of ways to do it, and as long as it's prompt, sincere, and thoughtful, you'll stay in the Good Graces.

Forbidden First Date Foods

I was recently asked about foods to avoid on first dates. Now, it's been awhile since I embarked on a first date, but some things never change. First dates can be nerve wracking enough without worrying about the food on your plate (in your teeth, down your chin, over your shirt and the lingering fumes they may expel hours later.) Much better to focus on your charming conversation and witty repartee--or if things are not going as you'd hoped, a quick and clean exit strategy to cut your losses.

With that in mind, here are Grace's Guidelines on Foods to Avoid....There are three basic classifications of food that present problems on dates. They are:

1. Foods likely to stay where they shouldn't, i.e on your teeth. This class includes things like spinach, mint/parsley/cilantro, seaweed, poppy seeds, sesame seeds, and even coarse black pepper. If the date is going well, you will doubtless be smiling frequently. The last thing you want in such situations is an unsightly patch of green adorning your incisor. That's why Graces always carry a small mirror and some dental floss in our handbags. To be used in the privacy of the ladies' room.

2. Foods with ill after effects. Garlic, onion, and whiffy cheese are delicious, but save them for your pals or a later date. You really don't want to emit toxic fumes as you move in for the first kiss. But sometimes it's unavoidable; if you are dining at a trattoria, garlic is going to be part of your dish. That's why Graces always carry mints in our handbags.

3. Foods that are impossible to eat without a struggle, a mess, and/or a two handed grip. Unless you are at a lobster or crab shack, try ordering something that does involve wrestling. That said, be a sport. If you are at a barbecue pit, you are going to have to tuck into the ribs. Ordering a small side of cole slaw will guarantee that the first date is the last. That's why Graces always have a packet of scented wipes in our handbags.

Sure, Drew Barrymore and Justin Long can pull off a fab first date, even with errant wing sauce. But they are the exception to the rule. And fictional, I might add.


Keeping these three simple guidelines in mind as you scan the menu will ensure that your focus remains where it ought: on your companion and the crucial assessment as to whether or not s/he will be lucky enough to snag a second date with you.

Karma is a Bitch

So after yesterday's snarky post featuring my sister's harsh critique of my favorite raincoat I have the following rather eerie experience to report:

I began my day with a Yoga class, after which I raced home and buzzed upstairs for a shower, on the run to interview a chef for Philly Food Lovers. The day was fine, so I chose a stylish denim skirt, a pink, cotton, 3/4 sleeve tee, and my favorite red Prada Mary Janes. Both the skirt and the MJs were castoffs from my fashionista Sis (see yesterday's post). As I hurried to cram my still damp feet into the shoes, I snagged the strap and snapped it in half. Cursing loudly, I selected alternative (and far less fashionable) footwear and proceeded with my day. I met the chef, did the interview, went out to lunch, then completed a variety of errands, including Staples, Home Depot, the supermarket and school pickup. It was only after I returned home from all these locales that I discovered that the fly on my hand-me-down denim skirt was unzipped.

Does that seem wierd to you?

With Relatives Like This, Who Needs Enemies?

Two True Stories:

Had lots of relatives visiting this weekend, which included my fashionista sister. They had come, very generously, to support fundraising events at both of my kids' schools. The first was a 5K run at my son's school, after which we headed out to lunch, then to the fall festival at my daughter's school. Sis was in distress; she was forced to go directly from the run to the restaurant without a wardrobe change so her outfit was more fitness than fashion (though her in fitness gear is more fashionable than most people in Sunday Best). She asked me for a coat or something to cover up the ensemble. I scrounged through my closet, frantically searching for something suitably stylish. I found it: my ultra suede lavender knee-length trench--definitely a statement, a compliment magnet when I sport it, and probably the most expensive thing in my closet. I proudly handed it over and she recoiled, asking, "You wear that? Out?"


Later that day, pre-teen daughter came downstairs carrying an item of clothing. Apparently, a pair of my undies had erroneously been filed in her pile. She held them up and said, "Seriously, Mom, does my butt look this big?"





What's a Grace to do?

Laugh it off. And, of course, turn it into good material, be it for your blog, your stand-up routine, your cocktail party repartee, or a life lesson on 'what not to say'.

As far as the fashion remark, Sis can diss my wardrobe any day if she continues to hand-me-down her castoffs; last year's Prada (or Old Navy) selected by her keen eye is readily accepted here. As far as my preteen's snark, I'll fasten the old seatbelt. Those in the know tell me that this gets worse before it gets better. I may consider investing in body armor--I'll ask Sis--I think metallics are still in.

Email Oops

Dear Grace:

I received a strange e-mail from the husband of an acquaintance of mine. The contents of the message made it clear that it was not meant for my eyes--but that it had not been intended for his wife either. It referred to an X-rated encounter with his girlfriend! I didn't know the wife acquaintance well enough to pick up the phone and call and didn't want to meddle, so I just deleted the e-mail (after printing it out, just for laughs). A while later my acquaintance found out about the affair and sued her husband for divorce. I then mentioned the e-mail to her. Did I do the right thing in keeping quiet?

Grace Says:

Wow! That's a miscue on the "send" button if I’ve ever heard one. You were absolutely correct to keep mum on this salacious material. If the wife were a very close friend or sister, I would recommend telling her in a private, supportive way. I wouldn't recommend doing the same with a casual acquaintance. You never know who might be the type to kill the messenger, and you never know the intricacies of other people's marriages.

As far as the cyber-seducer, you had two perfectly acceptable options, one of which you wisely chose:

1. Let It Be. (Apologies to The Beatles for invoking their ballad thus.)
2. Send it back with a simple straightforward message: "Fred, this came to
me, obviously in error. Rest assured that it will go no further, but I
wanted to let you know that it went awry." (I would have been sorely tempted to go this route!)

Keep up the good work, Grace. And empathize with the wife. It really is mind boggling the level of indiscretion out there.