Dear Grace,
My son's day care worker is a terrific young man who has been exceptionally kind to us. He has gone the extra mile to take very good care of my son, provides me with frequent updates, makes sure favorite toys are available, and supports our potty training efforts. I would like to do a little something for him to express our gratitude. My normal course would be to bake him some cookies or buy him lunch. In this case, I hesitate because the guy is very overweight. What do you suggest as an alternative?
Grace Says:
First off, kudos to you for wanting to recognize another's Graciousness. You are setting a great example for your son and in a more Machiavellian vein, ensuring that the excellent care will continue.
I understand your desire to avoid food in this case--though it is not your responsibility to police this chap's caloric intake. Fortunately, there are several Gracious alternatives:
1. A pair of gloves or mittens as winter approaches
2. A few pocket sized containers of hand sanitizer--working with small children all day means lots of germs! For a guy, go with unscented or something like cucumber. Avoid florals.
3. A homemade CD--even though everyone uses Ipods these days, a CD helps build the recipient's music library, and this can be a really personal gift--make sure your son picks some of the songs and helps decorate the CD cover.
4. A gift card to a coffee shop, book shop, or Itunes.
5. A pair of novelty socks.
6. Write the gentleman a note expressing your gratitude and recognizing his efforts. Be sure to list all of the ways that he has helped your son and your family. Often, a heartfelt and sincere note can mean far more than a material item.
If you have found a facility that serves you and your child well, hold fast. The alternatives may not be great....
Friday, October 08, 2010
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Roy-alty in Philadelphia
There are few things less Gracious than a sore loser. Baseball fans saw a glaring example of this last night when Cincinnati Reds' Orlando Cabrerra complained about the umpiring in Roy Halliday's nearly perfect game.
Sorry, Reds. When you are up against a super hero, you are unlikely to prevail.
But you do yourselves no good whining about it.
Sorry, Reds. When you are up against a super hero, you are unlikely to prevail.
But you do yourselves no good whining about it.
Friends In Need
Dear Grace,
I have been out of touch with an old friend for some time. No drama, just lives got busy and we have not seen each other in several months. I recently heard that he and his wife have gone through a rough time (not their relationship but other sad events) and I would like to reach out to them. I don't want it to appear that I learned this through third hand gossip (although I kind of did--it wasn't malicious, just "have you heard...."). How do I approach them without making this worse?
Grace Says:
It is always Gracious to reach out to Friends In Need. If your heart is in the right place, which it obviously is, you won't likely make it worse. Common sense will prevail, of course. Don't invite someone who recently lost a loved one to Cancer for a viewing of Terms of Endearment; don't shove baby pics under the nose of a couple struggling with fertility, don't discuss your fabulous new promotion with someone who has just been laid off--but no Grace would ever do such things.
Choose which of the following suits you and your relationship..whether via email, FB, phone, snail mail or smoke signal and say....
"Bob, I happened to speak to Bill the other day and your name came up. He mentioned that you and Sue had been through a rough time and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well. If there is anything at all I can do--visit, drop off a meal, take Sue out for coffee, meet you for a drink--really anything, please let me know."
Depending on how "Bob" responds to this overture, further Graciousness may kick in.
Plan to be there for your friend, whatever that may mean. Some people crave company and need to be surrounded by loved ones throughout their ordeals. Others find solitude more restful. If your unsure, ask. I just read an article on Cancer survivors, and all of the subjects reported that what they craved most from their friends and family was to be treated normally--not to dwell on their chemo, their cell counts, and their symptoms. They wanted to chat about their hairdresser's latest romantic disaster, the book you're currently reading, a neighbor's unfortunate liposuction operation, politics and current events, Lindsey Lohan's latest indiscretion, or the new fall shades of lipstick.
I have been out of touch with an old friend for some time. No drama, just lives got busy and we have not seen each other in several months. I recently heard that he and his wife have gone through a rough time (not their relationship but other sad events) and I would like to reach out to them. I don't want it to appear that I learned this through third hand gossip (although I kind of did--it wasn't malicious, just "have you heard...."). How do I approach them without making this worse?
Grace Says:
It is always Gracious to reach out to Friends In Need. If your heart is in the right place, which it obviously is, you won't likely make it worse. Common sense will prevail, of course. Don't invite someone who recently lost a loved one to Cancer for a viewing of Terms of Endearment; don't shove baby pics under the nose of a couple struggling with fertility, don't discuss your fabulous new promotion with someone who has just been laid off--but no Grace would ever do such things.
Choose which of the following suits you and your relationship..whether via email, FB, phone, snail mail or smoke signal and say....
"Bob, I happened to speak to Bill the other day and your name came up. He mentioned that you and Sue had been through a rough time and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well. If there is anything at all I can do--visit, drop off a meal, take Sue out for coffee, meet you for a drink--really anything, please let me know."
Depending on how "Bob" responds to this overture, further Graciousness may kick in.
Plan to be there for your friend, whatever that may mean. Some people crave company and need to be surrounded by loved ones throughout their ordeals. Others find solitude more restful. If your unsure, ask. I just read an article on Cancer survivors, and all of the subjects reported that what they craved most from their friends and family was to be treated normally--not to dwell on their chemo, their cell counts, and their symptoms. They wanted to chat about their hairdresser's latest romantic disaster, the book you're currently reading, a neighbor's unfortunate liposuction operation, politics and current events, Lindsey Lohan's latest indiscretion, or the new fall shades of lipstick.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Cut!
Dear Grace,
I was at a party recently and the hostess served fruit with cheese before dessert. The trouble was she served the whole fruit and did not provide knives. I felt uncomfortable biting in, so I passed, but I really would have enjoyed an apple with the cheese course. Other guests were seemingly not bothered; many bit right in. Your thoughts?
Grace Says:
Tucking into a whole fruit at a picnic, out of a lunchbox in a school/work cafeteria, or in the orchard while picking? Well, that's just fine. At a sit down dinner that is formal enough to warrant a cheese course, never. The idea of diners biting into whole apples like suckling pigs is enough to, well, smear my lipstick, which is exactly what happens when you attack fruit in this fashion.
Aside from the aforementioned exceptions to the rule, fruit should either be cut before serving, or offered whole with appropriate utensils. It would have been perfectly acceptable for you to request a knife in the above scenario.
Remember that hilarious Seinfeld episode when everyone was eating candy bars with cutlery? Loved that show!
I was at a party recently and the hostess served fruit with cheese before dessert. The trouble was she served the whole fruit and did not provide knives. I felt uncomfortable biting in, so I passed, but I really would have enjoyed an apple with the cheese course. Other guests were seemingly not bothered; many bit right in. Your thoughts?
Grace Says:
Tucking into a whole fruit at a picnic, out of a lunchbox in a school/work cafeteria, or in the orchard while picking? Well, that's just fine. At a sit down dinner that is formal enough to warrant a cheese course, never. The idea of diners biting into whole apples like suckling pigs is enough to, well, smear my lipstick, which is exactly what happens when you attack fruit in this fashion.
Aside from the aforementioned exceptions to the rule, fruit should either be cut before serving, or offered whole with appropriate utensils. It would have been perfectly acceptable for you to request a knife in the above scenario.
Remember that hilarious Seinfeld episode when everyone was eating candy bars with cutlery? Loved that show!
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
The Grunts of Facebook
Depending on who you ask, Facebook has somewhere between 100,000,000 and 400,000,000 users. That's an awful lot of people and a true cross section of the world. This means a wide variety of usage styles and a panoply of posts. Graces use Facebook to keep in touch with people, to share interesting, witty, and relevant information and to promote business and other professional ventures. Grunts use it to broadcast inanity, obscenity, and overly personal information.
Here are Grace's Seven Deadly Sins of Facebook:
1. Boring. No Grace would ever bore her friends. Why then, do people feel entitled to spout on about their household chores? I'm not the least bit interested in my own laundry; why would I want to read about yours? Ditto what you had for breakfast, where your dog peed, and whether you are feeling energetic or lethargic at a given moment.
2. Boozing. Unlike cheese, pasta, and good company, Facebook and wine do not mix, at least not in excess. Beware of indiscreet posts; they are admissible in a court of law, not to mention the water cooler corner at work tomorrow. Do you really want your boss knowing who spent the night with you and what s/he wore?
3. Boasting. You know who you are. There is a fine line between sharing good news ("I'm so proud of my daughter, she worked really hard this semester and made the honor roll" "Leaving for vacation tomorrow-can't wait to see Paris--have been looking forward to this trip for years!") and bragging ("My son is the smartest kid in his class and doesn't even have to study. He's a chip off the old block." "Jetting off to Paris again. It will be a refreshing change from Prague, where I've been for the last month. Look for me at Chanel!").
4. Oversharing. Keep your medical information to yourself. Aside from you, your significant other and your doctor, no one needs to know the results of your Herpes test. Ditto the details of your colon surgery or your brow lift gone awry.
5. Misleading. Of course we want to put our best feet forward, but that pic from 10 years and 15 lbs ago.....come on.
6. Posting Inappropriate Content. This includes obscene, racially/ethnically charged material, the personal info of others, or just mean-spirited gossip.
7. Philandering. Ok, so there's nothing wrong with a little bit of harmless cyber-coquetry, right? Trouble is, it's a slippery slope. Marriage counselors report that Facebook was a factor in 20% of the divorce petitions filed in 2009. I'm not here to dispense marital advice, but clearly the ease of interacting on Facebook makes infidelity, at least in the emotional sense, a little too convenient seeing as shaved legs, lipstick, the buying of drinks and opening of doors are not required. If you find yourself spending more time in facebook flirtation than with your significant other, please take a long hard look at both. Signing off now to go say hello to my hubby.
If you have the misfortune to have "Friended" a FB Grunt, I highly recommend a break-up. Thank you, e-how.com
I also liked the following, a rather amusing and sardonic assessment of Facebook comments and their translations. Thank you, trueslant.com.
And finally, a BBC parody....very funny, but for those of you who eschew vulgarity, a trifle offensive. Enjoy or ignore...
Evading Attention From a Married Man
Dear Grace,
What is the appropriate response to an acquaintance's husband being overly attentive? He hasn't made a pass per se, but I have the feeling that one is coming. Help!
Grace Says:
I lived through a similar scenario a few years back when an architect who was doing some work at a friend’s house started giving me some very focused attention. Naturally, he was more this:
Than this:
But that's beside the point. As it happened, I knew the guy’s wife and kids and had met him a few times; as it also happened, he didn’t realize that (since guys like him rarely pay attention to the lives of others). I nipped the inappropriate interaction in the bud by asking the lecherous troll how Ann, Johnny and Susie were doing. He looked aghast, and was staggered when I reported that I knew them since my kids went to the same school. Needless to say, he sputtered, gurgled, and couldn’t exit stage left quickly enough. This strategy certainly works, and you can customize it to your situation, essentially changing the subject to remind the lech that he is married and you are not in the market for his type.
Try whatever version of these fits your situation:
1. "Ann looks so lovely tonight; you sure are a lucky man"
2. "Congratulations on Johnny's winning goal in the soccer game. My husband is an assistant coach."
3. "Ah, there's my husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/bodyguard. I don't believe you two have met?"
And of course, you can try to avoid him, but instances will undoubtedly arise when exposure to this Don Giovanni is unavoidable; in such cases, use the buddy system. He will be far less likely to grope/ogle/proposition you with an audience. When DG lurks, make sure you have your significant other, a fellow Grace or a live human of some sort (the building custodian, the event caterer, the local axe murderer) nearby to buffer. If he does circumvent these measures and manages to make an overture, ignore it. Excuse yourself as quickly as possible to the bar, the buffet, the rest room, and go back to keeping your distance and employing the buddy system. If he actually makes a grab for you, be immediate and firm with a variation of "Not if pigs fly and the ocean turns to honey."
Pepper spray can be effective, too.
Kidding. Sort of.
What is the appropriate response to an acquaintance's husband being overly attentive? He hasn't made a pass per se, but I have the feeling that one is coming. Help!
Grace Says:
I lived through a similar scenario a few years back when an architect who was doing some work at a friend’s house started giving me some very focused attention. Naturally, he was more this:
Than this:
But that's beside the point. As it happened, I knew the guy’s wife and kids and had met him a few times; as it also happened, he didn’t realize that (since guys like him rarely pay attention to the lives of others). I nipped the inappropriate interaction in the bud by asking the lecherous troll how Ann, Johnny and Susie were doing. He looked aghast, and was staggered when I reported that I knew them since my kids went to the same school. Needless to say, he sputtered, gurgled, and couldn’t exit stage left quickly enough. This strategy certainly works, and you can customize it to your situation, essentially changing the subject to remind the lech that he is married and you are not in the market for his type.
Try whatever version of these fits your situation:
1. "Ann looks so lovely tonight; you sure are a lucky man"
2. "Congratulations on Johnny's winning goal in the soccer game. My husband is an assistant coach."
3. "Ah, there's my husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/bodyguard. I don't believe you two have met?"
And of course, you can try to avoid him, but instances will undoubtedly arise when exposure to this Don Giovanni is unavoidable; in such cases, use the buddy system. He will be far less likely to grope/ogle/proposition you with an audience. When DG lurks, make sure you have your significant other, a fellow Grace or a live human of some sort (the building custodian, the event caterer, the local axe murderer) nearby to buffer. If he does circumvent these measures and manages to make an overture, ignore it. Excuse yourself as quickly as possible to the bar, the buffet, the rest room, and go back to keeping your distance and employing the buddy system. If he actually makes a grab for you, be immediate and firm with a variation of "Not if pigs fly and the ocean turns to honey."
Pepper spray can be effective, too.
Kidding. Sort of.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Party Guests Scanning The Crowd
Dear Grace,
I hate it when I am at a party or social function and the person I am talking to is barely paying me any attention while he (or she) scans the crowd for someone "better". Any suggestions for handling this unpleasant situation?
Grace Says:
I feel your pain, my dear, for I suffered a similar fate recently. There I was at a lovely cocktail benefit at the home of dear friends. I noticed the host scanning the crowd frantically and beelined to offer assistance. He was searching for his wife as the guest of honor had arrived. Host was understandably reluctant to abandon the g-o-h, but wanted his wife to help welcome the esteemed gentleman. Grace to the rescue. I sent host and g-o-h to the bar and perused the assemblage for the hostess. Found her, and whizzed over. She was mid-convo with an older D.A.R. type, so I politely excused myself and informed her that her hostessing duties were needed STAT. She introduced me to Mme. D.A.R. and sped off. I prepared to slide into cordial chatter with the dowager, but was disconcerted by her immediate gaze over my shoulder, in search of more prominent or illustrious company. I had just about gotten out "nice to meet you" when she held up her glass, clinked mine, said "Good Luck to you", summarily dismissed me and was gone. Frankly, I was gobsmacked.
I guess I have to give the old trout credit; she certainly didn't subject me to those inattentive "mm-hmms" while she scanned the gathering for someone likely to advance her social position. Her exit was downright surgical, not to mention abrupt and just about rude. But I prefer her method to the disconcerting experience of being in a conversation with someone who is constantly looking past you for the companionship of another.
Kinda like Sean Penn here at
Elton John's Oscars Party....
But to answer your question....If you find yourself in the position of second fiddle or worse, simply excuse yourself. You don't deserve it, and the creep demeaning you thus doesn't deserve the privilege of your company. There are a number of effective escape hatches--nature calling, need to call home, or my personal favorite, the empty glass. I am a big proponent of keeping my beverage about 1/3 full at parties. This provides me with a handy evacuation route to refresh my drink. And, if the gathering is full of bores, boors, and boars, you won't run a terrible risk of overindulging even if you have to repeat the procedure several times over. Slugging down 1/3 of a drink in order to rescue yourself is something you can repeat a few times before becoming a risk to self and others.
And things could be worse....you could be trapped at a party with these guests:
I hate it when I am at a party or social function and the person I am talking to is barely paying me any attention while he (or she) scans the crowd for someone "better". Any suggestions for handling this unpleasant situation?
Grace Says:
I feel your pain, my dear, for I suffered a similar fate recently. There I was at a lovely cocktail benefit at the home of dear friends. I noticed the host scanning the crowd frantically and beelined to offer assistance. He was searching for his wife as the guest of honor had arrived. Host was understandably reluctant to abandon the g-o-h, but wanted his wife to help welcome the esteemed gentleman. Grace to the rescue. I sent host and g-o-h to the bar and perused the assemblage for the hostess. Found her, and whizzed over. She was mid-convo with an older D.A.R. type, so I politely excused myself and informed her that her hostessing duties were needed STAT. She introduced me to Mme. D.A.R. and sped off. I prepared to slide into cordial chatter with the dowager, but was disconcerted by her immediate gaze over my shoulder, in search of more prominent or illustrious company. I had just about gotten out "nice to meet you" when she held up her glass, clinked mine, said "Good Luck to you", summarily dismissed me and was gone. Frankly, I was gobsmacked.
I guess I have to give the old trout credit; she certainly didn't subject me to those inattentive "mm-hmms" while she scanned the gathering for someone likely to advance her social position. Her exit was downright surgical, not to mention abrupt and just about rude. But I prefer her method to the disconcerting experience of being in a conversation with someone who is constantly looking past you for the companionship of another.
Kinda like Sean Penn here at
Elton John's Oscars Party....
But to answer your question....If you find yourself in the position of second fiddle or worse, simply excuse yourself. You don't deserve it, and the creep demeaning you thus doesn't deserve the privilege of your company. There are a number of effective escape hatches--nature calling, need to call home, or my personal favorite, the empty glass. I am a big proponent of keeping my beverage about 1/3 full at parties. This provides me with a handy evacuation route to refresh my drink. And, if the gathering is full of bores, boors, and boars, you won't run a terrible risk of overindulging even if you have to repeat the procedure several times over. Slugging down 1/3 of a drink in order to rescue yourself is something you can repeat a few times before becoming a risk to self and others.
And things could be worse....you could be trapped at a party with these guests:
Friday, October 01, 2010
Don't Ask....
Dear Grace,
What is the correct response when asked "Have you put on weight?" I have a few ideas, but they would not receive a PG rating.
Grace Says:
What a hideous question. Unless asked by your physician behind closed doors, bound by medical confidentiality and truly related to your health, then it simply should not be asked. But Graces know that. If you are unfortunate enough to be in the presence of someone with conversational skills that permit such an invasive probe, then you have a few possible responses, listed in descending order of Graciousness:
1. Good heavens, I wouldn't dream of boring you with my vital statistics. How is your Pekingese/Pinot Noir/Peach pit collection?
2. I don't discuss medical information with anyone but my doctor.
3. Have you?
I would be tempted to force the offender to listen to the following song for hours on end, but that is definitely out of the bounds of Graciousness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)