The Social Grace

Four Great Rules

2012-01-31T15:25:00.008-05:00

I was at a corporate function last week and had the good fortune to meet a woman who adheres to 4 etiquette rules. When she heard that I write thesocialgrace.com, she was kind enough to share them with me, and I, in turn, will share them with you. Her rules were:

1. Never be rude to someone who can't afford to be rude back to you.

Now, I would probably stop at the 3rd word of this edict, but I realize the world is not perfect. There are indeed degrees of rudeness, and undoubtedly the most reprehensible type is that which cannot be reciprocated. Classic cases of this would be ill treatment of a waitress, a person who is in your debt or employ, or anyone who is in a position of weakness or disadvantage. Rudeness to your haughty neighbor who uses every opportunity to criticize your window boxes I can see. Rudeness to her landscaper, never.

2. Always accept a cookie when the tray is offered.

This is sociable, endearing, and unifying. It is rare indeed for people to be unpleasant when they are sharing sweets. Unless you are diabetic, or have some other compelling reason to decline, such as a severe food allergy, take one. Do not be that person who declines in a superior voice, saying, "Oh, dear, I never eat white flour or refined sugar. I'm watching my figure. But how liberating for you that you don't worry about that. Here, you go ahead and have mine, too."

3. Always write thank you notes.

'Nuff said.

4. Never refuse a breath mint.

This may be offered out of politeness--if I'm digging into the Altoids, I'd certainly offer them around, just as I would with the cookies mentioned in item #2. But it also may be a Gracious way to give you a gentle hint. I'm sure that Caesar salad was delicious for lunch, but its aftermath could be lethal.

So, thanks to my new Gracious Friend for her tips. What are your Rules to Live By?

You Don't Say!

2012-01-25T17:00:00.016-05:00

Do I really look this old, Graces?

Has anyone else been subject recently to comments that simply should not be uttered? I have.

First, and this one really smarts--A neighbor helped me out of a scheduling jam yesterday morning and took my son to school for me. She is a very youthful 30 year old, had her two-year old in tow, and is visibly pregnant. A newish teacher at the school asked me later that day if that was my daughter. Which, for those of you who are still doing the math, means that (1) this teacher thinks I am old enough to have a 30 year old daughter and (2) that I am a grandmother.
Ouch.

Second: I was in Zumba last week and a woman in front of me doubled over in apparent pain. It appeared that she had pulled something in her mid-section the way she was cradling her abdomen. Still smarting from my recently healed fractured foot, I have a lot of empathy for the injured . I took a step toward her and asked if she was ok. She responded, "Yes, I just have gas." Well, I was speechless. And behind her.

What's a Grace to do?

Absolutely nothing. (Though I confess to taking a few steps backward and staying there for the duration of the class.)

This would be one of the many examples of things better left unsaid. You could certainly make the case that I did ask--but Grace would have lied. Or been truthfully tactful: "I"m ok, just a slight cramp."

Have you been the recipient of comments like these? How did you handle them?

In searching for an appropriate video clip for today's post, I came across this one--while not totally on point, it gave me a chuckle....and having been mistaken for a Granny yesterday, I can use all the laughs I can get. Enjoy.

ReGifting Debacles

2012-01-14T14:46:00.004-05:00

In the aftermath of the holidays I have encountered several regifting horror tales. From a gifting point of view these rank right up there with the shower scene in Psycho.

The first instance was my very own. I received a lovely sweater for Christmas from "Aunt Evelyn". (Don't worry, that is not her real name and she doesn't read my blog). To my slight dismay, it was a size too big, but I was confident that I would be able to do an even exchange and be rockin' my new cardie pronto. Normally, I wouldn't have even mentioned the impending switch to the giver, but I was concerned that the return might be noted on "Evelyn's" credit card account and she--ever paranoid of online commerce--would fear she had been hacked.

When I broke the news to my aunt that I'd be making the change, she was oddly opposed. "Isn't it cotton, dear? It will probably shrink." I persisted, and reiterated that I was only telling her because I didn't want to flag her Visa. Then I called the retailer. They traced the purchase using Evelyn's name and zip code, and then the CSR read the following: "Happy Birthday Evelyn, with love from Janet." And there it was: The sweater was a REGIFT!

What's a Grace to do?

Absolutely nothing. For the same reason that I felt duty bound to let "Evelyn" know that I was making the exchange--the off chance that the credit/charge was somehow posted on Janet's account--I couldn't possibly proceed. This could have alerted "Janet" that the lovely cardigan that she bestowed up on Evelyn for her birthday had been regifted. So I did the next best thing: I gave the sweater to my mom, sharing the whole sordid tale with her. She was thrilled with this post-holiday surprise and got a good laugh out of it besides.

The next two tales come from a loyal reader. She writes:

Dear Grace,
I gave my father and step-mother a George Foreman grill for Christmas. They had admired ours on a previous visit and talked about how much they enjoy grilled food but how their living space does not allow for outdoor barbecuing. This seemed like a perfect gift. Alas, he called to "thank" us and said: "We're giving the grill to your step-brother Fred because we know he'll use it more than we would." I blame my wicked stepmother, but still....
And the second: I gave a Christmas ornament to my neighbor that was decorated with local emblems (the name of our city and its crest, some iconic landmarks--it sounds kitchy but it was tasteful). She wrote me a thank you and in it said, "I gave the ornament to my daughter. Now that she lives in Seattle, it will be good for her to have a remembrance of her hometown."

What gives?

Grace Says:

These are both instances of sharing too much. Both parties should have quit at "thank you." It is unlikely that you would have caught them in the regift had they not outed themselves, and their unnecessary outspokenness was potentially hurtful and assuredly thoughtless. Console yourself with the knowledge that you are indeed a Grace: giving a present that someone had admired and expressed a desire for is the utmost in skilled gifting, and giving a gift to a neighbor that connotes that which you share (i.e. your hometown) is both clever and meaningful. It's tough to be a Grace surrounded by Grunts.

The moral of the story Graces, is that when regifting, do so with the utmost care and keep your regifting to yourself. Aunt Evelyn didn't even violate any of my regift rules and she was busted--it's a delicate business to be sure. The others, well, they need to remember that ever so simple GraceRule: If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

Holiday Horror

2012-01-04T13:43:00.006-05:00

Dear Social Grace,
I was the victim of what I think was epic rudeness last week--should this situation arise again, I'd like your advice on how to handle it.

We hosted extended family over Christmas week, which included my widowed father-in-law for a 4 day stay. His other son came with a steady girlfriend for one night. I was in a bit of a quandary--we only have one fully equipped guest room with en suite bath, and I felt it best to give it to "Dad". I cleared this with my husband and his brother; they agreed. Bro said he and GF would bunk anywhere since it was just one night. Happily, I set up the guest room for Dad and planned to give the happy couple my daughters' room which contains two twin beds.

We had a lovely day on Christmas, and when it came time to retire for the night, I showed GF to her room. She recoiled in horror, "why are we in a twin room?" she asked. I calmly gave her the reasons outlined above, emphasized that her BF approved the plan and showed her the way to the bathroom and clean towels. She complained that Dad was only one person, so why should he get the queen bed with private bath, while they were two. She was quite determined that I change the setup. I just walked out. Soon thereafter, my daughter realized she had forgotten her pjs, and popped into the room to retrieve them. The "aunt" stood up, cursed loudly, and shouted "That's it. I'm leaving." When my daughter entered the room, the "aunt" was not sleeping, disrobed, or in any other state that would preclude an 8 year old girl from coming in, but this was clearly the last straw.

She grabbed her suitcase and walked out the front door, evidently planning to drive 150 miles home. My brother-in-law went tearing out after her. Thirty minutes later, the two returned, poured themselves generous measures of whiskey, rejoined the party and acted as if nothing had happened.

We all had an ill-advised extra nightcap and carried on with the evening. Your thoughts, Grace?

Grace Says:

Oh, dear. Hardly visions of sugarplums, that. I'd say you handled the situation with perfect Grace.

Yes to giving the elderly relative the most comfortable accommodations.
Yes to providing a heads up to brother-in-law about the sleeping arrangement.
Yes to showing this specimen to her room and courteously but firmly sticking to your guns.
Yes to your daughters generously vacating their room for the visitors.

You showed remarkable restraint in not saying something like:

"Well, if you can't sleep in separate beds for one night there are several hot sheets motels within driving distance, I think they charge by the hour. I can't promise their sheets will be clean but mine are."

"I do apologize that you are uncomfortable with this arrangement; my daughters are sleeping on the basement floor so that you and Bro might have beds; you are most welcome to trade with them if that is preferable."

"Are you hoping to elevate your status from GF to Fiancee? If so, I question your strategy."

But much better to have taken the high road. Let's hope that by next Christmas, Bro finds another companion under his tree.

Happy Holidays

2011-12-20T13:45:00.006-05:00

Ok, Graces, this holiday wish and sign off is coming a bit early this year, but I recognize my limitations. I'm thoroughly enjoying the hustle and bustle, and I know that I won't be posting from now thru the new year.

Got a huge kick out of this Hanukkah song, which was played in my Spin class this morning:

Candlelight. Click it, honest, you will crack up.

And Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without my beloved Bruce Springsteen's version of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town.

So, my dear Graces, Happy Everything. I'll be back in Jan.

Holiday Gifts for Kids

2011-12-11T20:48:00.007-05:00

Dear Grace,
I have four siblings, all of whom have at least two kids. I have no kids and one salary. How do I gracefully reduce my gift giving? I want to be a good sister and aunt, but I've started to dread birthdays and holidays.

Grace Says:

Suggest the following arrangement with your sibs: Once there are children involved, presents go to them only. This way, you are being both a good sister and aunt, and keeping the cost manageable. You're making your sibs' kids happy...which should make your sibs happy in the process. Give the grown-ups cards and/or things like homemade goods or coupons for a night of babysitting. Let them continue to buy things for you if they wish...until you have children of your own.

Dear Grace:

I'm a clueless but well meaning uncle. What can I give my seven year old niece for Christmas that won't make either her or her mom hate me?

Grace Says:

I love questions from well-meaning uncles. Especially ones who realize that we moms might not always agree with our daughters about what's cool or appropriate.

Some great options in this situation:

A charm bracelet. The first occasion, buy the bracelet and one charm (there are fab options online, most big department stores sell charms, or you can go upscale for the bracelet and first charm and do Tiffany.) For any or all gift occasions after that, you can give a charm that says something about her life at that point. My goddaughter, now 8 years old, has an extensive collection of charms that recall milestone memories in her life: a bikini charm for the year she learned to swim, a chihuahua charm when she got a puppy, a tutu during her ballet phase, a tiara for her princess obsession. This Christmas she's getting a microphone to commemorate her recent performance in her school's musical production. (Much as I adore my niece, I thankfully live too far away to attend. I'll watch the edited version of her scenes when I see her on Christmas.)

A book/toy combo. This is great for boys, too. Amazon.com or a good bookstore clerk can tell you what's hot and intelligent for the recipient's age group (you should have an idea whether the child is on the more- or less- mature-for-her/his-age end of the spectrum- ask the mother if you need to). Mom will love the book. We hope the kid will, too, but kids will never complain if you add a toy that's somehow connected. Like The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane with a stuffed bunny. The wonderful yet overlooked Ozma of Oz with a bling-y crown/tiara. Big Truck and Little Truck with a toy truck. Lily's Purple Plastic Purse with, I bet you can guess. The Invention of Hugo Cabret with a toy robot.

Or put the two together: a book with a charm: a copy of Charlotte's Web with a pig charm. The Spiderwick Chronicles with a fairy charm or a little key to go with A Secret Garden"...

Happy Holidays, Graces. Remember, it's the thought that counts, even if the kids haven't learned that yet.

Listening Skills

2011-12-07T16:36:00.000-05:00

This time of year I am mostly focused on issues surrounding holiday etiquette, but a recent event prompted me to deviate from this timely theme. This unfortunate occurrence at a social event, and demonstrated a profound lack of empathy for another's real problems by someone who, by and large, is a Grace.

The UsualGrace asked about a friend's teen, who had been struggling with various problems. Whether it was good form to make such an inquiry in public is absolutely questionable--a True Grace would only do so in a quiet, private setting--but at that point, the Chanel was out of the atomizer. The beleaguered mom gave a brief, honest, and rather depressing account of their recent troubles. UsualGrace said, "Where is she now?" Mom said, "She's home watching Glee." UG said, "Well, that's what all the kids are into. It sounds like she's perfectly fine. I don't understand what you are so worried about. If she can appreciate something that is so normal, I'm sure she'll sort herself out."

Oh, dear.

My assessment of whether the appreciation of Glee is an indication that a person is "fine" aside, the abject dismissal of this family's challenges is downright flagrant.

But notwithstanding my objection to this, ahem, cultural phenom...if you are going to ask about a person's troubles, you'd better be prepared to hear them and respond with something akin to sympathy or understanding. And no, I am not referring to people who respond to the general "How are you" with a detailed description of their intestinal machinations.

To simply disregard a real crisis as "perfectly fine" is insulting, hurtful, and probably made the mom feel even more isolated and upset than she already was. Doubtless UG was trying to make the mom less worried by attempting to minimize her problems, but it backfired. You know what they say about the road to hell. The mom excused herself tactfully, and left the event soon after this unfortunate conversation.

So let's recap, Graces.

If a friend is going through a rough time....

DO offer a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on at an appropriate time. "Appropriate" can be defined as a small, quiet setting where you will have some time to talk. It cannot be defined as warmup of zumba class, at a workplace meeting, or at a raucous happy hour.
DO express your understanding in a supportive, non-judgmental way: "That must be so difficult." "I am so sorry you are going through this."
DO offer help: "I don't know if there is anything I can do, but if there is, I'll do it." "Can I drive you to an appointment/pick up your kids/bring you some groceries/come by with a pint of ice cream and a large spoon?"

DON'T say dismissively that everything will be fine.
DON'T ask for particulars in the middle of a large gathering or social occasion. If the person has made the effort to get out, s/he is probably eager to escape the trouble for a spell.
DON'T make ill-informed diagnostic statements. "He likes to watch football? Well, then I'm sure he's over his clinical depression." "I read an article about that in People; Kim Kardashian's cousin was cured with hypnosis and wheat grass juice."

Grace on TV

2011-12-06T14:33:00.003-05:00

I was asked by Good Day Philadelphia to share some tips on gift giving. So I did....

Gym Etiquette 101

2011-12-02T07:00:00.001-05:00

Gym Etiquette is the topic of the day...and you know I am a huge fan of Modern Family, so I couldn't resist posting this clip of Mitchell doing "Troga".

I know I have talked about this scourge before. Here too. But rudeness at the gym continues, and a reader requested a refresher on Do's and Don'ts. So, here are a few friendly (or not so friendly) Grace reminders...

DO:

Wash your gym clothes regularly. Seriously, there seem to be some people who operate on the theory that "they're going to get sweaty anyway so why bother?". This is patently gross and wholly inconsiderate of the people around you.

Respect personal space when you are passing fellow gym-goers at work. When people are stretching, lifting, planking, and otherwise contorting their bodies in the quest for lithe and fit muscles, do not walk by them in close proximity. Their pose or hoist may be precarious and if they twitch to avoid you they risk injury to them and you. Give a wide birth to people engrossed in serious (or not) reps.
Similarly, don't get any closer than is absolutely necessary during exercise. If there's only one treadmill free, and it's immediately adjacent to a fellow jogger, then you must take it; if there is an alternative, choose it. Ditto at Yoga, Spinning, Pilates, Tai Chi, or any other class. No one wants to breathe your sweaty fumes or inhale your exhalation.
Consider your attire. I don't care if you look like Victoria (or David) Beckham. Your abs are your own business, we don't need to see them no matter how proud they make you.

DON'T

There's simply no Gracious way to address this, but a reader specifically asked for this one to be mentioned....If your body has a need to emit a malodorous fume, remove yourself to a private space--ideally the loo, but if that is not practical, at least to a less populous zone. Better yet consider a home workout or perhaps an outdoor jog if you seem particularly 'bubbly' on a given day.
Treat the locker room as your personal valet space. In other words, don't lay out your products from hair gel to foot cream across every surface so that others have no space to prep.
Hog the equipment. Bully for you if you plan to do supersets with increasingly large dumbbells. But consider the fact that other people want to do reps, too. Do your set, put the weights back, and grab the next increment. I promise, your biceps will still bulge, even if they have to wait 30 seconds between sets. Ditto the cardio or weight machines--remember that lesson you (should have) learned in Kindergarten about taking turns?

At this time of year, especially, we're all fighing the battle of the bulge. So be Gracious out there!

Things I am Not Thankful For

2011-11-27T14:33:00.000-05:00

So the day of gratitude has come and gone. And hopefully your Thanksgiving was wonderful: gathered with loved (or at least tolerated) ones, sharing a traditional meal, pondering the things for which we are thankful. All good.

But what if there were a day on which we were given the chance to express the things we are NOT thankful for. In essence, the things we would like to eradicate.

I'll start. Here's my sixpack:

1. People who litter. Now, I am not by nature a violent person, but seeing a person toss his gum wrapper, or worse, a cigarette butt onto the sidewalk, makes me so aggravated I almost want to commit assault. Hmm...would that be aggravated assault?

2. Cell Phone Grunts. I know I've addressed this before. Here too. But the scourge continues.

3. Discourtesy in general. This is a mighty broad topic, but let's narrow it to the basics: say please and thank you; hold the door for someone; say excuse me when you inadvertently bump someone or unavoidably invade personal space; respond when addressed.

4. Superiority Complexes. Ok, so Dr. Freud might not sanction this as an actual term, but you know what I mean. People who think they are better than everyone else because they do Kung Fu-Hot Power Yoga-Boot Camp-Sprintathons/eat only organic seaweed harvested by blind Malayan fishermen/drive a Hummer (or Prius)/wear couture/belong to (or eschew) a certain club....and the list goes on. Do what makes you happy, provided it doesn't hurt anyone else, and shut up about it!

5. Hypocrites. I think I would prefer Thanksgiving dinner with a terrorist or mass murderer than I would a hypocrite. Especially one with a Superiority Complex.

6. Lack of Humor. Can we put all the humorless people together on one miserable island and make them watch Modern Family until they learn to laugh? Impractical, I know, but I bet it would work.

What are some of the thing you aren't thankful for?

Thanksgiving Etiquette Dilemmas

2011-11-19T09:48:00.004-05:00

If Thanksgiving Day is here, can etiquette dilemmas be far behind? Here are two challenging scenarios and how a Grace would handle them.....

It's noon on TG. The turkey is still in the sink. It's still frozen. You have twelve people arriving at 4:00.

First of all, Remain Calm. No situation ever improves with panic or loss of temper. One way to expedite the thawing process is to put the frozen bird into a large sink or tub and run cold water over it. This is not instantaneous, and your dinner will still be delayed, but it will speed things up. If that's insufficient, or your guests have planes to catch, make some phone calls--most towns have a few reputable take-out food purveyors and you might get lucky and locate an unclaimed turkey, even at this late hour. Whole Foods, gourmet grocers, caterers, the local deli, even Boston Market might rescue you. You can also try restaurants and hotels. Anyplace that is vaguely American or Continental is serving turkey today and might just sell you one--for a price. If that fails, head to the grocery store--most are open for at least part of the day. You can pick up a few turkey breasts (not frozen!) and turkey legs, and roast them the same way you intended to roast the iceberg currently not thawing in your kitchen sink--but much, much faster. Alternatively, Chinese takeout is a viable option. No matter what route you choose, keep your sense of humor and hold your head high. These things happen, even to Graces, and what separates us from the Grunts is how we handle them.

Here are some more troubleshooting turkey tips:

Your adult brother and sister aren't speaking (really not speaking, like one walks out of the room when the other appears), but are both coming to family TG.

Ain't families grand? As a host, it is well within your scope to require civility from guests, particularly those related to you by blood. Call the siblings ahead of time. Express understanding and empathy (even if it's manufactured) for their respective positions. Then ask (firmly) that they suspend their hostility for the day in the spirit of Thanksgiving and for the comfort and ease of their fellow guests. They don't have to be teammates--or worse, opponents--in the family touch football game. (Under the circs, it might be best to bench them both.) They should be required to summon up a small degree of civility. Call the more reasonable of the warring parties. Tell him/her: "I am getting ready to call Bro/Sis to demand that (s)he behave at my Thanksgiving table; will you agree to a 24 hour cease-fire?" Make the same call to the other one, hopefully with the ability to say "I have already spoken to X. S/he is willing to suspend open combat at Thanksgiving. I hope I can count on you for the same." If the two of them are absolutely unwilling or unable to make this temporary adjustment, you are absolutely within your rights to request their absence.

OR.....Invite them in shifts. Have Sis for dinner and Bro for dessert. Inform them both that you are staggering their visits to avoid any explosions over the turkey.

So, Happy Thanksgiving, Graces!

Kardashian Divorce, No Etiquette Required

2011-11-01T12:38:00.006-04:00

Much as I am horrified by this shameless escapade, I have to weigh in. There seems to be significant confusion with regard to the gift aspect of things, so here are some observations....

One school of thought dictates that a gift is a gift. Regardless of what the recipient does with it, or what the result of the bestowing occasion may be, you've handed over the item and neither it nor its fate are in your hands.

There is another school of thought, however, that says if a wedding is a ridiculous sham whose sole aim is a 72-day long charade designed to generate publicity, revenue, and loot, then said loot should be returned to the apparently duped guests.

Because a wedding celebrates the union of two people as they start a life together, and the gifts are intended to help the couple equip their home. Clearly Kim and Kris's wedding does not fit this description. (Would he have still been selected if his name had been Chris, I wonder.)

And no, I am not putting up any pictures of them.

Channel 3 asked my opinion; here's what I said.

Answer Me!

2011-10-21T14:24:00.009-04:00

I don't want to sound sexist, but I have a new pet peeve and the guilty parties on this one tend to be male. I've informally polled my Grace posse, and the testimony is overwhelming.

Here's the scenario:

Grace: "Grant, I'm heading out to the store, I'll be back in an hour." or "Grant, while you're in the kitchen, will you please give the soup a stir?" or "Grant, the lottery called, we won ten million dollars."

Grant: " " [The empty quotes indicate total silence.]

Grace: "Grant? Grant?" [Volume increasing] "Grant? Did you hear me???" and I have officially become Estelle Costanza.

All I ask is a response. I don't even care much what it is. Any of the following is acceptable, in decreasing order of preference:

"That's wonderful, Grace. Be sure to buy yourself some new shoes today."
"Ok, Grace"
"Mm-hmm."
"Copy that."
"10-4 Good Buddy"
"Sorry, that doesn't work for me."
"No can do."
"No &*^%$ way."

But the absolute silence puts us Graces in the unenviable position of ascertaining whether our message was received. If there is truly an auditory complication (loud music, hearing loss, eccentric neighbor's ill-timed chemical explosion) then Grant is not at fault; Graces simply repeat the statement at a slightly higher volume when the sonic boom ends and await a courteous (or at least spoken) answer. But if there is not a legitimate reason for the lack of response, and the silence continues, it is absolutely Gruntish to force Grace to transform, unwillingly, to the Untamed Shrew.

So answer us, guys. It saves time, trouble, and aggravation.

Get Well Gifts

2011-10-14T09:31:00.004-04:00

In the last week, it seems like every time I turn around someone's kid has been injured. Friend's son sustained concussion playing football. Niece needed 34 stitches as a result of a go cart accident (no point in debating the wisdom of placing a 9 year old in the driver's seat of a used and questionably operational vehicle and pointing her downhill; what's done is done). Another friend's son severed a tendon and required hand surgery. In cases such as these, the Graces among us do our best to provide aid, comfort and amusement.

Here are some Gracely Tips....

1. Send the kid a gift--preferably something that will amuse him in his convalescence; books, puzzles, arts and crafts, solitaire games, a DVD (though not for the concussed; they are supposed to avoid too much brain stimulation--consider a hat for the injured head, a fun pillow on which to lay it, a very calming audiobook or cd). Clearly they will need to occupy their time in ways that do not involve their normal activity. Things that do so are invaluable to them, their spirits, and their parents (who are doubtless riddled with worry, wracked with guilt, and stressed with the effort of taking care of the injured party) .

2. Deliver food--this can be a full dinner for the family, a lunch for the mom and/or the invalid, a small packet of treats for the child.

3. Provide respite--offer to drive carpool for the mom, take siblings for a playdate, cover 'snack day' at preschool, or sit with the ailing kid for an hour or 2 so mom can run some errands.

And for heaven's sake, let's be careful out there. Accidents happen, (believe me, I know) and kids are resilient, but let's prevent them from becoming.....

That's the Ticket!

2011-10-03T07:00:00.004-04:00

As this post is about tickets, I couldn't resist....

With fall upon us, there is a lot of chatter about tickets. Most cultural entities--orchestras, museums, theaters and dance companies launch their seasons at this time of year; baseball is starting the playoffs, football season is in full swing, and basketball is just around the corner. As most of these require tickets, and few attendees go solo, there is serious potential for etiquette breaches in the ticket realm.

One ticket conundrum that has recently been brought to my attention by a Grantly Friend involves the use of 'comped' tickets. For the purposes of this anecdote, I will refer to him as 'GF', though this is not his real name. In GF's profession, he is frequently offered free tickets to cultural events, which he then, as a Grant, shares with his friends if he is unable (or unwilling, as in the case of many performance art shows) to use them.

In general this is a lovely scenario in which everyone is happy. GF does a good turn for an Opera Loving Friend by giving him costly and hard to procure tickets. OLF is thrilled with the opportunity to enjoy his passion at virtually no cost. GF is overjoyed to avoid a night at the opera, far preferring a baseball game. The Opera Company is glad to spread its wealth to influential GF and to avoid the shame of an empty seat. Win win win.

But here's the rub: if OLF accepts the tickets and does not use them, everybody loses. GF has egg on face because his seats are empty, plus he feels badly that the Opera Company has forgone cost of the tickets by not selling then. OLF has wasted the tickets which might have easily been offered to another OLF. Moral of the story: if you accept tickets (whether the giver has paid for them or not) be sure to use them. It may well be that the OLF was less invested since he knew the tickets were comped, but this is irrelevant. If you won't be parking your bootie in the seat, make sure someone does. Let the original ticket holder know that the tickets are up for grabs asap so there is a chance he can regift them and save face for everyone.

Here are some additional guidelines....

If you are invited to a concert, game, or play as a date, you should not be expected to reimburse the ticket costs. [If that is the general formula of your current significant other, you may want to rethink your choice.] It would, however, be Gracious to pony up for refreshments or other incidentals during the evening.
If you are invited by a friend, colleague or other non romantic peer, and their intentions on the costs are not clear, offer to pay for the ticket. In general, the 'inviter' covers the ticket costs but playoff games are steep, times are tough, and you don't want to presume. If he doesn't accept your offer to pay, great, but be double sure that you kick in for other costs--food/drink/parking, etc.
The best way to avoid confusion, and I'm talking now to the 'inviters', is to be clear at the outset.
If you want to treat, say: "Dan, I have two tickets to the National League Division Series tomorrow. Want to come? It's on me." or "Susan, would you like to come with me to the Museum's opening of the Degas exhibit as my guest?"
If you don't plan to pay for everyone, say: "Dan, I bought two tix to tomorrow's game; they were $87 each, do you want to come? No pressure; I won't have trouble selling the spare, but I know you're a huge fan and it should be a great game." or "Susan, the Degas exhibit opens next week. Tix are $25. Shall I get us a pair? We can settle up later." Once you mention the price, it should be abundantly clear that you are not planning to cover costs.

Have you had any ticket snafus yet this season?

How to Be a Grace When Someone Storms Out

2011-09-26T12:41:00.002-04:00

Dear Grace,
I hope your foot is healing well, and everyone continues to be kind and helpful during your recovery and beyond!

I/we have been put in the uncomfortable position of having someone walk out of a group outing in what seemed to be a huff, and now won't return messages asking if things are ok. We've all been there-you're with a group, someone gets upset about something and walks off, leaving you to figure out why the person left and whether it's better to stay with the group (especially if you're the host!) or run after the huffy departee to try to figure out what went wrong.

I'm wondering what a Grace is to do in this situation, as I am sure that it will happen again eventually, and I want to be prepared in the future.

Many thanks,
All Huffed Out

Dear Huff,
Thanks for the good wishes; still in progress. Recently liberated from crutches after 4 looong weeks, but still have 4 weeks in the walking cast. Progress is progress; I'm thrilled with the newly gained mobility even if it involves an ugly boot and slow, wobbly motion.

But onto your dilemma.

Those who storm out are rarely Graces, all we can do is diffuse the erupting drama. If your guest has left the building, say something like: "Gosh, Jenn must be stressed out, poor thing. I'll give her a call tomorrow. Who's ready for dessert?" The key is not to let the eruption shanghai your gathering. If "Jenn" has simply left the room, you can excuse yourself and say, "Jenn seems really upset, let me go check on her. Anna, you were mentioning how much you enjoyed the season premiere of Modern Family, carry on." In the event that Jenn decides to return with you, continue diffusing--either by just rejoining the group and resuming normal conversation, or, if Jenn chooses to apologize for her outburst, lead the forgiveness charge, "No worries, Jenn, we've all had bad days from time to time. We were just talking about Chapter 7 when the contessa reveals herself to be the scullery maid's daughter. Were you surprised by that twist?"

The way of the Grace is to keep the get-together moving with the least amount of disruption and NOT allow the tantrum thrower to become the center of attention--either for good ("poor jenn, let's organize a girls' lunch to cheer her up") or for ill ("jenn is such a $#@&; I can't stand the way she acts."). It's oh-so-tempting to launch a dissection of Jenn's character, emotional state, personal life, and tendency to make grand exits with the remaining guests, but this is neither Gracious nor particularly fun. Much better to redirect, by means of conversational adroitness, refreshments, or a lasso, the original intent of the event.

As to your current situation, even Graces have limits. If you have made a sincere effort to reconnect and Tantrum Tess is not receptive, then give her some time. She may be genuinely steamed about something, or she may be mortified by her behavior. Good friends and Graces move on. After the requisite supportive overture (phone call/email/visit) offering TT a chance to talk it out and yourself a chance to apologize if indicated, then give it one more pass with a clear message that you have moved on: "TT, I'm going to X on Friday and I'd love for you to join me. Let me know if you're interested. If you need some time, I understand. Give me a call when you'd like to get together. Hope to hear from you soon." This puts the ball squarely in her court and lets her know that you are not dwelling on the episode.

Alternatively, if these grand displays are a regular part of your friend's interaction, you may want to rethink the friendship. Everyone has a bad day now and then, but if this is frequent and disruptive, you don't need to endure it. I'm not advocating that you shun her, like some ancient and bizarre religious cult, but you might decide to gradually reduce your exposure. Life is complicated enough without unnecessary controversy.

And speaking of dramatic exits, I leave you with my all time favorite entrance maker: Kramer. Gosh, I loved that show.

Eleven Things Every Grace Should Have in Her Handbag

2011-09-20T07:00:00.000-04:00

My husband calls my purse "the magic bag" because it contains pretty much everything you would need for basic survival until the Canadian Mounties arrive. But it's not one of those mammoth satchels that you could hide a body in. My handbags are of sensible dimensions in tasteful colors and materials. And they always contain the following:

Lipstick or gloss--you really don't need to carry your entire cosmetic collection--a fresh coat of lipstick gives your whole face a lift.
A mirror--this is not merely vanity. You may need to check your lipstick application, or you may need to hand the mirror to someone to retrieve spinach from her pearly whites--no Grace wants to be directing traffic from incisor to bicuspid in pursuit of the elusive, recalcitrant vegetal fragment. You can compactly merge items 1 and 2 by procuring a snazzy little lipstick case with an interior mirror--very handy and stylish. Mine is fuchsia silk.
Shout Wipes or a Tide pen. I have an embarrassing story to illustrate the need for these accoutrements, albeit one with a happy ending. I was nibbling on a homemade coconut chocolate truffle one afternoon as I was walking out the door to an important meeting. I was thrilled to be wearing my fabulous new ivory suit. Unfortunately, as I bit into the truffle, a sliver of chocolate covered coconut fell and landed on my ivory skirt directly above my left knee. Fear not, Graces, for the magic bag came to the rescue--ever equipped with Shout Wipes, I whisked one out, blotted out the unsightly brown smear, and made my meeting, stainless, and with minutes to spare. [NOTE: hand wipes or baby wipes work equally effectively in crises of this sort].
Dental Floss. Sharing the embarrassing story about the coconut truffle reminded me of another embarrassing, though illustrative anecdote about dental floss. Several years ago, I had the good fortune to visit a lovely Moroccan restaurant and partake of the lobster tagine. Unfortunately, the 3rd bite of lobster lodged itself firmly and painfully between two of my molars. I immediately excused myself to the rest room to address this unpleasant situation. Since I was carrying an evening bag as opposed to my usual "magic bag", I did not have sufficient supplies. I tugged and worried at the lobster fragment with my tongue and my fingernails as I searched frantically for a small, pointy object that would remedy the problem. Eureka! I pulled the diamond stud out of my ear and began prodding. Catastrophe! The diamond earring joined the lobster fragment and got stuck there as well. Fortunately, after much effort and agony, I managed to dislodge both foreign objects, returned to the table and resumed the meal carefully. But ever since, I have been sure to carry a small spool of dental floss.
Mints--that luncheon Caesar Salad was delicious, but you don't really want to breathe its fumes on the target of your afternoon pitch.
Tissues--please use the contained purse packs--the polka-dotted or leopard prints are cute, but not necessary--just avoid the stray, crumpled tissues swimming around in your bag; even if they haven't been used, how would one tell?
First aid kit, including two heel-sized band aids for New Shoes days. (You can find small versions of these at any pharmacy--they seriously are smaller than a sandwich.)
Pen and Notepad
Ibuprofin and Antacids (these come in containers the size of a chap stick so are easily portable.)
Anti-bacterial gel or wipes.
Emory Board

What's in your handbag?

I'm Not Your Personal Google Search!

2011-09-12T07:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Grace,

I have a ... friend, let's call her Cindy. Cindy and I were close in college, but in the five years since, our relationship has dwindled. Things began to drift away when Cindy stopped initiating or reciprocating acts of friendliness: social phone calls or emails, meeting up for dinner, invitations to gatherings, etc. We now see one another only at friends' functions, and since Cindy is socially competitive, I tend to give her a wide berth at these events.

There is, however, one notable exception to Cindy's apparent lack of interest in our relationship: she likes to call me when she needs a recommendation. ANY kind of recommendation: restaurants, wine pairings, travel destinations, a hair stylist, health advice, etc. She contacts me 2-3 times a month, and only because she wants something (i.e.: she usually doesn't bother to make polite conversation or ask any personal questions). Of late, I've been screening her calls, giving her vague answers to questions, taking my time responding to her emails or texts if I respond at all, and generally trying to give her the impression that I'm not interested in being her personal Zagat guide. She is not, however, taking the hint.

Any advice? I would love ideas about how to graciously let her know that if this keeps up, I'm going to have to start charging for my services.

Sincerely,
fatigued friend

Dear FF,

I understand your frustration, and you have managed it in the best way possible. Graces avoid scenes at nearly all costs, but your friend is making that increasingly difficult. You have two options:

1. Continue on your current course. Ignore the calls and emails; whether or not she takes the hint is up to her; you can simply delete the message and forget about it. A variation on this theme is to respond with no information: "I don't know of a good Thai restaurant in town, sorry," or "I can't recommend a dog groomer for your high-strung Peke," or, "No, I don't know of a cost effective way to vacation in Hawaii; if you find one, please pass it on to me." If you dry up as a source, she may simply stop contacting you.

2. Speak up. "Cindy, I haven't heard from you for weeks.....not since the last time you needed to find a 24 hour pharmacy for Alka Seltzer at 2am." That is not terribly subtle, so it should get the point across. If not, you can either use a version of the strategy outlined above, or go further: "Cindy, I'm not your personal search engine. Concierge services run about $40.00/hour; maybe you should hire someone." This is the less Gracious course, but even Graces can only be pushed so far. This remark will undoubtedly put a cease and desist on the pesky calls, but could invite retaliation. You mention that Cindy is socially competitive; if vengeance is an arrow in her quiver, you may want to opt for the low key approach in choice #1.

One aspect to consider, this from a more generous angle. Cindy's competitiveness likely stems from insecurity, as does her apparent inability to choose a restaurant, order wine, or take an aspirin without your approval. She clearly trusts and values your opinion and admires your ability to make good decisions. This is not to talk you out of Options 1 and 2 above, but just another way to view this less-than-Gracious conduct by Cindy.

Shower Invite=Gift Grab

2011-09-07T07:00:00.002-04:00

Hello Ms. Grace!

I’m not sure if you remember me, but I actually wrote to you a few years ago about sending a wedding gift to a friend, and never receiving a written thank you note, and instead – a text message. You wrote a little blog post about this horrible incident and agreed that it was a case of bad manners.

Fast forward three years, here I am again, writing to you about the same offender, with a new offense. I have had sparing contact with this person since the text message incident. She and her husband live in the Minneapolis suburbs, and I have moved from Minneapolis to Los Angeles. I received an invitation last week… to attend her baby shower in Minneapolis… that is two weeks before my wedding. I knew that this friend was pregnant, and had planned to send a gift when the baby arrived, like a graceful person, but now… an invite to attend a shower? Really? I’m not a family member, and definitely not a close friend (reference sparing contact over the last 3 years)… why am I getting this invitation when I live over 2000 miles away and clearly cannot attend? I started looking at the baby registry (both of them) and saw over 400 items.

This is more than I have on my wedding registry. Now I’m just angry. Am I horrible person if I do not send a gift, and just send a card? Is this clearly a request for a gift since it is not possible for me to attend? Will the requests for gifts ever end? (I received THREE wedding shower invitations for her three years ago, despite, also, not being in the wedding or a family member or even living within driving distance.) What’s a Grace to do?

Looking forward to your sage advice,
Disgruntled

Dear D,
Certainly, I remember you and your "text thanker" of a friend. (Pause for deep, cleansing breath.) First of all, No, emphatically, you are not a Horrible Person. That designation may be appropriate for another actor in this scene, but onto your dilemma....

I see she is up to her usual tricks, putting you in a Gracious dilemma. Instead of sending you an invitation to the baby shower, she should have simply sent you a birth announcement after the happy arrival. That would have been appropriate, particularly due to your relationship status, your geographical location and the rather momentous event you have on your near horizon. But her track record does not prognosticate that she would do the Gracious thing, and clearly she has kept to that Gruntly path. As you have been invited into an awkward situation, you have two options.

After promptly sending your RSVP regrets, you can:

1. Send a very modest gift (board book, bib, etc.) or a greeting card. She has done a yucky thing by inviting you and fishing for shower gifts, but you will do a Gracious thing by sending a small token or congratulatory card, which is the traditional response to a shower invite (however tenuous the connection may be.). This is likely what I would do--it is the path of least resistance, and Graces must often compensate for the Gruntliness in others.

2. Send nothing. This may be seen as a statement from your friend, but it sounds like at this point you won't shed any tears over a complete severance of ties. You're nearly there anyway.

The only word of caution in item 2...Graces try not to burn bridges; as a practical matter, you never know when you might end up snowed in at Minneapolis airport and need a friend--even one who texts thank you notes and trawls for gifts. Both 1 and 2 are completely acceptable; choose the one that feels right, and move onto more important matters, like your imminent marriage.

Congratulations on your impending nuptials; I am supremely confident that your wedding will be a Gracious affair; your intended is a lucky Grant of a Groom, I'll warrant.
SG

Fractured Foot, Fabulous Friends

2011-08-26T09:09:00.004-04:00

Deja Vu All Over Again. At least I had a pedicure the day I did this.

This is a post from 2009. When I redesigned the blog, I pulled down all of the old content and wondered what I might do with it. This post tells the sad tale of my broken foot. Even sadder, I repeated the injury last week, and then some. In addition to fracturing the same bone in my foot, I snapped another one, and bruised my ribs. It was a similarly Graceless move; I was walking down the stairs in the dark, missed a step and tumbled. Kind of like this:

Having emerged from a hazy, Percocet infused week, I realized that I had written a related tale on this very topic. If you've seen it before, my apologies. But as the Graces you doubtless are, you will give me a pass when I tell you that sitting and typing with bruised ribs is, well, not quite the medieval torture describe in lesson #1 below, but no fun. I'll be back in form soon. Meanwhile, I'll post when I can. Cheers.

Well, Graces, the picture tells the story. I am indeed laid up, on crutches nursing a fractured foot. The true tale of the spill is embarrassing beyond belief--I stepped off the curb, fell, and broke my foot. Here are some of the alternative versions I am working on:

--I was picking my daughter up at gymnastics (which is true; I was en route to the gym when I tumbled). Upon arriving, I was inspired to attempt a backflip off the balance beam and didn't quite stick the landing.

--While ice skating at the local rink, I found myself in a race with Apolo Anton Ohno. As I began to pull ahead, he stuck his skate in my path and caused me to fall. Given the swiftness of my pace, I feel quite fortunate that I escaped with a mere fractured Calcanius bone.

--While crossing the street, I saw a family of 4 enter the intersection, putting themselves in the path of a speeding city bus. With no thoughts of self, I jumped into the oncoming traffic, and shoved the family to safety. The speeding bus nicked my fleeting foot as it whizzed by, and fractured it.

I welcome further suggestions from you, Graces.

There are several things I have learned about life on crutches. I am happy to share them in the event that you find yourself in this unfortunate position:

1. Underwire bras and crutches do not mix. The underwire hits exactly below where the crutch does, pinching that oh-so-tender skin with every movement. But if you are anything larger than a B-cup, commando is not an option (all that hopping and bobbing associated with being a uniped becomes downright painful on the girls). I have opted for sports bras, at least until the crutches are done. While less figure flattering, at least I am spared the agony of constant pinches to the side-boob flesh. But I do miss my Fantasie bras.

2. I am in constant terror that my currently over-used posterior (all I can do is sit!) is going to spread to the width of my couch. Furthering this terror is the fact that it is impossible to wear normal pants with the cast. First off, anything but the widest flares won't fit over it, and secondly, I spend so much of my day with my leg raised on a pillow that I require the freedom of movement required by knits, not jeans. So I live in sweats (ok, they're pretty nice sweats but still) and the accompanying fear that I will outgrow all of my normal pants without even knowing it.

3. It is possible to exercise, sort of, with a broken foot. I spent about 45 minutes doing yoga stretches, crunches, bicep and tricep curls and other (hopefully) physique preserving moves this morning. As a person accustomed to regular exercise and the urban-dweller's recommended daily allowance of walking, my improvised gym session made me feel lots better.

4. Crutches have improved since the old wooden things associated with Tiny Tim. Mine are a rather attractive matte pewter shade, fairly light weight, made of tubular metal. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd like them.

5. Baths are preferable to showers. Balancing on a wet, potentially slippery surface on one foot, and then having to navigate your way out is liable to result in another broken bone. Much easier to sit on the side of the tub and slowly immerse yourself. Just be sure to drape a towel over the edge before you sit down. Cold porcelain and bare flesh are a bad combo, especially when sudden movement is considered high risk.

6. My friends are the greatest. One brought tulips and chocolates (feeding my fear of fatness, but also much enjoyed), another brought a delicious, healthy, not-too-fattening lunch and stayed to eat it with me. Company is what I crave most--if you have read more than 3 words of this blog you will know that I am a social creature and I wilt a bit after too much solitude. When I start obsessing about the position of the lamp cords in the living room, it really is time to move--even if it's just to another room. Other friends have taken my kids for meals, sleepovers, outings and assorted drop-offs and pick-ups. Another brought dinner. Roses. Groceries. Graces one and all. Would I sound biased if I pointed out that all of these friends were women? Perhaps these skills are governed by XX chromosomes only.

Shower Trouble?

2011-08-15T07:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Grace,
I have a social dilemma, please advise....

My stepsister is getting married this fall. I am not close to her, we rarely see each other, and without digging too deeply into the family history, the dynamics are complicated and we have a difficult history.

I have been invited to her shower. I do not want to go, and I know I was invited out of obligation. My mom will be bugged if I don't go and I don't want to upset her, but going will upset me--or at least force me to give up a September Sunday to honor someone who I don't hold in high esteem.

I know I have to go to the wedding--I can't avoid that one, and there will be enough people there and sufficient distraction that the usual awkwardness should be minimized. I am, however, concerned that I might be invited without a guest. (I am in my 30's, currently unattached).

So, my question is twofold: (1) Can I bag the shower? and (2) How can I ensure that I am invited to the wedding with a guest?

Thanks,
Not-Very-Wicked Stepsister

Dear Sis,

In responding to your letter, I couldn't resist posting a Cinderella/stepsister clip:

But, on to your dilemma....
As far as the shower, you have two options:

1. Skip it. Make sure the gift arrives in a timely fashion and give something noncontroversial off her registry. If Mom objects to your sending regrets, you can be honest: "Mom, I have a hard time at these types of events due to the family dynamic. I am sorry that it bothers you and I respect your wish that I attend, just as I hope that you respect the fact that I simply can't do it. I promise to attend the wedding." Or you can tell a white lie: "September is a busy time of year at work/I am going to be away that weekend/I made other plans". The former is more like the 'rip the band-aid off quickly' approach--short term pain for long term gain--it may result in an argument now, but has the potential to reduce future demands. The latter will avoid an immediate confrontation, but ultimately propagates the problem.

2. Go. And there are sub-options in this category. A) Set your jaw and muscle through it like you have probably done before--which is admittedly not tempting. B) Give yourself a job at the shower. This has the potential to take you out of the crossfire and central action, but also reeks a bit horrifically of the Cinderella step sister phenom. By a job, I mean something like keeping track of the gifts, or taking care of Grandma, or assisting with the food/drink. If you are busy, you are less likely to be upset by the usual drama and residual historical hurt, but you also may resent being 'the help.' You'll have to decide which is better for you.

As far as the wedding, no Gracious host invites a 30 something to a wedding without a guest. If you think this is the plan, you need to sidle up to Dear Old Mom and take preventive measures STAT. Let her know that you are happy to join the family in celebration of the happy event, and that you are planning to bring a date/friend/guest so please make sure they factor that in to headcounts and seating charts. If you do opt for the direct approach in item 1 [above] that would be an opportune time to request the 'plus one' invite.

You seem to have done a good job managing this situation in an adult way--so it's important to remember that you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. While Graces don't deliberately spread misery or make scenes where there is any possibly way to avoid them, neither do they bear burdens that belong to others. Continue to liberate yourself from this and you will undoubtedly feel better.

UnGracious Typo Gaffes

2011-08-08T07:00:00.001-04:00

I have recently begun doing some freelance writing--while not nearly as much fun as thesocialgrace or phillyfoodlovers, these gigs pay real money. These little job-ettes have taken the form of corporate newsletters, press releases, community bulletins, and some industry and sales blogs. Not surprisingly, the fun and interest level of each topic is in inverse proportion to the remuneration....but it keeps me out of the bars.

As a result of my taking on this type of work, my great uncle sent me some ab fab newsletter bloopers that he came across, all of which appeared in actual community/church/synagogue/ school/ organization/neighborhood bulletins, all of which should make their writers and editors turn an unflattering shade of red.

So, while grammatical, spelling, and typographical errors don't fall strictly within the bounds of etiquette, they overlap. You'll see what I mean; if you don't proofread carefully, you may wind up saying something offensive......or at least questionable.

Here, in all of their glory, are a selection of the funniest newsletter bloopers sent to me by my dear (and very funny) Uncle Herb:

Weight Watchers will meet in the Community Room at 7pm. Please enter through the wide double doors.

The school basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8. Come watch us kill Christ the King.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery in the basement.

Scouts are collecting aluminum cans for recycling. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

Don't forget the town rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Tonight's evening service topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to choir practice.

The block party will feature an evening of great food, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Don't let worry kill you off--let the Church help.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday in the community room. Please use the back door.

The 8th Grade will present Shakespeare's Hamlet Friday night. Don't miss this tragedy.

The Board Chair unveiled the new fundraising campaign slogan: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

The pancake breakfast will be held at the firehouse next Sunday. Please alert the committee if you are willing to loan them your electric girdle.

The Independence Day concert and sing along will be held Friday evening at 8pm on the village green. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Eric Stein and Rachel Miller were married on October 24 in the sanctuary. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Sunday's sermon topics are as follows. Morning service: "Jesus Walks on the Water." Evening service: "Searching for Jesus."

So, tell me Graces: Did you ever make a whopper of a typo, only to learn it too late?

Not Gym Dandy

2011-08-01T07:00:00.000-04:00

So there I was at the gym last week, having dragged myself to Total Body Fitness class. This class is not for the faint of heart; I generally am weeping about 15 minutes in, but I force myself to muscle through for the sake of more fitness and less fatness.

A new student arrived a few minutes early and asked the regulars what the class involved. I refrained from saying "physical torture" and gave her a brief overview of the weights, body bars, core work and cardio that we generally endure. She asked me if jumping was required; I replied that sometimes there is, but you can opt for a low impact version if necessary. She seemed interested in the class and decided to stay. Little did I know, thus ended the potential for a pleasant and rigorous workout.

The instructor started us with a warm up jog around the room, the first of 11 five-minute intervals involving different exercises. NewGirl kvetched. Instructor offered her the option to power walk but asked her to stay in the inside lane so the runners could pass her. She adopted the first part of his directive only, much to the inconvenience of the rest of us. The next phase of the class began (a weightlifting segment) and she spent it giving us and the instructor a list of her injuries (back, neck, knees; I stopped listening at that point, but she went on for several more body parts.) Phase three of the class involved hurdle jumping and mini sprints. At that point, she started to storm off saying, "I can't take this class! I can't do anything you are making us do! This is no fun at all!" (Well, what did you expect, sister, a peppermint foot massage and a gin and tonic?) Her apparent departure should have suited everyone. Except for one Goody-Two-Sneakers who went after her and said, "Oh, no, please stay, we can ask the instructor to alter the class so you can do it."

Why, oh, why must people take steps like these to coddle the miserable, the Graceless, and the inconsiderate? We all would have been better off if Ms. Malcontent had just limped off into the sunset. Instead, the fitness-minded among us were forced to take a dumbed-down class, the instructor was forced to alter his program, and Ms. Malcontent was brought back into the fold by a well meaning but ultimately misguided (im)perfect stranger.

In situations like these, What's a Grace to do?

If I could have caught my breath enough to speak, I would have said:

"Gosh, I'm so sorry I steered you wrong about the class. The last thing you want to do is injure yourself again, what with your complicated medical history. We completely understand that you need to bail. Have a nice day!"

A Grace Walks Into A Bar.....

2011-07-25T07:00:00.003-04:00

Ok, Graces, this is seriously one for the books. It requires a bit of background, so bear with me.

Earlier this week, I posted the following comment on my FB page: "Can we start a campaign to eradicate fanny packs? How about a back pack, messenger bag, sling, tote? Seriously, a trash bag would be more stylish." I got quite a few likes and comments, pretty unanimously agreeing with the proposal.

To elaborate, why would you do this:

When you can do this:Or this?

I was prompted to post the (arguably unGracious) comment after seeing a really glaring display of fanny pack faux pas by a gentleman who crossed my path. He was a large chap, which did not help things, and he had chosen a really unfortunate pair of shorts. Remember Cameron in Modern Family when he went through the bike shorts phase?

Accessorize that outfit with a fanny pack, and, well you get the picture.

Fast forward 2 days from the fanny pack fiasco to the record breaking heat wave. Grant hubby and I had plans to meet another couple for dinner at 7:30. GH came home from work at 6 and announced that he was going for a run. This despite dire advisories from health professionals about the dangers of heat stroke being broadcast from every media outlet.

My reaction: "I can't believe you went to Harvard, you are so dumb." (Ok, not the most Gracious remark, but the heat makes me cranky and I rolled the tape forward and foresaw that his plan was going to risk--gasp--tardiness, which puts me way past cranky, approaching livid.) Off he went, returning sodden but fine, but completely unable to stop sweating in time to shower, dress, and arrive promptly for our dinner engagement. He did have the good sense to look chastened and apologize, and I did have the good Grace to leave without him so that at least one of us would be on time.

I arrived at the restaurant, scanned the crowd for our friends, came up empty, and took a seat at the bar to await them.

The bar was relatively empty save self and a gentleman to whom I gave a cursory glance. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. He quickly sat down near to me, said, "Hello" pleasantly enough, and then I placed him. It was the Fanny Pack Guy.

What's a Grace To Do?

Above all, be nice. Regardless of your attraction (or lack of) to said suitor it takes some guts to introduce yourself to a total stranger in a bar. He was courteous, pleasant enough, and even if I was not in the market, it was certainly a compliment to be approached.

I returned the greeting and said, "Sometimes it's a curse to be the prompt one. My husband is running late, literally, and the other couple we are meeting has not arrived yet." [Note strategic and immediate reference to husband; regardless of how vexed I was with my heat seeking spouse, I did not want to convey any implied interest or availability.] To FP's credit, he continued with some small talk and in due course the rest of my party arrived. As we exited the bar to have dinner I shook FP's hand and said, "It was nice to meet you."

Somewhere, someday I hope he will find a fanny pack wearing female that will share his cocktails. I feel sure that he will.

Doesn't it seem to you, Graces, that there's a Karmic message in here somewhere?

What to Do When a Guest Invites Herself

2011-07-19T13:40:00.000-04:00

This question arrived recently from a loyal reader....

Oh, Grace.... Advise me, please.

Several neighbors have gotten together to plan a block party. I was out this evening distributing the flyers, and saw a neighbor outside. He keeps an inconsistent schedule but is well known and liked and I was specifically told invite him. I handed him a flyer and mentioned the block party. There was woman sitting next to him who I'd never seen before. She asked for one, saying she lived a couple blocks away. I had only been given the exact number of flyers for our block, so I had no extras, and I explained that this is the first year to try the event so the organizers decided to limit it to just our block.

The woman said it was rude to invite him but not her (I knew this, but given my week long hunt for this elusive neighbor, I was willing to risk a bit of rudeness to get the invitation delivered.) She told me that she does a lot of community work and it's good to invite people from the wider neighborhood so they could all get acquainted. She even started rattling off names of people that she knows on my block. After emphasizing again that this is the first year we're doing this on our block, that we want to keep it small and see how it goes, I told her the date and said she could stop by, and walked away.

How should I have handled it? And why do people want to be invited to events clearly not intended for them?

With thanks,
Block party Block head

Dear BPBH,

That kind of pushy, preachy, know-it-all busybody really chips my polish, which is currently a rather fetching shade called Plumberry, recommended to me by my fashionista sister.

Allow me to pause for a deep cleansing breath and a rejuvenating sip of something to steady my nerves. Ok, ready to go.

You certainly landed in the soup--a living, breathing embodiment of the 'no good deed goes unpunished' adage.

I share your pain; I found myself in a similar situation last month with regard to the end-of-the-season softball pizza party for my daughter's team. Having offered to host the soiree and provide all food and drink, I invited the team and coaches only. I made this abundantly clear in the invitation email, and explained that I would wait at the door at arrival and departure times so parents would not have to park or take too much time with logistics.

Twelve of the 13 families understood, accepted, and abided by this; the 13th family showed up late: Mom, Dad, softball player and evil twin tots, and while I explained that they could pick Isabella up at 7:30, they looked aghast. The two little devils had already run into my house shouting for pizza. I stood firmly at the door and said I'd be sure to have their daughter ready so they did not have to wait. The mother looked mutinous, shouted to her demonic twins, "Damien, Sybil, we're not allowed to stay," and left in a huff. The thing was, if she received the email informing her about the pizza party's time and place, then also contained in said email was the fact that the invitation was only issued to the daughter with clear instructions on drop off and pick up. I found it most puzzling.

That night I, too, asked the question that you pose: "Why would people want to attend a party to which they are not invited?" It truly is a mystery for the ages, along the lines of "why do people still wear pleated pants?" and "where do the socks go that are eaten by the dryer".

But onto your dilemma....

It was awkward to invite the neighbor in front of someone else, but I understand your need to grab him whilst he was available given your description of his irregular hours.

One alternative would have been to fold the flyer and hand it to him, saying something like "I don't want to interrupt you, but have a look at this when you have some time and call if you have questions." Then walk briskly away, leaving Ms. Gate Crash no opportunity to invite herself. (Given her pushiness, I can't assure you that this would have worked). Or, say something like, "I don't want to burst into your conversation, but I've been trying to drop this to you--for your eyes only--and I haven't seen you in a few days." It wouldn't hurt to give him a little wink with the 'for your eyes only' line. The only other possibility would have been to skulk unobtrusively around until Ms. GC left, then rush the chap. But, given the fact that you are undoubtedly a busy woman, this suggestion might be impractical.

Once the cosmo is out of the glass and dripping down your blouse, as it were, all you can do is damage control.

Here are some suggested phrasings, in decreasing order of Graciousness, that you might have tried: (though, again, given her lack of Grace, I can't guarantee their efficacy.)

I really am sorry, but as it's the first time we're trying this event, we're limiting it to just our block. I'll be glad to take your suggestion back to the committee and let them know that there is potential interest for an expanded version next year.
I was given only the exact amount of invitations for our block, so I am sure that the event is for our block only. I apologize for handing this to Joe in front of you; I've been looking for him all week and he hasn't been here so I took the opportunity to deliver this to him now. Since I am just the courier, I didn't construct the guest list, and I'm not in a position to expand it.
Don't shoot the messenger.
I believe house #123 on our block is for sale. If you can close by Saturday the 30th, you're welcome to join us.
I am not in the habit of issuing invitations to total strangers, nor am I accustomed to being lectured on rudeness by someone who just invited herself to a party. Good Day.

But, ultimately, you were a Grace thrust into a gruntly situation, which hovered dangerously close to a scene. You know how we Graces feel about making scenes: chew the tongue off first. You avoided this and told her she could stop by. Unfortunately, the Way of the Grace can be a challenging one, for we are often forced to compensate for the bad behavior of others. But remember, the high ground is a better place to tread, even if it means we have to open the cooler for the undeserving occasionally.

I hope your block party is rollicking good fun, devoid of molded jello salad, and replete with conviviality. And maybe Ms. Gate Crash will come down with a summer flu or prodigious poison ivy. Fingers crossed.

Speaking of awkwardness around invitations, nobody does it better than Larry David.....

Harry Potter meets The Social Grace

2011-07-14T07:00:00.002-04:00

I am a big fan of Harry Potter. I think the books are worlds better than the movies, but I give the filmmakers their due; they've done an amazing job translating the material to the silver screen. With the opening of the final film this week, it feels like the end of an era.

Carrie Rickey of Flickgrrl fame offers a great take on the series here.

For sheer fun as the momentous day arrives, I thought I would compile a Gracelist--a list of imagined Gracious recommendations for the wizarding world to as they take their proverbial final bows...

Top Ten Transfigurations The Social Grace Would Like to See:

Hermione, icon and muse for Insufferable Know-It-Alls everywhere, will learn to distinguish between the times to wave your hand frantically in the air to share your prodigious knowledge and the times to sit quietly and keep your own counsel.
Someone will gently steer Luna Lovegood away from the cork necklaces and radish earrings in favor of more tasteful accessories.
Ginny, Luna, Hermione, Lavender, Cho, and all the Hogwarts witches will realize that there will be a lid for every cauldron (if they decide they even want one). They will consider that the Harrys of the world may be famous, handsome and heroic, the Rons of the world are brave and funny, the Dracos of the world are rich but evil, and the Nevilles of the world eventually grow tall, shed their paunches, straighten their teeth, bring you incredible flowers, and will put themselves between you and a Death Eater when it counts.
The Dursleys will read Gift Giving 101 and send Harry a ten-galleon gift certificate to Quality Quidditch Supplies as a thank you gift for saving the world.
Hagrid will appear on "Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard", adopt Metrosexual grooming habits, and retire his horrible brown fur suit.
Rita Skeeter's biography on Albus Dumbledore will be remaindered within a month of its release. A more accurate, honest, and positive version will be authored by Hermione and demand will challenge even the magical inventory at Flourish and Blotts.
A percentage of the prodigious proceeds of Hermione's book will fund Hogwarts scholarships for young wizards in need of financial aid. Muggle borns, half bloods, and pure bloods may apply.
Xenophilius Lovegood will resurrect The Quibbler as a slick, newsy, cutting-edge publication generating sufficient revenues to rebuild his house and get a decent haircut, with plenty left over to buy his daughter some fashionable jewelry and accessories (see #2).
The Social Grace will be a regular column in the new Quibbler. After all, wizards need etiquette reminders, too!
Harry will hire a competent decorator for 12 Grimmauld Place, and will transform the house into a warm, bright, beautiful, comfortable home in which to live happily ever after.

All Star Houseguests

2011-07-11T07:00:00.012-04:00

With the All Star Game happening this week--I am an avid baseball fan--it seemed a good time to report on some all star houseguests who visited us at the beach over Fourth of July weekend.

Disclosure: they were not my guests, and a full house at the beach with our extended family disinclined me toward adding more people to the mix, but after their stay, I would gladly trade these guests for some of the regulars. Here's why:

1. They brought wine. Not just a bottle or two, but a case of really good wine. So good that my husband woke me up to tell me about it. The wine and the guests arrived late Friday after I had retired for the night. I was rather irritated with this disruption to my beauty sleep, but when I rose in the morning and saw the labels, I understood his urgent desire to share the good tidings.

2. They brought food. Not just a chunk of cheese, or some Gawd-help-us jello salad, but a bountiful array of delicious vittles: enough bacon, sausage and omelets to feed 20-odd people for breakfast, sufficient sandwich fixings as lunch for the same crowd; antipasti to whet our appetites for dinner that evening, and dessert to complete the meal.

3. Their kids were really polite, quiet, and compliant with the house rules. Not like other guests' children, who treat the living room like a jungle gym despite gentle to progressively harsh reminders from "Aunt Witchie" (aka The Social Grace.)

4. In addition to all of these tangible contributions, they were really nice, fun, and genuinely pleasant to be around.

This was, of course in stark contrast to many other houseguest horrors. Witness, these, all true tales, endured by myself or reported to me by my fellow Graces:

The guests who parked themselves on the sundeck like traveling royalty and expected three squares and an afternoon happy hour to be served daily.
The guest who recoiled in terror when she learned that the drink she was served contained ice cubes made from tap water. Ditto the guests who don't eat A-Z and expect your kitchen to disgorge the obscure organic/vegan/everything-free tree bark and sap nuggets that they are willing to ingest.
The guests who truly believe that the inner workings of their intestines are of pressing interest to all and sundry. Similarly, those who natter on constantly about their medical past, present and future.
The guest who insisted on bringing her non-house-broken dog. More on my *pet* peeves in a future post.
The guests who confuse "hosts" with "child care providers."

So, tell me, Graces, what are your Best and Worst Houseguest Experiences?

What to Pack for a Weekend at the Beach

2011-07-05T07:00:00.000-04:00

Although I am a die hard city girl, nothing makes me happier than a day at the beach spent with a good book, a salty breeze, a big hat and lots of sunblock. Last week's post generated some specific questions on weekend packing, so in response....

Here is what I bring for weekends at the beach:

2 swimsuits
1 coverup
2 skirts (shorts or skorts can be substituted; I prefer skirts, even for casual gatherings, but that's just me.)
2 tops that mix and match with your chosen bottoms
1 sundress
appropriate undergarments
1 set of sleepwear
1 cardigan or wrap
2 pairs of sandals--one for the beach, one for evenings
Hat
Sunglasses(my new zebra print cat eyes adorned with rhinestones are my fave new summer aquisition--a birthday gift from my Grant of a hubby.)

Sunscreen
1 exercise ensemble
book--I loved Melissa Jensen's latest release--perfect for girls from 14-104)

And, of course, don't forget your hostess gift.

Grace Sends You Packing

2011-06-29T13:44:00.013-04:00

The summer season is upon us, rejoice, rejoice. This often means travel, weekends at the beach or lake, and consequent packing and unpacking. With this in mind, I have 2 words of advice for you, Graces: Travel Light.

I know of what I speak. I got a diamond engagement ring and the accompanying husband out of my ability to pack strategically. On a long ago, 3 week trip to Australia involving 4 distinct climates and activities that ranged from nights at the opera to hiking in the desert and snorkeling I managed one checked bag and one carry on bag. My then-boyfriend (who had brought significantly more luggage than I did) was so thrilled with this arrangement that he decided to marry me then and there. He proposed on the banks of Sydney Harbor, handed over a ring a week after we returned to the US, and by and large, we have lived happily ever after.

Here are my "Greatest Hits of Packing":

1. Roll, Baby, Roll. Just like Jim Morrison said in his iconic hit "Roadhouse Blues" (though in a decidedly different context). Remember the blessed day when the Girl Scout Camping Weekend Trip ended and you rolled up your sleeping bag? Duplicate that method with every article of clothing you pack. A friend's mother once transported a bridal gown using this method. I might not recommend it to this extent, but in general, rolling saves space and prevents wrinkles.

2. Jersey Girl. Whether you prefer the Tom Waits or Bruce Springsteen version (or Bon Jovi--who knew--it's bloody good!), jersey--and all knits--are a traveler's amiga. NOT, God Forbid, a sweatsuit of any fabric (even velour....make that especially velour), but attractive knit pieces. Cotton or silk tees and tanks, knit skirts and dresses, shorts and pants laced generously with stretch all arrive in wearable condition sans wrinkles.

3. These Boots Are Made For Walkin'. Make sure all footwear is comfy, versatile, and neutral. Leave the Blue Suede Shoes behind with apologies to Elvis, no matter how much you love them. And use space inside the shoes--stuff 'em with socks.

4. Back In Black--it goes with everything, can be dressed up easily, doesn't show dirt, and is slimming. What's not to love? If all black is too monotonous or somber for you, choose one or 2 accent shades that intermingle with everything. White is a no brainer, varying shades of greys and khakis work, or bolder, brighter hues of pink and green. Just make sure everything can mix and match.

5. Box of Rain--Bring your own in the form of an Evian Spray Atomizer. I refuse to board a flight longer than 90 minutes without one, and they provide a lovely refresher at the beach. Those clever folks at Evian make a handy 1.7 oz can, which will keep your skin hydrated while your fellow passengers and beachgoers dry up like those shrunken head dolls. Give yourself a spritz every hour or so.

Bon Voyage!

Party Guest of Honor Behaves Badly: Hostess Hell

2011-06-20T07:00:00.000-04:00

Here's one for the books, Graces.

My friend Grace S generously hosted a party last week. She did so as a favor to a friend. Well, really a friend of a friend, who needed a place to screen her short film about how Jane Austen's novels affected her dating life.

Given the subject matter of the short film, S. wisely invited women only. I don't care how in touch with his feminine side your guy is--he does not want to attend a gathering like this one and the sizable withdrawal from the relationship favor bank that his attendance would require is not worth his reluctant company for the evening. Trust me.

S and her co-hostess assembled a bountiful buffet of appetizers, red and white wine, and pitchers of margaritas. They gift-wrapped copies of the film on discs for all of the guests, and arranged flowers decoratively throughout the house.

The guest of honor arrived in a dress that was smaller than the DVDs. Seriously. The back plunged so deeply that we were put in mind of plumbers crouching under sinks. The tightness of the dress screamed "anatomy lesson" more than "fashion statement." Her first question: "Where are all the men?" Kind of makes you wonder whom (or what) she had in mind when she selected her attire for the evening. Doubtless Jane Austen would have a wry and witty assessment.

When offered a drink, the honored guest requested red wine. S poured her a glass. Guest took a sip, put the glass down and asked, "Do you have anything else?". Oh, my.

What's a Grace to do?

Let's look from both sides:

Now, we've all been there--you're served something that you just don't like. (Though having attended plenty of gatherings at S's home, I know her offerings are always top notch.) In such cases, you simply carry it around until the host isn't looking and ditch the disliked potable in favor of something you like better. You never let the hosts know.

As far as the host is concerned, you smile warmly and say, "Of course. We have X,Y, and Z if you'd prefer any of those. What can I get you instead?". The high road is always a better route, even if it requires some teeth gritting as you travel it.

And speaking of Jane on film, nobody does it better than Emma Thompson. The acceptance speech she gave after winning the best adapted screenplay award for Sense & Sensibility is worth watching....(scroll ahead to :42 to skip the chaff.)

He's Late, She's Prompt--What to Do?

2011-06-13T08:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Grace,
What is a Grace to do when one's better half is constantly tardy? When there is the option, is it more gracious to leave one's companion behind and make a timely entry solo (which makes one's partner look Gruntly upon his or her late arrival), or is it better to enter as a couple, even if late (which makes both of us look Gruntly)?
Thank you!

Grace Says:

Cattle Prods? Strangulation? Divorce? I LOATHE tardiness. But, I'm sure your chap has lots of other redeeming qualities, so, let's solve this one:

My best advice to you is to lie. While I normally advocate honesty in relationships, this goes into the 'little white lie' category, not the 'whopper' classification. You're not claiming to have paid the mortgage when you actually bought several pairs of Manolos, nor are you claiming to be drafting a sales proposal on the computer when you are carrying on a cyber-affair. You are simply ensuring that you depart for social events on time in the most painless way.

If you are due to depart at 6:30, tell him that you need to leave by 6 (or minus whatever his customary time deficit is.) I have the same situation with several of my family members. Last week, they were coming in for a 3pm event at my daughter's school. I told them it started at 2, and I still had to go by myself and save seats. They sprinted in as the music started, round about 3:05. Inexcusable, but after XX years, I know with whom I have the pleasure and I circumvent the problem.

As far as leaving without Mr. Tardy and letting him arrive in his own not-so-sweet time, I'm all for it--provided it doesn't inconvenience you in terms of transportation (having 2 cars at the destination), safety (walking out at night alone), or cost (paying two cab or train fares).

I hope these help! As always, thanks for writing and good luck.
SG

That Was NOT a Compliment

2011-06-07T12:53:00.008-04:00

So there I was at Zumba the other day. You know how much I love Zumba, and you know that the class is rife with non-Graces, for I have detailed their antics before. This particular instance involved an acquaintance and fellow Zumba devotee who gave me what she clearly intended as a compliment but really came off--unintentionally, I am sure--as a barb.

To give you a bit of background: my customary gym attire slants more toward the yoga pants and not-very-fitted tee. I am not one of those bare-all types intent on displaying their parts to all and sundry. But last week, I happened to don more form fitting attire for class. It was hot, and I chose lycra capris and a ribbed tank. After class, the aforementioned neighbor approached me and said, "Grace, you have lost so much weight, I didn't recognize you!" Trouble is, I haven't lost weight--at least not much. Ok, I have been hitting the gym a bit harder of late in prep for beach season, but at most I've toned, lifted, and possibly slimmed down a bit. But not to have rendered me unrecognizable!

Another recent and similar experience:

I worked for months on a benefit to raise money for a local non-profit. At the gala, the organization's director approached me. He said: "Grace, you look so nice, I almost didn't recognize you." It's no wonder that his agency needed some help staying afloat.

What's a Grace to do?

I smiled, nodded, accepted the uber-gaffes as the compliments they were hopefully intended as and chalked the experiences up to good material.

Have you received any complimentary insults lately?

Breaking Away from Challenging & Demanding Parents

2011-05-27T07:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Social Grace,

My adult siblings and I each live hundreds of miles away from my parents, and since none of us are in what anybody could define as a high-income bracket, visiting frequently is not an option. Visiting, period, tends to be difficult because one of my parents has an emotional disorder that makes any prolonged interaction unpleasant and damaging. The parent is not aware of the disorder nor the damage they consistently inflict, and is generally high-functioning in society, so the other parent will not push for any drastic therapy. As adults who have come to terms with our own needs for boundaries in this relationship, my siblings and I have chosen not to throw rocks at this particular hornet's nest.

It does leave us with interesting dilemmas when it comes to making sure that both parents feel loved and not abandoned. All of the siblings call our parents regularly (at least twice per month) and, for the past several years, have met our parents at another relative's home (in another part of the country entirely) for Christmas. However, I want to broach the idea of this Christmas gathering not being mandatory any longer. Only one of my siblings is married, and he did not make it to the gathering this year. My parent with the illness cannot conceive of a grown child NOT "coming home for Christmas" unless they are married, but this expectation is really unsustainable as I look ahead to the coming decades. My parents are in their early 50s and my youngest sibling is in his upper 20s.

Could you speak firstly to the kind and correct way to communicate with parents regarding holidays when their adult children are unmarried and therefore don't have a strong "excuse" for opting out, and also make any comments from your experience of the interaction between etiquette and having to deal with people whose social understanding is handicapped by emotional illness? (I am well aware that the particulars of a situation like ours is best addressed by a professional in the mental health field, but I would love to know your general thoughts and I know I am not the only person in your reading audience who finds themselves in such a situation.)

Grace Says:

Wow, that is a can of worms indeed. First of all, kudos to you and your sibs for making peace with such a volatile and seemingly toxic situation, and for your desire to remain loving, kind and inclusive of your parents despite these challenges.

As far as making them feel loved throughout the year without frequent visits, that's the easy part. Even on a budget, thoughtfulness is easily expressed: greeting cards, emails, the phone calls which you already do, small gifts in the mail (I'm talking fuzzy pink socks for Mom whose feet are always cold, or a packet of Dad's favorite licorice, not cashmere sweaters) are all nice ways to let them know you care without exposing yourself to pain and suffering.

To your other, more complicated questions....

I view the holiday issue in the same way I view removing a band-aid or getting an eyebrow wax--the quicker and sooner the better. If you know that you are not coming home for Christmas by July 4 weekend, then speak up. Let Mom and Dad know that you have other plans. Say calmly and clearly that this is in no way a reflection on them (even if it is), but that at this stage in your life you feel the need to establish your own traditions in your own home. They may well come back with the "you're single, childless and still have roots with us." In that case, you can respond equally calmly with "Yes, that is indeed my demographic, but I still really want to spend Christmas [feeding the homeless,/working on my novel/painting my living room/not traveling/hiking in the woods]." Stick to your guns, no matter how aggressive they get; if you let them beat you down on this one you reduce your chance of ever getting out from under this obligation. To soften the blow, you can offer up a "Christmas Visit" at some point in striking distance of December if you wish. Often times, the holidays trigger the worst in people, particularly those with emotional difficulties. The alteration in routine, bigger crowds, the expectation of fun, festivity and gifts can prove extremely stressful and for this reason often result in ugly scenes and unpleasant memories. A random weekend in January might be far less dramatic.

The flipside of making the early pronouncement, is of course, that the parent may harangue you from July 5 through December 25. In that case, there's no reason to prolong the agony for yourself; put off letting them know until you can't reasonably avoid it, and at that point fasten your seatbelt. You will have to make the decision whether sooner or later is better for you based on the individuals and their personalities.

As far as etiquette issues around people with emotional illness, first of all, let me once again commend you on your good heart. Few people (even Graces) have the ability or desire to accommodate someone who is seemingly so difficult. The best way to address people with these types of challenges is to be kind, clear, and non judgemental. Present information to them in the most non threatening way. Do not become defensive, regardless of their reaction. Keep in mind that they are hampered by their illness and that prevents them from responding appropriately much of the time. Choose times and places that are most comfortable and manageable for the afflicted person--if they get tired in the evening and struggle more with interpersonal relationships toward nightfall, try to limit any controversial conversations to early morning.

If certain situations or individuals bring out the worst or trigger bad reactions, avoid them. If you know Aunt Tillie sets Dad off every time they get together, extricate your group from her company. Ditto restaurants or long car rides in traffic, loud music, or pets--whatever the trouble spots are, you may be able to reduce the outbursts by reducing the stress inducers. You clearly have an understanding of the disorder as an illness, so just as you would help a blind person across the street or a physically handicapped person up the stairs, you can help your parent cope with challenging situations by offering an 'emotional helping hand'. When things start escalating, diffuse--offer to take Mom for a walk or out for a coffee. Ask the person who seems to be the trigger to help you in the kitchen and remove them him from the situation. It is a big responsibility for you, no doubt, but since you seem to visit infrequently, you can limit your exposure to manageable time spans.

And please don't hesitate to seek the help of a professional if this gets to be too much for you. Your parents' unwillingness to treat the illness should not translate to you with regard to collateral damage.

I hope these suggestions help.
Good Luck
SG

While I normally add an amusing pic or video clip here, this post doesn't really lend itself to levity. But the title inspired me to add this--Breaking Away is a great movie, and really uplifting. If you haven't seen it, do so soon!

Grandparents Growing Old(er) Waiting for an Invitation

2011-05-23T07:00:00.006-04:00

Dear Grace,
My wife and I, both in our late 60's have a married daughter with 2 children living about 100 miles away.

Our parents taught us that you just don't drop in friends or relatives but wait for an invitation.

Our daughter says we are always welcome & do not need an invitation. Consequently this is causing tension in the family. We never get an invitation for any occasion.

How should we address this?

Grace Says:

Ah, the variations and vagaries in generational etiquette.

The "drop in any time" works fine when you live a few minutes away and are buzzing by daughter dear's house frequently. When you see them out on the porch on your way home from the grocery store, say, or if you want to drop off some surplus lasagna you certainly can pop in for a bit. But for distances like yours that model is completely untenable.

Assuming you and the Mrs. do want to visit daughter, son in law and grandchildren with any regularity, you are going to have to adjust the tenets of your very good upbringing. When the mood strikes you to visit the kin, shoot them a call/email/smoke signal indicating your desire for a get together. Offer a few dates that work for you, and let them know that you are flexible and willing to work around their calendar. Since they have set up the protocol that they do not issue invitations to their home you will have to be a bit more assertive than strict, traditional etiquette would suggest.

Another tactic to employ: ask them when the kiddies have events that you could attend--ball games, school plays, music recitals, dance performances, tiddly winks championships, etc.. Let them know that you would like to come celebrate these occasions with the family and support the offspring in their pursuits. In this vein, I send my parents the softball schedule before opening day, same goes for dates of any performances or recitals--emphasizing that there is no pressure to come, but offering it up for their consumption if they wish to attend. When time permits, they do come and the grandkids are thrilled. Few parents will decline the offer by grandparents to swell the applause when their budding Mozart pounds away on "twinkle, twinkle, little star."

Finally, when holidays or other momentous events are on the horizon, throw your hat in the ring. Say, "Daughter, Thanksgiving is drawing near. We'd love to share a turkey with you and yours; can we get together?" If hosting is difficult for them due to the size of their home, the age of their kids or their level of neuroses, consider inviting them to your home or visiting them but staying elsewhere (a local hotel or B&B). This enables you to enjoy quality time without overdoing it.

Remember, this is about maintaining a relationship with your daughter and son-in-law, and cultivating one with your grandchildren. Standing on ceremony here may leave you standing alone when you'd much rather be standing room only at your grandson's chess tourney or standing at the buffet at your son's holiday party.

Good luck and thanks for writing!
SG

And speaking of grandparents, I came across this hilarious clip--not exactly on point with this post but it made me laugh out loud. So, yes, Grace does have a low brow sense of humor on occasion.

Scent Etiqutte

2011-05-16T14:02:00.005-04:00

Remember Kramer and his beach perfume? Today's question came from a loyal reader with a perfume problem....

Dear Grace,
I've appreciated your wisdom on Gracious workouts, and hope you can help with some locker room etiquette.

I enjoy going to the gym in the morning, and I shower and get ready there because the gym is half way between my home and office. There are a number of regulars in the locker room who keep something of the same schedule as I do. One of them has a job that is more flexible about start times than mine is, and she sometimes gets into the locker room earlier than I do and sometimes later, so it's hard for me to plan to avoid her. I was taught that if someone more than touching distance from you can smell you, you are wearing too much scent, and if your scent lingers, you are definitely wearing too much. I also work in a fragrance-free workplace. This makes it a problem that several days a week, Ms. Flexible Schedule sprays on so much perfume that the entire locker room smells (which I know, because I've tried to get ready in far, unscented corners of the room but can't find any), and I smell of her perfume all day at work. Since I can't predict her schedule so I can plan to avoid her in the locker room, is there anything Gracious I can say to her to suggest she cut back on her scent use so that I can continue to comply with my workplace policy?

Thank you for any insights on this!

Grace Says:
This is a tough one. Because people are grooming in the locker room, there is a wide array of scented items that may rear their aromatic heads so it may be difficult to limit them. For example, hair spray, antibacterial gel, even some body lotions, may have strong scents and people could justifiably object to a ban on them. But, this is clearly a problem for you in the workplace so we must at least attempt a Gracious remedy. As I see it you have two options.

1. The indirect approach: Alert the gym's management. This keeps you out of the direct discussion while hopefully addressing the problem. They ought to have a policy that deals with this issue. Assuming the club management is willing to work with you, posted signs could indicate a policy that requires a cease and desist of perfume spray--or at least a restricted zone on one side of the locker room. I know you said that the aroma carries, but if Fragrant Frances were required to spritz in a far and remote corner and you could set up on the opposite end, it would certainly mitigate the amount of smell that clung to you.
2. The direct approach: When you see Fragrant Frances wielding her atomizer, say, "Sorry to bother you but would you mind waiting to spray that [until I'm out of here/when you get outside?]. I work in a fragrance-free office and I've been reprimanded for coming in to work with scent on me--which can only come from other people b/c I never wear perfume to work. I have to be really careful. I'm sure your perfume smells great, and I hate to inconvenience you, but I end up in trouble at work if the slightest aroma, even a pleasant one, migrates in with me."

Neither of these is fail safe, but definitely worth a shot. The truth is, Graces are aware that, like flirtation, plastic surgery, and designer logos, perfume should be subtle. It should not precede your entry nor linger after your exit from a room. But as we see every day, the world is full of Grunts.

Good luck!
sg

Oops

2011-05-14T14:57:00.001-04:00

Thank you, Anonymous, for bringing to my attention my posting glitch. (see comment below). This is where my technological limitations rear their ugly heads. Mainly, I am a writer with an interest in etiquette. As a necessary adjunct, I have had to learn to operate in the blogosphere, but I am barely competent with the tech stuff.

Like the way I approach driving a car, operating a food processor, or growing basil, I am on a "need to know" basis with my computer. I don't need to be able to find the auto's carburetor, disassemble the Cuisinart's blade rotor, or diagram the plant's cell wall--I simply call for help when things are beyond my rudimentary skill. Same goes with the Mac. But occasionally, I get myself into a jam--and don't even realize it. Like last week.

I had drafted a post about another case of workplace rudeness shared with me by a fellow Grace. I mistakenly used a title that I had used in the past for a post on a related topic. In the process of saving/posting, I obviously did something that dumped the newly composed article and reposted the old one with the same title.

Oops. Sorry, Graces. Not very Gracious of me to repeat content, even if it's accidental.

Good thing my readers are Graces!

Thanks again, Anonymous, for letting me know. Like spinach in the teeth, lipstick off the lips, open zippers, or any similar embarrassing scenario, Graces tell.

While drafting the post that was supposed to appear here yesterday, which is now somewhere in the ether of cyberspace, I came across this BBC spoof of cavemen conducting job interviews. I am leaving it up for your amusement.

Lest anyone think I am being anthropologically insensitive, well, this is a joke. I have the utmost respect for our Neanderthal ancestors.

Cough Up Some Consideration, Please!

2011-05-11T12:53:00.000-04:00

Recent posts on workplace etiquette issues have opened the floodgates; questions are pouring in daily from Graces suffering the Gruntliness of others. In today's mail....

Dear Grace,

There is a woman in my office that has had a chronic cough for about 6 months. She attributes this to her medication, allergies and/or addiction to sunflower seeds. Let me tell you, this cough is loud and sudden, and in a quiet workplace, very disruptive. It is such a piercing cough that it makes me shudder every time I hear it. I have sympathy for her if she is not feeling well but she makes no effort to muffle the cough or walk away to the ladies room during sudden fits. I keep thinking she will get better and it will go away but it seems to be getting worse. How does a Grace deal with such a distraction?

Grace Says:

That does sound dreadful. I was in a book club with a woman who had similar issues and it drove me nuts--in fact, it contributed to my departure from the group. But you don't have that option at your place of work. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Express empathy and concern for the condition--couched in suggestions for addressing the problem: "Gosh, that cough sounds awful, can I offer you a lozenge?" ["the phone number for an allergist; a glass of water; chewing gum as a substitute for the seeds?"] This tactic has the dual benefit of potentially stopping the cough temporarily while also pointing out the disruption. Hopefully this conveys that you were so troubled by the cough that you felt inclined to try to deal with it, thus prompting her to take steps to do the same.

2. Confidentially speak to your HR person; this disruption does seem to fit into workplace comfort and productivity. While health issues are dicey in terms of confidentiality and discrimination, it is worth asking the question discreetly.

3. If all else fails, procure some noise cancelling headphones. You ought to be able to get your company to provide them since they seem to be necessary for your concentration due to conditions in the workplace that are beyond your control.

For a good laugh between coughs, have a look at how Kramer dealt with his cough. Gosh, I miss Seinfeld.
Good luck and thanks for writing,
SG

He's Not Even My Boss Yet, and He's Already an Overbearing Jerk

2011-05-10T10:03:00.001-04:00

Dear Grace,

I recently interviewed for a job that, on paper seemed a good fit. It was in a remote location, so all the interaction occurred via phone and email, and it was clear that that is primarily how the job would be, too. The employer seemed to be in a huge hurry, wanted me to basically drop everything and set up the interview on almost no notice, then asked me to produce a product for him using technology that was totally unfamiliar to me by the next day. (This was, in essence, my "audition".) I cleared my calendar, stayed up very late that night to create the thing, and sent it to him, along with a request for a phone appointment to ensure that I was going in the right direction and to address some technical questions I had. Again, he did not accommodate my schedule, but we finally picked a time the following day. When he called, he had not looked at my work, and all he did was lecture me on how he couldn't hold my hand on every little thing. I was furious! The way we left it, after a rather unpleasant exchange, is that I am supposed to finish the project and/or inform him next week if I want the job. I like the idea of the job, but I don't think I like him. Mostly, I want to tell him where to go. Your thoughts?

Grace Says:

Never, never, respond in anger. Especially around the workplace. I can't advise you whether to take the job or not--it sounds like the boss might not be your cup of Darjeeling, and depending on how much exposure you would have to him, this could be hell. Most employers are especially nice during the interview process--one wonders if this is his "good behavior" what type of terrorist he could become when you join his payroll. If, on the other hand, the work is exciting and you would have very little to do with this rather quixotic individual, then maybe it would be worth a try.

What I can definitely, absolutely, positively tell you is not to burn the bridge. If you don't want the job, then you can simply tell him (or write/email, if that is the format you have been using to communicate) "Mr. Rude, It's been wonderful exploring this opportunity with you. I have thought a lot about it, and in the end, I don't think it's a fit for me. I wish you much success as you go forward with this venture, and I thank you for offering me the chance to learn about it." You never know. He could turn out to be the next Bill Gates, and do you want him to remember you as that woman who seemed competent and he tried to hire, but then you got tetchy and sent him a howler of an email vehemently declining his job offer? I think not.

I know, it's tough not being an heiress, but the vast majority of us must earn our keep by working for a living. Grace is a major workplace asset. Practice it. Cultivate it. Spread it. Trust me, it makes your (and everyone else's) day much more pleasant, and in the long run, will serve you well. When you're neck and neck with a co-worker for a promotion, Grace wins over Grunt every time.

Found this clip of workplace mishaps rather amusing....enjoy.

Grace, Grace, Egg on her Face

2011-05-04T14:14:00.005-04:00

Goose eggs from the Fair Food Farmstand in Reading Terminal Market--they're about the size of your fist.

Ok, Graces, looks like I goofed with yesterday's post. Got a lot of interesting feedback and commentary from my fellow Graces and ultimately concluded that my personal preferences regarding footwear were stated a tad strongly. (I really do love shoes, and I really don't like bare feet outside of Yoga class, beaches, or the bathtub, but that's my obsession, not everyone else's.) My characterization of the shoeless jane also may have been construed as potentially insensitive to cultures who eschew shoes for cultural, climatic, or religious reasons. The point is, I am calling myself out. It would not be very Gracious of me to ignore my own gaffe when I spend my days cataloging the Grunts around us.

So. I confess to a big goose egg on my face with yesterday's post. Here's the revised version of the advice.

Dear Teach,

Ah, yes, the personal habits of others.....

To the extent that the barefoot contessa is violating any type of health code, dress code, or hygiene protocol at work, her supervisor can and should intervene--and if that has to be done with a tip from the peanut gallery, i.e. you, so be it. Know that when/if barefoot identifies you as the stool pigeon, she will treat you differently, but at least your initial concern will be addressed.

If the lack of footwear does not violate any codes or guidelines, and the boss, the students and the parents are unbugged, you simply must grin and bear it. It's not up to you to regulate the wardrobe choices of others no matter how much they may differ from your own. (I confess to a personal bias against bare feet in this type of setting, but as I am not Queen of the World, alas, I must accept that different folks have different strokes.)

Thanks for writing!
SG

Barefootin' at Work?

2011-05-03T13:40:00.005-04:00

Dear Social Grace,
I work in a preschool and there is one teacher who insists on walking around barefoot when the temperature gets above 70 degrees. As it happens, she is advanced in age, and has been here forever, so it's not a peer relationship that would enable me to say, "that's gross; cover up those dogs". On the other hand, she's not my boss. I think this is disgusting, and it teaches the kids this bad habit, too. How do I deal with this?

Grace Says:

Walking around barefoot at work? When your job is anything other than a lifeguard? Allow me a moment to cringe, and another to compose myself. I don't even like to enter homes that require me to shed my shoes. For one thing, the shoes are generally an integral part of my outfit (remember that Sex and the City episode when Carrie lost her Manolos at a party in a shoe-free apartment?). I shudder to think. For another thing, it's just gross.

As far as the problem of Shoeless Jane, investigate your facility's guidelines regarding dress code and hygiene. There may be a policy that SJ is violating with her podiatric nudity. If so, alert your supervisor or Human Resources department (requesting anonymity) and ask them to address it. If not, you could casually mention it to some of the more neurotic parents--you know who I mean--the ones who bring their kids to school sealed in cryovac to avoid germ exposure. Do it in the form of an amusing anecdote: "When Angelina did her customary pirouette into the song circle today, she stepped on poor Miss Jane's bare feet--you know how Jane loves to go barefoot--I think they were both a bit shocked, poor things." Smile adoringly on Angelina. Her mom just might then do your dirty work for you.

Good Luck!

Grunt at Work

2011-04-28T08:27:00.002-04:00

Dear Grace,
I work in a large corporation. A chunk of my department is leaving to work for a similar company across town. Their departure is amicable and is not a result of layoffs or cutbacks. I am very close to the folks who are leaving and have the option to go with them but I haven't decided what I am going to do. Imagine my shock when my boss came up to me at the coffee machine today and said, "Jane, if you plan to stay here you should submit your resume to HR and apply to interview for your job." I was shocked--I mean, he basically fired me in front of a bunch of people. To add insult to injury, he said, "I know you were invited to the company dinner at the VP's house next week, but you should probably stay home."

Your thoughts?

Grace Says:

Wow. This goes way beyond the bounds of etiquette, but I am a strict adherent to "staying in one's lane". (It wouldn't hurt to mention to your HR and possibly your legal departments that this occurred--this is undoubtedly against company policy.) But in the meantime, it sounds like this creep made your "should I stay or should I go" dilemma (with apologies to The Clash) pretty easy.

It is the height of rudeness to discuss personal matters (employment status definitely qualifies as personal) in public. As far as revoking an invitation? Equally hideous. But it sounds like it wasn't his to revoke--you mentioned that it is being held at the VP's house. If you would still like to go, do so. Create an opportunity to confirm that with the host just in case Captain Rudeness has intervened. Stop by the host's office, call or send an email to the tune of "I'm really looking forward to your party next week. Thanks so much for including me. Is there anything I can bring?" And if you prefer to give it a miss, issue equally Gracious regrets to the hostess.

I've seen caged baboons with better manners.

It's tough to be a Grace among Grunts--your only strategy here is to take the high road. It's much easier on the Manolos, and more importantly you never want to burn bridges. Even with baboons.

Good Luck!

Ten Things A Grace Should Do When Spring Springs

2011-04-20T07:00:00.003-04:00

It's finally here, Graces. Rejoice, Rejuvenate, Relish. As one who wilts a bit in winter, I am out doing Pastoral Dances right about now. Here are my must-dos for this lovely time of year:

1. Get out. Whether you bask in a sliver of sun that splices skyscrapers or wander wooded wonderlands, just get out. Enjoy the longer days, the sprouting green, (yes, even in a city, there are buds on the trees, daffodils blooming in window boxes, and chirping birds returning to their warm weather habitats.)

2. Lighten up. Visit your hairdresser for some highlights, or the makeup counter for some brighter tones. I love Bobbi Brown's creamy lip color--it's sheer, glossy, and moisturizing all at once.

3. Introduce some color. Not, not the tanning bed variety--you know how I feel about abusing your skin thus. Bring some new shades into your closet. I know, I know, black is easy, slimming, flattering, versatile, and the overwhelmingly dominant shade in my wardrobe--guilty as charged--but trust me, a bit of pink will do wonders for your look.

4. Equip yourself with stylish rain gear--you know the old saying about April Showers. Target has great, affordable trench coats, funky umbrellas and an amazing selection of attractive rubber boots--from pink polka dots (you know how I feel about pink!) to shiny black. They will keep you dry and fashionable in one fell swoop.

5. Do some spring cleaning, whatever that means to you: a wardrobe purge; a house scrub; a ritual emptying of drawers and shelves or a cleansing facial/body buff/pedicure.

6. Host a cookout on the first warm weekend. Keep it simple with burgers and dogs, or go crazy with sockeye salmon and grilled mango chutney.

7. Dine al fresco--whether it's a muffin and latte at your fave sidewalk cafe or a full course dinner at a bistro with a patio; when the weather cooperates, there's nothing like it!

8. Spruce up your scents. Having slathered up with Bath and Body's White Citrus, I am basking in its lovely spring-like aroma. Other delightfully soft suggestions for the season: Estee Lauder's Pleasures and Bvlgari's The Blanc (White Tea).

9. Make your summer plans. If a vacation is in the cards, now is the time to arrange it. Be as adventurous or mundane as you desire, but get moving on it!

10. Turn over a new leaf. In the spirit of the rebirth that nature is demonstrating all around you, make a "spring resolution". Try Yoga. Plan to take frequent evening walks. Learn Japanese. Make a standing date with a person you really like but never manage to see. Limit your junk food intake.

And while some may find this "Springtime" clip from The Producers performed by the Glee-Guy un-Gracious, I think it's downright hilarious. Mel Brooks is a comic genius, and Matthew Morrison is rather cute. Enjoy.

Sound Seder Hostess Gifts

2011-04-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

I've received a fair few frantic notes from Graces invited to seders and wondering about what to bring as hostess gifts. As a fairly devout agnostic with a mildly Christian lineage married to a very reformed Jew, I felt compelled to research the topic rather than give my opinion, which is based on rather limited experience. We think my seders are wonderful, but they would probably not pass muster for the average Rabbi. I polled some of my Jewish Grace pals who run the gamut from strictly Kosher to "of course I eat pork" and this is what I learned.....

Don't bring food as a hostess gift to a seder.

Every family has different traditions--some of the least observant folks embrace Passover fully. Others who are religious throughout the year don't bother with matzoh. There's no way to predict, and rather than committing a gaffe or attempting an in-depth interrogation on your host's level of commitment to avoid leavened bread and grains, separate milk and meat, and steer clear of treyf, bring any of the following:

Flowers--either cut or potted. Tulips, lilies and daffodils are gorgeous right now.

Potted herbs.

Soaps.

Candles

Paper cocktail napkins and guest towels.

Linen napkins.

The main thing to remember is that you have been given a wonderful gift--to share in the special tradition of your friend's celebration. Truly, the best gift you can give back is to embrace the evening and enjoy yourself--the prescribed 4 portions of wine per person should help!

In case you want to brush up on the Passover story before the event, I recommend this Hollywood classic--starring Charlton Heston in a pre-NRA role.

(Fri)-Endship?

2011-04-11T07:00:00.001-04:00

Just received this letter from a reader seeking advice on a friendship in crisis....

Dear Social Grace:

I have an old friend, JJ, who has recently behaved in a way that has made me question our friendship. Over the years, he has occasionally been has been rude and disrespectful to me, but I have always let things go. Recently something occurred that I feel was simply over the line. It upset me greatly. I wanted your advice as to how I should proceed.

I have been married for 5 years and last year my elderly mother moved in with me and my husband. My husband and JJ know each other but are not close at all. My husband knows that JJ and I are friends, but sometimes feels a little insecure and threatened by the relationship. JJ has a lot of female friends who really are just friends. There has never been a romantic aspect to my friendship with JJ. We used to spend more time together before I was married, but not as much lately--partly because my husband would not be overjoyed and partly because I have other responsibilities and limited time. JJ knows this. In light of this, JJ is aware that if my husband knew what happened below, he would be upset.

Recently, JJ had a day off and decided to visit me--unannounced. (I work at home.) When he stopped by, I wasn't even home. Upon my return from the grocery store, I saw that his car was in my driveway and apparently he was inside. When I entered the house, I found JJ and his dog visiting with my mother. I was immediately annoyed by all of this. For safety reasons, I do not want my very frail and elderly mother answering the door, and I felt that JJ had been intrusive.

He knew I was upset by all this: the 'surprise' visit; the fact he was already inside my house with my mother; and that he brought the dog. I was not very friendly, and suggested that he'd better get going soon since I had some work to do. But before he left, the dog left a pile on my carpet.

After he left I called and told him that I thought he was out of line. He didn't seem to get it. Then he told me that I have no love in my heart or home. I then said that he was rude and disrespectful to me and that I was upset. He told me then I shouldn't call him anymore.

What do you think?

Grace Says:

Oh, my. Must pause for deep, cleansing breath. So much rudeness in so little time.

I have two different strategies for you; you choose the one that feels right:

1. Take JJ's advice (i.e. don't call). He behaved badly on several different fronts, not, as you mentioned, for the first time. The ball is now squarely in his court to make it right. By my count he owes you apologies for several infractions, but people as inconsiderate as JJ seems to be rarely see it that way.

To accuse someone of being short of love in heart and home who has worked to maintain a friendship with JJ while being respectful and sensitive to your husband's feelings AND to have taken your elderly mother into your home is clearly someone who has plenty of both. Pardon the cliche, but "with friends like JJ, who needs enemies?".

2. Wait a few days and call him again. Calmly explain the reasons for your feelings. Give him a chance to say his piece. He may genuinely miss your companionship and have gone about seeking it in a clumsy and inappropriate way. If the conversation is productive and positive, and you decide that you want to maintain the friendship, consider including JJ and your husband together in some group outings so they can get acquainted and possibly forge a peaceful and non-threatening relationship.

Please, please tell me that he cleaned up after the dog.

Good luck!
SG

Your Turf, Your Rules

2011-04-06T08:30:00.000-04:00

Recently, a reader posed the following question....

Grace,
My better half and I bought a house last year, and have finally renovated to the point where we can have guests. For the first time ever, house rules are entirely our choosing--no more "the landlord insists that...." My parents are coming to stay with us next week. How does one gracefully pass on house rules that are our arbitrary choosing, like "no shoes above the first floor," "smoking only on the front steps," "these items are recyclable in this bin but that item is trash and goes in the other one"? Is it better to just let them keep their shoes on wherever they wish and quietly separate out the trash and recyclables after they've left the room?
Many thanks!

Grace Says:

Congratulations on the new home and for getting the place ship (or 'guest') shape. Simple guideline: "Your turf, your rules." You said it best, just pass the policies along--there is nothing unreasonable or punitive in any of the items you listed. Now, if one of your guests would have a legitimate difficulty adhering to said rules, then you can make adjustments out of respect and concern. An example might be an elderly and frail grandmother who would have difficulty walking without supportive shoes, or someone on crutches for whom stocking feet could prove hazardous. Similarly, if someone has a health condition that makes going shoeless painful or difficult (I'm referring to an actual medical condition, not a desire to match the shoes with the outfit) then you may accommodate accordingly--either grin and bear it, provide slippers or acceptable house shoes in the appropriate size, or advise the guests of the shoe situation ahead of time so they may BYO.

Same goes for recycling--When Mom heads for the trash can with her soda bottle, simply show her the recycling bin. "Mom, you can toss the bottle here; we recycle glass and aluminum." No drama, just a simple fact.

Sometimes it can feel odd giving these types of directives to parents or elders, but I am confident that you will do so in a respectful, Gracious way and they will delight in seeing you and hubby in your very own digs.

Enjoy your visit!
SG

On the subject of smoking outdoors, I got a kick out of the following ad. NB: smokers may not.

Oh, Baby!

2011-04-04T07:00:00.001-04:00

I just heard about a most disturbing incident that occurred last week during a professional tennis match. Tennis, Graces! Isn't that supposed to be a gentleman's game?

At a match in Florida, pro David Ferrer hit a ball deliberately into the crowd toward a crying baby, who had allegedly distracted him and caused him to lose the point. Video here.

Let me state unequivocally that this is appalling behavior. Someone might have been seriously injured--this is a professional tennis player serving the ball, not me, with my anemic forehand, hurling a ball into a seated crowd (not that I would approve of that either, just to be clear).
Would Mr. Ferrer have executed an overhead lob to a passing airplane, a backfiring car, or a squawking bird that emitted an unexpected sound during a critical juncture of his game? Isn't it focused concentration part of, well, anything that we aspire to do well? If he wishes to play tennis in a silent, controlled environment, perhaps he should consider the Wii version.

But.

And this is a pretty big but.

Why in the name of all that is Gracious did those parents bring a baby to a tennis match, a sport that is known for its quiet crowds and subdued fans? Was the baby a tennis fan? Knowing that babies are not yet capable of understanding that crying at a tennis match is not the done thing, shouldn't the grown-ups in the equation have left junior home?

Lest you think me anti-child, let me state for the record that I have two of my own. They accompany us when and where it is appropriate and stay behind with a responsible caregiver when it is not.

And let me also state for the record that there is no shame in the U-turn. If you bring the little ones along and things go south, then bail. Better to create a short-term disruption leaving a restaurant or movie than a sustained disturbance for the duration.

Time and place, Graces. Like formal dinners, PG-13 and R-rated movies, funerals, and performances that don't involve furry puppets, events that are geared to adults should be attended by adults.

Can you think of any event that is improved by the bawling of an infant? Exactly.

RSVP, Again

2011-03-31T07:00:00.003-04:00

I have spoken about this before but this social scourge still lingers. Just yesterday, I had the ill fortune to witness a blot on the etiquette landscape in the form of, essentially, a gate-crasher to a luncheon. Here's the story....

I was invited to attend a lunch meeting as a wrap up to a major benefit that was held several weeks ago. During the luncheon, we were expected to celebrate the success of the Gala, as well as share feedback on the event and begin planning for next year. The staff of the organization sent no less than four emails inviting, reminding, nudging, and finally scolding the committee to respond so that they could accurately set up and cater a lunch. I arrived at the appointed time, and was greeted with a lovely table set for 10. The committee members and staff sat and began discussing the items at hand and tucking into the first course of chilled asparagus soup. Imagine our dismay when not one but two people strolled in without having RSVP'd. (Their late arrival, while excessively rude, paled in comparison to the RSVP issue.)

What's a Grace to do?

Ok, it's not exactly on the scale of the Salahi White House Party Crash Incident, but it was rude and Graceless nonetheless. Fortunately for all concerned, the staff of this non profit is replete with Graces. They discreetly rose from the table, swiftly procured clean plates and cutlery, and gave the two Grunts who arrived unexpectedly their seats. This was done with such swiftness and subtlety that the two Grunts never even knew the disruption they had caused. The staffers then were forced to hover around the perimeter of the table, never really having a chance to enjoy the delicious food provided, or conveniently participate in a round table discussion.

So let's try it again. When you are sent an invitation for ANYTHING, you let the hosts know ASAP whether you will accept or decline. Honestly, how long does it take to write an email or FB message? To leave a voice mail? 30 seconds. No one is so busy to render this impossible.

And while I do not consider RSVP's a joking matter, I found this SNL spoof of the Salahi party crash rather funny...

Thanks, Teach

2011-03-29T07:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Social Grace,

I am in a quandary.

My son just took a three day camping trip with his elementary school. It ended up being a wonderful experience, but I was a little nervous sending him as this was his first time away from home. One teacher was especially helpful in this department; he assured me that he would put my son in his cabin group, and gave me his cell phone number just in case. I was able to check in via text message once or twice a day, get a very brief update of how things were going, and this made all the difference in the world. As it turned out, it went so well that I didn't even feel the need to bother him after the first full day.

My quandary is: I would really like to do something special for this guy. He clearly had plenty to deal with on this trip, but he made a special effort to make sure that my son was safe and happy, and that I was not worried. I don't want the other teachers who were also there to feel slighted--they were all, I am sure, kind and helpful--but this one guy did go above and beyond. On the other hand, I don't want to be overly extravagant.

Any suggestions?

Grace Says:

It is important to acknowledge this type of effort, so kudos to you. Here are some ideas for you:

--Bake something. This is simple, personal, and a sure fire hit.
--Make a CD. Have your son help select the songs. (I know, I know, everyone uses Itunes nowadays, but this will expand his music library in a personal and creative manner.)
--Purchase a modest gift card. ITunes, a bookstore, or coffee shop would be appropriate.
--Call a local deli or pizzeria and have lunch delivered to the teacher during the school day, or make him a nice lunch and send it with your son. (Think tomato, basil and mozzarella, smoked turkey and boursin, chicken salad, a container of homemade soup or pasta--not PB&J).

If none of these appeals to you, a heartfelt note explaining how much his support meant to you and your family is always a good choice, and often means more than material goods.

SG

Speaking of camp...love this old classic:

Namely, It's a Problem

2011-03-28T07:00:00.001-04:00

For you regular and loyal readers, this post may appear familiar; it is. You saw it here a few months ago--but I was asked to discuss this very topic today on the radio, (listen live at 9:10am or later when I post the clip). Since it was on topic, it seemed timely to share it again. New stuff soon!

Dear Social Grace:

I am terrible with names. Most people who don't remember names don't pay attention or don't care--honestly, this is not me. I am not a thoughtless person--I remember birthdays, return phone calls, send condolence notes and congratulations cards when warranted and genuinely care about my inner and outer circles of friends. But I have a mental block about names. I am also anxious about it, which makes it worse. I have tried mnemonics, rhymes, and every other trick out there. I live in fear that I will erroneously call my biggest client's assistant Jane (or is it Joan?) the wrong name and never get another call put through. Any suggestions?

Grace Says:

I happen to be married to someone who is not great with names and I have several suggestions for you....all are proven strategies and I can personally vouch for their efficacy.

1. Introduce yourself, even if you should know the person's name. In this situation, most people will provide their names. After they give it up, you can say, "It's great to see you again, Fred. I wasn't sure whether you would remember me." This flatters Fred, implying that he might not remember insignificant little old you but he left quite an impression--even if it is patently false. Graces never underestimate the value if a Little White Lie when navigating through awkward social waters.

2. Use the Buddy System, Part I. Identify a go-to person who is great with names. Ideally, this person is someone who is around you a lot, is reliable, discreet, and not a practical joker. (While he might think it hilarious to have you calling your boss's wife Fredericka when her name is Ann, the long term ramifications for you could be dire, or at least humiliating.) Have a signal of some sort--elbow to the ribs, wink, pursing of lips--which lets him/her know that you are floundering and gives the clue to broadcast a name STAT. This broadcast should not be an introduction unless you are on the initial approach. If you are mid-convo, a simple, "Sue, that is too funny/fascinating/wonderful/repulsive" does the trick.

3. Use the Buddy System, Part II. Introduce your date/partner/friend without giving the other person's name which you can't recall. Say to What's-her-name, "Have you met Alice?" As Alice shakes hands with What's-His-Name, she can say, "Sorry, I didn't catch your name?" or "Great to meet you....." leaving a meaningful and questioning pause which will force the name to be coughed up. Best to brief Alice on this strategy ahead of time so she knows to play along.

Finally, you can try the truth. It appears that you tend to remember the person, but not the name, which makes it manageable. You can simply say, "I apologize; I am terrible with names. I know we met at the neighborhood potluck and you play tennis at Oak Lawn Club, but I am drawing a blank. My name is Grace, by the way." This demonstrates that you truly do recall the person, which softens the blow, and gives him the chance to cough up "Bill" without being too offended.

Here's the Ting Ting's take on the Name Problem....

Vamos la playa!

2011-03-20T07:00:00.002-04:00

Well, Graces, this snowbird is off to Mexico to quaff some margaritas, soak up some sun, see some Mayan ruins, and return refreshed, with lots of new material.

Adios!

Work Party: To Bring or Not To Bring a Date

2011-03-18T07:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Grace:

I recently started clerking at a law firm with the hopes of translating this into a permanent position. I have been invited to the annual firm soiree. Can I bring my boyfriend? He doesn't quite fit in the "corporate mold", but he is my beloved and I want him there with me to meet my new colleagues and keep me company. Please advise.

Grace Says:

First and foremost, ascertain that you are invited with a guest before you make any plans. Crashing the party, regardless of his charming manners, witty reparte and becoming attire would be a colossal gaffe.

As far as the "non corporate mold" situation....Well, Graces are all for personal style and freedom of expression, but these habits must be tempered by appropriate dress and conduct for the occasion. Scarlett O'Hara aside, you wouldn't go horseback riding in a ball gown, would you? Apply this rule to the corporate setting. If your BF can't doff his Goth Garb and comb his hair for an evening in the interests of your professional advancement, then maybe he should stay home, pop some corn, and have a steaming cup of cocoa and a loving embrace waiting for you when you arrive. No problem, just not his thing. Unless, of course, it is a problem.

If your date looks more like this:

Than this:

then fitting him into the law firm mold is going to be a constant challenge. But my guess is that your Grant, like most, fits somewhere in between these two.

If you must attend a firm function with a date and it must be him, request that he don an appropriate ensemble, walk the walk and talk the talk--it won't permanently scar him, I promise. (You will most certainly owe him a favor, and I'm sure he'll think of something.....) Fairly or not, the Human Resource Department is looking for insight into you, and the company you keep provides a lot of information.

Know this, my dear Grace: If this is an issue for the two of you, it is not likely to disappear. You may want to rethink the whole relationship if he won't make some small, temporary concessions in the interests of your future prospects, and he may want to rethink the whole relationship if he will be placed in uncomfortable situations on account of your goals and aspirations.

In a perfect world, everyone would be open minded and tolerant. People would be judged on their personalities and actions as opposed to the bull rings protruding from their noses or their inability to make polite small talk. But we live in the real world and I must advise you based on the way it is. And truthfully, Graces, I don't want to see track suits, muscle Ts or disfiguring facial 'adornments' at my dinner parties. So spread the word: look in the mirror, scan your date and get it right.

Gracious Retrieval, or Gimme Back My Stuff!

2011-03-15T16:07:00.005-04:00

Dear Grace:

I lent a pair of peau de soie sandals to a friend in need several months ago and she has yet to return them. She has mentioned in passing once or twice that she should drop them off, but when I try to pin her down, she suddenly becomes very busy and scattered. How do I get them back without creating an unpleasant exchange? Spring is coming and I need these shoes for 2 weddings!

Dear Reader,

No beating around the bush on this one. Call this moocher and say, "Suzanne, I'm going to a wedding in a few weeks and I plan to wear the sandals I lent you. I want to try them with the dress and organize the outfit this weekend, so I need them back. Will you be home Saturday morning so I can come by and get them?" Or, "Frida, I know you mentioned dropping my sandals off awhile ago, but with winter in full swing, who is thinking of sandals? I'm sure you forgot, as did I, but I'd like to get them back for an upcoming event. I'll be home Tuesday and Wednesday after work; will you be able to come by with them?" If these fail, identify a time when you are certain she will be home and drop in: Knock-knock. "Hi Kathy, I was in the neighborhood getting a pedicure which reminded me of sandals, and that reminded me of the ones you borrowed so I figured I may as well save you the trouble of bringing them back to me.....Hand 'em over, you shoe-napper" (last phrase optional),

After this, don't lend her any more of your merchandise.

Good luck with the search and rescue!

Speaking of shoes....

Declining Graciously, or Not

2011-03-10T16:56:00.007-05:00

So here's something that really chipped my polish this week. Tuesday was Mardi Gras, so naturally I made a Cajun feast featuring Jambalaya. I doubled the recipe, which made enough to feed a significant percentage the population of New Orleans. Needless to say, I was keen to share. I sent some to my neighbor, to my children's teachers, and my Grantly hub took some to work. He offered one of the secretaries a generous tub and she said, "I just started a diet and I'm not eating carbs." Then she gave it to another staffer. Grantly hub was justifiably offended, and as is his want, he wondered....

What's a Grant To Do?

In response to his urgent email I replied:

Nothing.

But the person who really ought to be asking the question is carb-free secretary. Now, I'm not saying she ought to have ingested the stuff, delicious though it was if it conflicted with her (doubtless already broken) diet. Rather, I am saying that, like everything, there is a way Graces handle such scenarios, but this gal headed straight to Grunt City.

She could have done any of the following and remained in Graceland:

Say thank you, no elaboration needed.
Lie, "It was delicious, thanks so much. Good thing my no-carb diet starts tomorrow." Note adroitness of final comment; it prevents future carb-rich offerings.
Say, "Wow, thanks! I'll be taking this home to share with my husband/mailman/fortune teller/pug's masseuse. How nice of you to think of me." Whether she eats it, gives it away, or chucks it in the bin, we are none the wiser and it conveys appreciation for the generous gesture.
Tell a version of the truth. "It was incredibly nice of you to bring me this delicious food. I have just started a diet which forbids carbohydrates but I had to taste this. I picked out the meats, had a few tastes of the yummy rice and shared the rest with my skinny friend." Graces avoid discussing diets outside of the physician's or nutritionist's office, but some people can't help themselves.

Speaking of Graceland....

Ill-Timed Birthday Gift

2011-03-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Grace,
I have a wonderful, thoughtful, generous friend. We have been friends for almost ten years, and we are friends on Facebook. This friend sent me a gift, wrapped in happy birthday paper, with a note saying "happy birthday," but, as my Facebook friend and accountant, she has access to all sorts of documentation that we share the same zodiac symbol, in the balmy days of summer. As we are shivering our way through the last days of winter, I must write her a thank you note for the thoughtful gift postmarked in the shortest month of the year. How does one politely thank someone who gave a gift intended for your birthday that was either given six months too early or six months too late?

With many thanks,
Gemini

Dear Gemini,

I had to pause for a giggle before responding; this is really quite amusing!

But, as to your question: a present is a present is a present. Whether she is early or late, she still did something really nice for you. I am, of course, assuming she got you an actual gift, not one of those insults in a box (wrinkle cream, vouchers to the gym, calorie counter, self-help book on how to find an appropriate mate in 3 simple steps). Based on your note, that does not seem to be the case, so......You will write the note as you would any other thank you--but de-emphasize the bday element:

Dear Wanda,
You were so sweet to think of me. I just love the scented candle and bubble bath--the lemon grass aroma is intoxicating and I am really enjoying the indulgence of long, leisurely bubble baths in candlelit bliss, courtesy of you.

Thank you for your very thoughtful and generous gift. Please forgive me if this is watermarked; I've been spending a lot of time in the tub lately.
Best,
Gemini

If she does clue in next July and express embarrassment, simply say, "you got me a half-birthday gift--which was a wonderful surprise. It extended my celebration." and laugh it off good naturedly. If she never mentions it, you do the same.

As always, keep up the good Grace and thanks for writing,
SG

Here's another chuckle worthy take on birthdays:

More on Moblies

2011-03-04T15:30:00.001-05:00

Wednesday's post kind of opened the floodgates. I guess all of us Graces are fed up with the rudeness of tech users. One of my favorite Grants even sent me this picture:

I know it's dark, but it makes the point. My poor friend was out to dinner, unfortunately seated next to this rube who spent 45 minutes conversing loudly about nothing. While playing with his laptop. He's lucky that all that was snapped was his picture.

So, let's review. Here is a list of public places where people are congregating that are ok to have a loud, long, personal cell phone conversation:

Nowhere
Nowhere
Nowhere
Nowhere

What you have to say might well be important to you, but unless you're calling 911 with a genuine report that the sky is falling, what you have to say is both uninteresting and intrusive to the people around you. If you need to have a long chat with your broker, your mother, your soothsayer and can't wait until you're in your own home, find a quiet place away from people trying to do business, dine, enjoy the fresh air or, God forbid, have a conversation with another person who is actually present. So let's try again.

Places where it's okay to have brief, quiet cell phone convo:

-In transit. But be mindful of the people around you. Watch where you're walking; don't become an obstacle as well as a noise nuisance. If you are on a train or bus, be brief and quiet, making sure your voice is no louder than it would be if you were telling the person next to you exactly where you found the hidden treasure of a store that offers free mochaccinos and foot massage while you peruse video iPods for 50% below retail. Hello, minimal necessary info, goodbye. If you're in your car, pull over. No matter how capable you think you are, statistics unequivocally show that your response time is much slower when you're on the phone. It's illegal to talk/text and drive in many places, and there is new technology coming out to disable cell phones in moving cars. I personally know at least one person who received a costly ticket for this infraction. Even thought I like the person, I was glad to see this law being enforced.

-While shopping. Never if you're in line. For anything. (Except perhaps the DMV where, no matter what, you will be in line for two hours. Dante had nothing on the DMV.) You know it: there's nothing worse than being stuck in line at the supermarket with someone who's gabbing away. Like the car, no matter how coordinated you think you are, there's no quick and graceful way to unload a grocery cart or fish out a credit card while talking on the phone. It holds up the line and is just plain rude to the cashier. And, again, be mindful of the space you're taking up, both physically and noise-wise. The woman behind you wants to be able to reach the glove display, too, and she does not want to hear the details of your recent bikini wax.

No one ever, ever wants to hear the details of your recent bikini wax.

Places where it is not okay. Ever.

-Theaters. Do I even need to explain why?

-Business meetings. Ditto.

-Lectures, presentations, memorials, anywhere you have gone to listen to what someone else has to say. Because, unless they ask, what you have to say here, especially to someone not here, is completely unimportant.

-Hospitals and other medical facilities. First of all, many such places have equipment which can be compromised by cell phone use. Okay, so I'm not sure I entirely believe that either, but do you really want to take the chance that your call to book a manicure might cause a blip in someone's MRI? Secondly, medical facilities are, by nature, stressful places for many people. Don't make it worse by gabbing.

If you absolutely must be communicado (and I'm a mom; I understand) put the phone on vibrate and tuck it into your pocket or lap. It will be available and as discreet as a telephone can be. When it summons you, enjoy the little tickle, then politely excuse yourself and take the call where no one will be bothered by it.

Loved this commercial illustrating this societal scourge:

The Unmannerly Mobile

2011-03-02T07:00:00.001-05:00

Reuters reports that a study conducted by Intel concluded that inappropriate use of mobile technology is getting worse. I find it astonishing that anyone would need to conduct a study to conclude this rather obvious fact, given the epic proportions of techno-rudeness that pervade our ever more plugged in world. But the question for us, as always, is:

What's a Grace to do?

-Move. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is change your seat or treadmill.

-Tattle. I know, I know, we're taught not to. But there are times when you just don't want a confrontation, or anticipate a dramatic, unpleasant response. Go quietly to the traffic cop, gym manager, maitre d', or whoever is nominally in charge and ask them to intervene.

-A polite, "Excuse me. I hate to interrupt you, but I was wondering if you could speak a little more quietly/somewhere else. I know your conversation is important, but I'm having a hard time hearing/concentrating." Usually that does the trick. A tad disingenuous, yes, but disiningenuity has won wars.

Nothing is foolproof, but these can be effective and are certainly worth a try.

Adam Lambert, formerly of American Idol had an effective way to combat this scourge, too. Next time I am performing a pop concert to a packed house, I just may give it a try.

Dress Code Decryption

2011-03-01T12:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Grace:
I have become flummoxed of late by some recent invitations. The dress codes invoke some sort of jargon that I don't speak and I am fearful of showing up inappropriately attired. I received two printed invitations phrased as follows:
For a 30th birthday party: "not cocktail, but smart".
For a wedding rehearsal dinner: "evening casual".
Translations, please?

Grace Says:

Oh, dear. You are wondering whether to go for "I'd like to thank the Academy...."

Or, "I just cut the grass...."

What you want is something in between. We'll get to that in a moment.

As to the invitation....there are some things that benefit from creativity. Art. Music. Food. Decor. Gift giving (to a point). Fashion. Party Planning. But dress code wording does not. Hosts need to use clear, unambiguous language when it comes to directing guests how to dress.

Yes, it is nice to use the traditional terms--but in many cases they have lost their meaning. "Informal", which which used to convey not-black-tie-but-dressy, is liable to result in guests arriving in gym clothes. This link provides an excellent summary and decoding of the terminology on this thorny topic.

Personally, I love the term "tidy casual", which is commonly used in Australia to describe the attire appropriate at a vast majority of restaurants. I may try to spread it here.

As to the cryptic phrasing you received....both the birthday party and the rehearsal dinner are festive occasions, and clearly both hosts want guests to arrive in something other than Yogawear. Ladies, don dresses, skirts or nice pants. I wouldn't do it--I always dress 'up' not 'down'--but you can get away with jeans if they are dark wash, not ripped (even if the rips are part of the fashion statement), and you pair them with heels and a dressy top. Gents, wear pressed pants, a collared shirt and/or jacket (no tie required).

Do We Have To Go?

2011-02-23T07:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Grace,
We have a standing tradition to visit friends in another city every spring. The last few years have been rather strained. They have not planned any outings or activities, and when we suggest something they are usually opposed. We have been friends since childhood, but these visits are making it hard to maintain the friendship. We don't expect them to treat us--in fact, we would like to take them out since they are putting us up at their place, but any restaurant we suggest is "no dice." Ditto movies, museums, and other ideas.

We end up bored out of our minds for 48 hours, resentful that we've spent the money and energy to make the trip, and exhausted upon our return home from the strain of it all. I'm starting to dread spring.

Grace Says:

Given the description of the previous years, I can't imagine why you'd sign up again, but I understand that these long standing obligations can be complicated. That said, you are certainly well within your rights (and Graciousness) to back out this year. You don't have to be completely honest; avoid telling them that your last visit felt like the longest weekend of your life, longer even than the one during which you contracted food poisoning from bad oysters and suffered the consequences for two full days, even if it is absolutely true.

Little white lies are important tools in these awkward situations. Simply say, "we aren't going to be able to make the trip this year." If you must elaborate, plead pressures of work, overbooked weekends, family obligations, or nothing at all.

If you want to give it another shot, my first suggestion is to do some advance research on the goings on in your friends' town. Well in advance of your scheduled visit, like now, contact your hosts and say, "One of our fave bands has a show at a venue near your house! We have been dying to see them live for ages. We would love to get four tickets and take everyone as our treat. What do you think?" If they decline, say, "Well, Grace and I really want to go; we are going to get tix to the show and we'll treat you to dinner before/drinks afterward. This band hasn't played in our town in years and we really want to hear them."

If you know they are not music buffs, choose something that might interest them more--a golf course that you are eager to try, an art exhibit that is on display a a local gallery, a hiking trail that you read about, competitive eating tournament, or slug race. Pitch it strong.

If they are truly homebodies, or perhaps finances are a concern, suggest something that is more in their budget/comfort zone but still fun for you. "We just love Indian food and I read there is a good take out near your house. How 'bout we order some curry and watch 'Slumdog Millionaire'?" Or, "I have a great new recipe for mac and cheese. I'd love to make a batch for dinner on Saturday night and play Scrabble. How does that sound to you?"

If you meet with utter opposition to any and all ideas, you may want to rethink this annual pilgrimage.

Good luck!

When Friends Break Up.....

2011-02-21T07:00:00.001-05:00

When friends go through breakups--whether they be from a summer fling or a 10 year marriage, we are navigating rocky terrain. No one wants to see a friend in pain. And after a point, no one wants to hear lamentations about how beautiful their children would have been had they remained together and bred, how she was his one true love, how she can't bear to consider life without him. I mean, sympathy for a broken-hearted friend is one thing, but months of maudlin moping is quite another.

In situations like these, it is quite tempting to trash the other party. You have observed, either up close or from afar, the pain he/she has inflicted on your pal. You can see that your pal is suffering. Your duty as a friend is to provide a sympathetic ear, offer chocolate and/or ice cream, pour drinks and give reassurance that your pal will not shrivel up old and alone and be discovered long dead by a meter reader. It is not your duty to trash the other party. I realize it is on the tip of your tongue to say things like:

--"I've always hated her. She's never been nice to you, even in the beginning when all girlfriends are on their best behavior."

--"Of course you are doing the right thing. Short of having a lobotomy, there is nothing he can do that will change him for the better."

--"Even if the survival of the human species depending on a reunion between the two of you, you should think long and hard before teaming up with that beast."

In the near term, these feel good, and may make your despondent friend feel marginally better. But there may be long term consequences. Consider:

--Your friend is down and out. Will it do him/her any good to learn that you thought the relationship was a mistake all along? There's nothing like an "I told you so"-even an unspoken, unintended one--to make someone feel rotten. They're already feeling low, so don't make it worse by inflicting self doubt about their judgment.

--There's always a chance that they will reconcile. Then you are the odd man out who called the bf all those terrible (though probably justified) names. Your friend is now in the horrible position of knowing that you hate her bf, that you think she is foolish to take him back, and wondering how you will manage to be in the same room with him going forward.

--She might even feel inclined to share your sentiments with him. This could be a misguided demonstration of her staunch, undivided loyalty to him in an attempt to solidify the reunion: "Grace called you an arrogant, bullying blowhard, but I defended you!". Or a weapon to use against him in a heated argument: "Grace always hated you--she called it way back when that you were a #%@&*!" Either way, you're in a bad spot.

--When the inevitable next breakup occurs, she may be wary of seeking your support, knowing that you disapproved of the reunion. And that's when friends are needed most.

--Phrases like "There are lots of fish in the sea" and "You need to move on" fall on deaf ears to broken hearts. Let them mourn the relationship--and do your part (the ice cream, the sympathetic ear--see above) to help ease the pain.

So steer clear of the assessments and advice. Stock up on the necessary comfort items--but don't overdose--if the poor sad friend gains 20 lbs from overindulging in Ben & Jerry's her chances of future romantic success may decrease.

Who Pays?

2011-02-17T07:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Grace,
I was recently invited to lunch with a business contact. I called her since I was going to be near her office and suggested meeting for coffee. She responded, "Can you make it a bit earlier so I can take you to lunch?". Those were her exact words, so I assumed that she was treating (was I correct?). We ate, and when the server left the check on the table, my companion ignored it. She did not reach for it, or indicate that she was even aware of its existence, but just kept on with her conversation. I was uncomfortable--and after what seemed like ages--coffee drunk, server having asked twice if we needed anything else, and once if the bill was ready, I reached for my wallet. At that point, my "host" said, "No, lunch is on me." and picked up the tab. All's well that ends well, I guess, but I felt really awkward. What do you think of this scenario and how do I avoid it in the future?

Grace says:

Ah, the bill. It certainly can be a landmine.

I'll tackle your questions in order: First, yes, you were correct in assuming that "take you to lunch" implies that the speaker is paying. It is not an offer to shuttle you to a deli but rather to cover the cost of both of your meals. Conversely, if the quote was "let's meet for lunch" "get together for lunch" or "have lunch" then the presumption is that you will split the bill. If, however, the bill arrives and your companion insists on treating, then it is Gracious to let her. (This assumes no underlying complications, like the companion is a compulsive spender, or she is trying to butter you up so you will lend her your Prada shoes, and also assumes that a prompt and sincere thank you and reciprocation will be implemented pronto.)

Secondly, what I think of the scenario is....to quote you (and Shakespeare) "all's well that ends well." Maybe the speaker is incapable of multi-tasking and your conversation was so engrossing that she couldn't focus on anything else. Maybe she was raised with a ban on transactions during mealtime and forbidden to conduct commerce until the meal and its accompanying social interaction was concluded. Maybe she wanted to make you sweat a bit. But ultimately, she did the right thing.

Finally, in terms of future prevention you have a few options:

Wait it out. While you suffered some awkwardness in this situation, ultimately you are no worse for the wear. Admittedly, though, as lunch becomes afternoon tea, you may want to take steps to expedite the payment and curtail your discomfort around it.
If so, reach for the check when it arrives. This will certainly clarify things. Do note, however, that if you pick it up, you might be stuck with it. You may wish to comment, "Shall we split this?" as you reach to prevent a chunk of your cash being dropped on the table.
By far the most Gracious conduct is for the person who issued the invite and therefore is expected to pay to reach for the check and slide it towards her as soon as it arrives. Even if she has no intention of sorting it out at that very moment, it conveys to the other diners that she will be paying and prevents the confusion and discomfort that you suffered.

Check this clip, poor guy got snookered into paying......again.

Facebook, Again

2011-02-15T07:00:00.002-05:00

Facebook, on balance, I guess, is a good thing. It helps us keep in touch with friends and family near and distant. It is great for tracking down classmates or other farflung groups for reunions and events. But like all swords, it is double edged. I have discussed this lively topic before--here, and here. I've even talked about it on tv. But recent events have prompted me to revisit this can of digital worms.

On Sunday, I happened to open my FB page and was greeted by the following status post from my babysitter: "Heading out to do my court-mandated community service. Litter on the highway, here I come!". Needless to say, I was rather curious and desirous of further particulars. This lovely, responsible, and thoroughly pleasant young woman frequently drives my kids around in my car, often uses my credit card for household purchases, and has my house keys and alarm codes. Her revelation of criminal conduct was rather worrisome.

Hubby and I discussed what possible crimes she might have committed, finding it hard to visualize this wholesome and likeable gal doing dastardly deeds. We tried to decide which, if any form of malfeasance required her swift termination--embezzlement? drug-dealing? over-familiarity with a goat? Dark, disastrous visions reeled. We planned to have a serious face to face discussion with her the following day when she reported to work. Within minutes, we knew this was impossible; we were not even sure we wanted her to report given her potentially felonious status and knew that we would be up all night fretting about it. So I called her. No response. Texted her: "Why are you doing community service?". She called back immediately, somewhere between sheepish and amused: "It was a joke. I left my FB page logged into my sister's computer by accident, and she was annoyed so she posted the community service thing to get back at me. Sorry you were worried."

So apparently, this has become the new 'gotcha'--a cyber-wedgie, if you will. Woe to thee who has the ill luck or bad memory to neglect to log out. Adulterous affairs, membership in the Justin Beiber fan club, or owning the complete vintage Dungeons and Dragons game collection may well be posted as your status without your knowledge.

Now, Graces are all for good clean fun, the occasional practical joke, even those of dubious taste if they are funny enough. But posting a fake criminal record? Graceless at best, villainous and vicious at worst. Remember, folks, FB is forever. It's admissible in a court of law, it can be used by potential employers to screen candidates, and schools may check personal pages to decide whether to accept applicants as members of an incoming class. I don't like this whole idea of posting false information as the new 'punk'd' fad, but if you must do so, choose something silly, amusing, and harmless. Don't go for the serious, reputation damaging slander that caused momentary havoc in my household this week.

So, safety first, Graces. Always log out. Better yet, don't use another's computer for your FB check ins--particularly if the owner has the bad taste and ill-will to portray you in ways that compromise you in in public. As Iago said, 'He who steals my purse steals trash....but he who filches me of my good name.....makes me poor indeed." Don't let this happen to you!

And in terms of the slanderous scenario described above, well, with sisters like that, who needs....well, never mind.

Speaking of convicts, check out this riotous clip from the days of yore....Elvis makes jail look downright fun.

Here Comes Valentine's Day

2011-02-12T10:57:00.006-05:00

Few people are indifferent to Valentine's Day. I have friends who plan it for months--the hearts, the flowers, the reservation, the lingerie, the seduction. Others adamantly refuse to celebrate it at all, declaring it a Hallmark Holiday. Some even consider V-Day contrary to true love, believing that you should be romantic all year long, not just on February 14. (Of course, that cohort was a group of guys who were notoriously cheap and skilled at spin, so their credibility is suspect even if the argument has merit....)

I recently read that February 13 has become one of the busiest nights for restaurants. If this doesn't kill the romantic spirit, nothing will: Cheating spouses go out with their extracurricular activity that night, saving V-Day for their husbands or wives. Ick.

But adulterers aside....In order to navigate this potential minefield with minimal casualties, I offer you some Valentine Guidelines.....

1. Gentlemen: Don't give a ring unless it is THE RING. Do not even give a gift in a box of a size and diminsion that could potentially contain a ring unless it is THE RING. No amount of smooth talk, backrubbing or chick flick attendance can restore the mood after she expectantly opens a small square box and finds a chocolate truffle, guitar pick, or ITunes gift card.

2. Know Your Valentine. I once saw a gentleman fill a Godiva box with sushi for Valentine's Day. He actually dumped the chocolates in the trash (whether I pulled a George Costanza and dug some out is really no one's concern) and gave the box to the sushi chef to fill with unagi, ebi, and maguro. I hope the love of his life was happy when she opened the box. If that had been me, (and I eat sushi at least once a week with pleasure and gusto) my Valentine would have made a colassal boo-boo. So think about your significant other before you buy tickets/make a reservation/arrange a hike and picnic. If he or she is a homebody, don't plan a party. If your valentine loves rom-coms and you don't, she'll be thrilled when you offer to take her to see No Strings Attached and don't require a future commitment to see The Mechanic in return.

3. Know Your Valentine, Part II. If he/she is not the romantic type and never has been, don't expect a sudden influx of roses, truffles and heartfelt verses expressing his/her eternal devotion to you in iambic pentameter. Either let it go or summon up the trimmings for the both of you: "Honey, Saturday is Valentine's Day. I'd really like to have a special evening with you." Plan the dinner/drinks/ movie/bubble bath and make sure s/he is on board. Who knows, s/he might even show up with some overpriced roses or at least a mushy card. But if s/he doesn't, and this is catastrophic for you, you may want to reconsider your choice of Valentine. (Or, s/he may do it for you; no one likes histrionics over what they think is silly.)

4. In the quest for good, cheap and quick Valentine gifts, you can generally only have two of the three. I know, this adage normally applies to the building trade, but it is equally apt for Valentine's gifts. Quick and good is easy, but not cheap. Head to the jewelers, his/her fave boutique, spa, gourmet shop or liquor store and prepare to pony up. If you want good and cheap, you will not get quick (at least not without the help of Grace, see below). This duo usually involves some long-term planning and/or something you make yourself. If you want quick and cheap, it probably won't be very good--no one really wants one of those grab and go stuffed animals or kitchy statuettes. And cheap chocolate ranks right up there with pleated pants on my Things That Should Not Exist List.

As promised, here are some Gracious suggestions for Valentine's gifts, whatever your budget.....

--Personal Coupon Book. These can be as naughty/nice as you like, or a combination thereof. For the naughty you will have to use your imagination; what happens in the bedroom (or living room, kitchen table, backseat, jacuzzi.....) stays there. Graces do not share details. For the nice, offer vouchers for tedious errands, cooking dinner, backrubs, laundry, bearer's choice groan-free movie rental, "get out of 'X' free" (fill in abhorrent social obligation).
--Burn a CD with all of your Valentine's favorite songs (or songs that are meaningful to the two of you--the first song you danced to, the song that was playing when you met, the first argument you had over song lyrics, etc.)
--Make a Valentine's Day Dinner for the two of you. This Romantic Menu Planner will help. If you don't cook, order takeout and have some sparkling wine.

---Jewelry. If you have been dating for more than 2 months, stay away from jewelry because of the dilemma described in #1 above. If you have been dating less than 2 months, stay away from jewelry because it's too soon to start bestowing such extravagant gifts. If you don't fit into either of these categories (i.e. everyone who is engaged, married, or in a relationship in which marriage is irrelevant) then jewelry is ideal. I am not a fan of hearts, but Elsa Peretti has some interesting designs that manage to avoid the preteen girl look. A more moderate but equally appealing choice: Janna Connor Designs. They are fun, stylish, and definitely appropriate for V-day. Not a heart person? Embrace the Valentine's Day color scheme. For the extravagant, consider a John Hardy red leather and sterling bracelet. Not so flush? Go with a more economical Kenneth Jay Lane Red or Pink Bamboo Bangle

---Spa. If you have the ability to send your beloved for a day of pampering at a grand spa, then by all means do so. If not, provide a home-grown version. Purchase some trial size lotions, bath salts, and oils. Accompany them with handwritten gift certificates for shoulder rubs, uninterrupted baths, and body massages. Who knows, the tip you get might be just the best V-Day gift there is.

--Fashion. On the high end, go for a red cashmere shawl. It's elegant, versatile, lightweight and warm as toast. Everytime she wraps it around her, she'll think of you. How romantic. Economical option: heart socks; they're fun, fanciful, very V-Day, and who doesn't run short of socks occasionally? Pair this with some foot cream and a foot massage and you've got a fabulous theme gift--a bit fetishy, but that's ok, it's V-Day after all.

Whatever you do, Graces, do it right. Despite being the shortest month, February can feel mighty long and cold if you blow it on the 14th.

What to Wear to Meet the Parents

2011-02-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Graces,
Help! I have been invited to dinner at the home of my beloved's parents. I have never met them before and I really want to make a great impression. I can see myself growing old with their son and would hate to jeopardize that with an ill chosen outfit. In short, what do I wear?

Grace Says:

Ain't love grand? First of all, enjoy that glow. If he is taking you home, the feeling must be mutual. Couldn't help but think of Ben Stiller when I read your question....

But let's face it, what you wear can be critical. Nothing will overcome the first impression that the beloved son and heir is paying you by the hour. Dressing to meet the parents can be more nerve-wracking than dressing for an interview. You want to dress to impress, but you want to avoid that shade of impressive that will make you the butt of family jokes for the next six Thanksgivings. It is a sartorial minefield. You want to look polished without screaming "This is Gucci. Admire me!". You want to look warm and friendly, but not so friendly that Dad keeps dropping his fork and Grandpa strokes out over the lobster bisque. You want to fit in, but you don't want to pretend to be someone you're not (although I rather suspect most of us have been on extra, extra good behavior in those early days with a new love).

I offer you an illustrative and cautionary anecdote: About 16 years ago, my cousin Logan brought his intended, a lovely girl named Renee, to a family gathering. The young lady worked for Ralph Lauren at the time. Unfortunately for Renee, who availed herself of the very latest fashion (not to mention her generous employee discount), she overdid it. This was the early 90s when Ralph made a brief and ill-advised foray into "school-girl chic".

Poor Renee embraced the look from head to toe: A micro-mini plaid skirt (strike 1) with a cleavage busting blouse (strike 2)and knee socks (strike 3). Finally, the high heeled mary janes (as if mattered, strike 4). Despite a 10-year marriage, 3 kids, hundreds of tasteful, attractive outfits, and a house in Bryn Mawr later, Renee is still known as "Fetish Girl" to our entire family.

But on to your question.....my advice, first and foremost on attire is to choose something that you are comfortable wearing. Not yoga comfortable, but something that won't require constant adjustment, tugging, and twisting throughout the visit, or frequent surveillance to ensure that it has not dipped below or hiked above the parts of you that you don't want to share with your bf's parents, at least not yet.

I am a skirt girl--this time of year with tights, boots, and a cashmere sweater. I am also and a big fan of anthropologie--they will doubtless have something fab.

If you are not a skirt girl, that's ok--pants work, even jeans, as long as they are not shredded, or so low that they barely clear your pelvic floor. Pair them with a crisp blouse--solid, or striped; (paisley prints are the devil's work). Or go with a sweater. Stay away from political tees, belly-baring tops, and anything with an off-color message: no matter how funny (or true) it may be.

Even if your bf is wearing sweats and proclaims authoritatively that his entire clan will be identically clad, ignore him. (Whatever he "thinks" his mother and sisters wear is wrong. Trust me. Nine out of ten times, the item of clothing a man attributes to his female family members will be the single item you do not want to replicate, like the plaid taffeta dress or the angora sweater with kittens on it.) When I traveled in Australia some time ago, I came across the term 'tidy casual' to describe the dress code at most restaurants. That is what you are after.

Wear undies that you can't see--neither thru the clothing nor above the waistband (no no no peekaboo thongs, ever). I was in the grocery store the other day and a young woman bent over to grab a box of Cheerios, exposing an undergarment that resembled nothing so much as a clothesline around her waist, and another bit of clothesline looped around it heading south. I was mystified, saw no point in the arrangement, and put it into the category of "views I could have done without."

Wear a bra. My mother-in-law still rants about an unfortunate girl her son (now my husband) brought home many years ago--"with her bosoms bobbing everywhere and more hairspray than a 1950s prom. I had to take a chisel to the bathroom vanity when she left." Poor girl. Well, it was the 80s.

Knock 'em dead. I hope they love you. Even more importantly, I hope you love them!

Another Shower Question

2011-02-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

Recent talk of showers seems to have turned on the faucet.....

Grace,
One of my friends, grateful that she didn't have to throw me a shower in advance of my wedding (they make me cringe and I avoid them whenever possible), was complaining to me about her BFF, who was being more than just Bridezilla at the time. They were of differing opinions about the type of gifts to be given at a shower, so, my question to you is: are gifts given at showers intended to be for the lady to use, or for the couple/baby to benefit from? For instance, if my friend wanted to give the bride a gift certificate for a spa for her use in advance of the big day, is that more or less appropriate than giving the bride-to-be something off of the couple's registry?

And, why are men not subjected to these events more frequently?

Many thanks!
K

Dear K,
As to why men are not subjected to these events more frequently, I imagine there are many theories. Like childbirth, mammograms, and showers, men do seem to have dodged several bullets. On the other hand, they have to shave daily, undergo prostate checks, and are generally less intelligent than we, so maybe it's not as skewed as we think.

But on to your question:

Traditionally, showers were designed to help the couple furnish a home, hence the practice of giving pots and pans, linens, and other household goods. These types of items are always a safe bet, particularly if they are off the registry. As a person who almost always sends regrets, I am delighted when I can simply go online, select an item off a registry and click 'send'.

These days, many showers have a theme--this would be indicated on the invite--things like "kitchen" or "indulgence" or "round the clock"--in which guests are assigned a time and are charged with buying a gift that corresponds with that hour, e.g. 7am: a coffee pot, midnight: lingerie, etc.. If the shower is set up with a specific theme, then guests should adhere to the hostess's format. But if it's left open-ended, tailor the gift to the bride. If she is a spa nut, then a GC for a massage is ideal. Throw in a a scented candle or jar of bath salts so she has something to open at the shower.

So the answer to your original question is, like many things, "It depends." If the bride, her family, and the wedding are all very traditional, then a household item off the gift registry is the safest route. If they are a bit offbeat, then choose your present accordingly.

Hope that helps!

As much as I gripe about showers and studiously avoid them, I guess there are worse possibilities than the jello salad-silly games-endless gift display variety. Just ask Norman Bates.

Because Nice Matters

2011-02-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

The other night at around 10pm I was rousted from viewing the The American by a frantic pounding on my front door. This was rather unnerving at that hour of the night, so off I went to investigate. Turns out it was the gas company; a leak had been reported on our block and they were urgently checking all the houses in the area. (Incidentally, despite George Clooney's presence, the movie was less than enjoyable. And, yes, this pic does actually come from the film, it is not a mere gratuitous display of GC's topless form.)

Fortunately, we were not in immediate danger, but the work crews spent the next 48 hours on my street probing the asphalt to find the problem, and then repairing it. Need I remind you that the temperature in this region hovered between 25-35 degrees, and some snow and freezing rain fell during the nights?

What's a Grace to do?

Well, of course, I made friends with the crew. First and foremost, I was grateful for their efforts on behalf of the safety of my home and those of my neighbors. Their toil in uncomfortable circumstance stood between us and disaster as far as I could tell. Since they were slogging it out in the frigid air, it seemed only decent to provide them with a warming drink. I made them some hot chocolate and delivered it to them right around the time that afternoon tea would be served in other environments. They were delighted.

They remained on the job well into the evening. As luck would have it, I had just made a vat of beef noodle soup, owing to the fact that my Grant of a hubby, who has taken to cooking on Sundays, made a rib roast that would have fed a high school football team and I needed to do something with the leftovers. As the dinner hour approached, and there seemed to be no end in sight for the gasmen, I ladeled out 6 mugs of soup, placed them on a tray, and shuttled them up the street for a curbside picnic. Again, the crewmen were delighted.

My husband then forbade me from feeding them any more, lest they begin to delay the repair on behalf of the catering. But my thinking was this--in addition to the sincere and genuine expression of gratitude for people doing a hard and dangerous job in the freezing cold, I am also a pragmatic Grace. If, the universe forbid, the pipe situation were to be come dangerous, who do you think the crew would rescue first, the neighbors who ignored them, complained to them, or fed them warm and delicious things throughout the afternoon? Exactly.

When they finished their soup, one of the chaps returned the mugs. I mentioned something about their attempt to finish the repair before the snow was expected to fall. The chap said, "You know, it doesn't really matter to me. I'm just glad to have a job." Well, Graces, I was truly humbled. And really, really glad that I had done right by these guys.

Why I Dislike Showers

2011-01-27T17:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday's question got me thinking about showers. The truth is that no one really looks forward to attending a shower. The reaction to a shower invitation ranges from grim resignation to abject horror.

It's not the concept of feting a woman on the brink of marriage or motherhood that I find horrific--in fact, that is a lovely idea. Good food and drink, convivial company, and generous gifts honoring a loved one on an important occasion--that's what Graces do. I just strenuously object to the format.

This stems not from religious beliefs, nor superstition, nor family tradition, merely the abhorrence of an event dedicated solely to opening gifts and showcasing them to everyone in attendance.

This gift ritual defies every facet of Grace--it requires guests to sit idle and bored, intermittently feign interest and elation at a stock pot, mix master, or toaster, endure the not very subtle gift competition, and cease all interaction with their fellow hostages for the duration of this torture. (I swear I was "shushed" at a shower once when I recklessly attempted conversation while the the bride-to-be waved her new dishtowels overhead for all to see.) In addition, the potential for sherbet punch, crepe paper decorations, gelatin-laced food, ridiculous games, and endless gift commentary looms large. Not to mention the sacrificial Saturday or Sunday we are asked to give up like an Aztec virgin atop a volcano.

My sisters and I have crafted an assembly-line strategy that we employ at our family's showers. It works well to reduce the hostage time (i.e. gift opening and display) to a minimum. We station ourselves, guerilla-troop style, around the guest of honor. We procure a pair of scissors to avoid fussing with all of those ribbons and paper, (thus preserving our manicures) paper and pen, and we move fast. One of us cuts and removes some of the wrapping, and passes the gift to the bride,who removes the gift from the box and holds it up; the second gift handler moves in quickly, secures the item, and puts it back in the box. This can be a tricky job and must be given to someone with fast hands and fortitude--they prevent passing the item around the room even if persnickety aunts demand it. The third commando catalogs each item with the name of the giver. We have gotten through 30 gifts in 10 minutes with this method.

It is not for the faint-hearted, and there could be some flak from the devotees of the old ways, but progress comes at a price.

Shower Guests

2011-01-26T11:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Grace,
Is it acceptable to invite people to a bridal shower who will not be included in the wedding? My future sister-in-law has two lists and I think they need to be fused.

Dear Sis,
You are correct. If you are invited to shower the expectation is that you are invited to the wedding. Exceptions exist, of course--if it is avery small or destination wedding that most friends/family won't attend,then it is conceivable that a shower invitees might not be on wedding list, but not for a traditional, medium-to-large wedding. It is also possible if the bride-to-be hails from somewhere far from where her wedding will be held that her extended hometown family might throw her a shower without expecting an invite to the big event.

Tell your future s-i-l to merge and cull the lists; it will save hurt feelings and miffed relatives down the road. Weddings are enough of a minefield without asking for trouble. Thanks for writing!

Since we're talking wedding, I'll share Glee's version of this momentous event. Just between us Graces, I have not jumped on the Glee-wagon, but I seem to be in the minority. Since that is the case, enjoy....

How to Handle Vacation Crashers

2011-01-26T07:00:00.004-05:00

Dear Grace,
We recently booked an all-inclusive spring break vacation. At a PTA meeting later that day, people were chatting about travel and I mentioned our upcoming trip. Today I learned that, as a result of my conversation, another family has booked the same trip, and I am not happy. We have rarely socialized w them, although we do overlap--the mom heads my boys' soccer league and we both volunteer at the school. Their older son has been unkind to my son several times, but the younger bro's are friends. Cut to the chase...She wants to meet for meals and book excursions. I want to have a family vacation without these people. But I don't want to offend them. Help???

Grace Says:

Oh, my that is an awkward situation. I had a similar challenge several years ago--I had recklessly become friends with a neighbor who had a child the same age as mine. You know how that happens, same schedule, glad of company, then you realize that you have nothing in common and you'd rather have an unanaesthetized root canal than spend one more minute with this chick.

Anyway, we were planning a family trip to FL and I ill-advisedly mentioned it. She said, "Oh, we've been dying to get away. Tell me where you are you staying so we can meet there!" I said, in what I thought was a relatively gentle way, "I think it would be best if we don't vacation together." She was deeply hurt and we were never really friends again. Of course, that suited me just fine. Graces don't want to be cruel, but we do want to escape from miserable social situations. In my case, I at least had the advantage of foreknowledge and was able to take preventive measures. You, poor dear, are stuck. To minimize exposure I recommend several tactics:

1. Contact the resort and request rooms, tables and any other communal accommodations away from this family.

2. Pre-arrange activities so that you and yours are busy and occupied so that there is less chance for interaction. (But make sure they are things you actually want to spend your vacation doing, not just filling up the day with shuffleboard tournaments and sushi classes to evade detection.)

3. Explain to this vacation-crashing mom that you are really looking to have a FAMILY vacation and plan to spend time as a family unit. It is nice that you will be at the same resort but you are really planning on a lot of quality time as a family. Offer up ONE evening to have dinner w/ them (or some other activity that you could endure w/o agony) but the rest of the time spend w/ just you and yours.

None of these is foolproof but worth a shot.

Good luck. Maybe they will all get sunburned and stay in their rooms the whole time. Or maybe they'll take an excursion tour and.......

What's Your Name?

2011-01-25T07:00:00.003-05:00

Yesterday's post got me thinking about name recognition and reminded me of a mortifying situation I landed in several years ago. Have you ever gotten someone's name wrong, and stuck with the erroneous handle for months without being corrected? For your sakes, Graces, I hope not; it is sheer hell. Here's the story....

We were in the habit of frequenting a local restaurant and generally had the same waiter. We became quite friendly with him over the year and realized too late that we did not know his name. Of course, he knew ours because of our reservation, which made it especially awkward. And the restaurant was small enough that it felt wrong to ask one of his coworkers.

One Friday evening, about 6 months into our love affair with this place, my sister joined us for dinner. I explained the waiter-name situation, and she immediately grasped my dilemma: "You're past the point," she said astutely, "but never fear, GraceSis is here! I'll introduce myself and get his name for you." Which she promptly did when she got up from the table and asked the whereabouts of the loo. She returned, bursting with intel. "Edgar," she said discreetly. Boy, were we relieved. We enjoyed regular Friday evenings at the establishment, and were taken good care of by our fave waiter "Edgar". We were relieved and delighted to be able to greet him by name and we did so with enthusiasm and courtesy, feeling, perhaps that we were making up for the first 6 months of "Hello, great to see you, nice to be back". All was well.

Fast forward to December. The restaurant had decorated for Christmas by hanging personalized stockings for each employee. I searched for Edgar's stocking, thinking that I might put something in it as a thank you for all of his good service throughout the year. Imagine my dismay when I found no "Edgar" stocking. I was pretty sure he celebrated Christmas, because he hailed from a Latin American country that is 99% Catholic. I knew he was still employed there because he was serving our table that very night. And then I saw it. Big as life: HECTOR.

The restaurant has since closed, we have not seen Hector in years, but I still wince at the boo boo. And it wasn't really Sis's fault; the place was lively and loud and "Hector" does sound like "Edgar" in the midst of a hundred festive voices.

Moral of story, like a band-aid or bikini wax, quicker is preferable. Tis far better to suffer a brief embarrassment early on than to endure deep, lasting humiliation later.

And speaking of brief embarrassment or lasting humiliation.....

Workin' 9 to 5

2011-01-20T14:45:00.004-05:00

Hi Graces,

Sorry I have been absent this week; started a consulting gig recently and am a bit overwhelmed.

Back soon with some goooood stories!

Zumba This, B$#@*!

2011-01-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

You know how much I love zumba, Graces. It is the one fitness activity that I have discovered that I genuinely look forward to. Most others I view as a sacrifice on the altar of thin. (or in my case, not thin exactly, but acceptably curvy.) So imagine my dismay when yesterday's class was ruined for me by some lollipop who thinks she's Beyonce.

In case you are not familiar with the term lollipop, it refers to a person who is abnormally thin from the neck down, giving the appearance that her head is overly large. There are swarms of them in Hollywood, think Victoria Beckam or Renee Zellweger:

but the species is far less common here Philadelphia. Cousin to the lollipop is the BOS (boobs on stilts) or TOS (slightly more vulgar version of same), with the curves having been tacked on by the marvels of modern medicine. But back to my Zumbic horror tale...

So, there I was, early for class, water bottle and towel in place, having staked out my fave spot toward the front. This is not for vanity or exhibitionism, rather to compensate for my bad vision. I don't like to wear glasses lest they fly off during a particularly energetic spin, so I need to stand fairly near the teacher. I am partial to this one spot up front because there is a pillar directly behind it, thus preventing anyone from stationing themselves right behind me. (I feel strongly about personal space; note to self: cover that topic in post next week.) Imagine my pique when the aforementioned lollipop arrived five minutes late (another Gracepeeve) to a rather full class and plunked herself directly behind me in the no-dance zone. Imagine my further pique when she inched slowly forward with each step, leaving me to choose between being slugged by her flying hands and feet or surrendering my coveted spot.

Well, Graces, you know what I did. I did what Graces always do, which is to compensate for the bad behavior of others. I moved over, telling myself that it was obviously very important for her self esteem to be front and center, availing herself of a full view of her gyrating hips and totally immobile artificial breasts. This forced me to encroach on my neighbor's spot, which troubled me greatly. I apologized to the encroach-ee after the class, explaining that I had been summarily shoved over and had no other option without starting a battle for territory.

So even though I took the higher ground, I had much less fun in Zumba yesterday. And I can't have that. Since Graces, like the Boy Scouts (minus the homophobia), always plan ahead, I am considering strategies on how to prevent a repeat offense next week:

1. Let it go. She really seems to need the attention, rude though she is in her quest for it, and based on her shape and its enhancements, I should pity rather than censure her.

2. Speak up (A). "I'm sure it was an accident last week, but you kept moving into my space and that forced me to move over several times during the class. Please try not to do that again. It makes it harder for me to follow the instructor and pushes me into other people. It's a crowded class so we all have to be mindful of our space so no one gets hurt. Thanks."

3. Speak up (B). "I know this class is popular and spots are first come first served. I arrive early to get this one so please don't move into it while I am standing here."

4. Speak up (C). "Yo, Black Swan! Take you, your microscopic ass and your fake boobs and step to the rear. I was here first, Dammit."

Class is Thursday, so stay tuned, Graces.

And a parting clip--I'm a total sucker for BritComs--we've all been here--in fitness class, kind of wishing you were somewhere else, paying no attention, and suffering humiliation when the entire group is on to crunches while you, oblivious, continue jumping jacks.

Gym Jams

2011-01-13T07:00:00.006-05:00

I know, I have been on about Grunts at the gym recently.

My Spinning class seems to be particularly problematic. Here is my latest horror tale: The cycling studio was jam-pack crowded; favorite teacher, new year's resolutions still intact, convenient time. Normally, I choose a bike near the wall so I only risk one annoying person sitting next to me but the pickings were slim due to the turnout and I was stuck in the center--the airline equivalent to a middle seat, alas. You won't believe this, but I ended up sitting next to Mr. Handshake--remember him--he of the sweaty palms from last week's class?

Anyway, as I made my preparations--water bottle stowed, towel arranged over the handle bars, bike adjusted to my dimensions--my friendly neighbor shared his spin-thusiasm. "Are you ready to go? Gonna hit it hard today! You up for it?" Needless to say, these remarks were not pleasing to me, but there was nowhere to go. I replied with the barest minimum of courtesy, "sure." and hoped that ended it.

Do I need to tell you, Graces, that my one syllable was construed as an invitation for Mr. Thinks-he's-Lance-Armstrong to appoint himself my personal spin coach for the duration of the class? Yup. For the entire 50 minutes I had a motivational speaker on my left: "Go, go. I'm pacing you. Follow my feet. You got it. Push it, you can do it. Sprint, sprint. Endurance. Your head limits your legs, don't let it! Mind over Matter" and other suchlike muscle-head phrases that essentially ruined the class for me. I couldn't hear the actual instructor, I couldn't really go at my own pace with this shouter to my left, and I felt heckled the whole time. (Ok, I'll admit, I probably got more out of the class and worked harder than I otherwise would have, but the irritation factor far surpassed any benefit.) If I'm there, that's enough for me--I don't have to break any records or impress my fellow soldiers fighting the battle of the bulge.

I know the following spoof is well, a spoof. But this dork is really not far off from my nightmarish spinning neighbor. Watch:

And while I am on the subject of fitness Grunts, can someone please tell me when people deemed it de rigeur to display their midsections at the gym? I don't want to look at my own "work in progress" abs let alone anyone else's. Yes, I'll admit, some people can carry it off--they are generally 19, spend all of their spare time (which, when you are 19, you have a lot of) working out, and they have ripped tummies. Good for them. I get it--if you've got 'em flaunt 'em, emphasize your assets, whatever. They are not really the ones I object to, although I am not in general a proponent of exposed belly skin. The ones I can't stand are the ones who, well, really shouldn't be sharing that view. No one wants to see your back fat or spare tire--especially when it's jiggling on the treadmill or stairmaster. Trust me.

Here are some guidelines on when it's ok to engage in mid section exposure:

1. If you are at a beach, pool, or jacuzzi and there is no muffin top involved.

2. If you are built like Victoria (or David) Beckham.

3. If you are in the privacy of your own home.

Aside from that, keep it covered, and be ready, Graces, to avert your eyes, should a violator enter your field of vision!

Om My God, Will You Please Shut Up?

2011-01-12T07:00:00.011-05:00

Yesterday's post about a Grunt at the gym opened the floodgates. I guess it's all those people who promised themselves on New Year's Eve that this would be the year they achieved total fitness. Here's one for you Yogic Graces.....

Dear Grace,

I attend a weekly Yoga class and recently there have been some new students who blab through the entire practice. It ruins the whole thing for me; I am there for both the physical and mental benefit and I leave feeling stressed out and angry as opposed to centered. What to do?

Grace Says:

Ah, the Yoga Resolution. Can't you just hear them at the New Year's Eve party, as they swill their apple martinis or Champ-ale: "Buffy, Trixie, Let's make like a NY Res and do like Yoga together! I am so not going alone, but I so think we should do it as a group. Jennifer Aniston does it and i wannabe her!"

But I digress. On to your question...

Tattle. It's that simple. You don't want to become the scolding Yogic schoolmarm, mid-Chataranga, shushing people as you flow. Discreetly let the instructor know that this is a problem--I find it curious that he/she hasn't noticed by now. The teacher should make an announcement about the need for peace and silence throughout the practice to afford maximum benefit to all. It might be worth a word to the facility's management as well; they could post a sign, conspicuously located, reminding participants to respect the Yoga space and maintain a quiet, contemplative atmosphere.

I found the following clip of a frustration scenario in Yoga class rather amusing. Make sure you address the problem of the Yoga yakkers before you get to this point. Thanks for writing and Namaste.

Hands to Yourself at the Gym

2011-01-11T08:00:00.010-05:00

These days it is harder and harder to motivate to keep fit. Every fiber in me is saying "Stay home where it's warm. Bake cookies. Eat the cookies. Make some hot chocolate. Sit on the couch and watch DVRs of Modern Family." This is not good advice and should be ignored. Aside from the obvious downside of widening the hips, lack of physical activity and natural light do not a healthy Grace make. So, I've been keeping up my regimen--regular visits to the gym with frequent of outdoor walks mixed in. Sadly, I have encountered some gruntish behavior among those similarly inclined toward fitness.

I'll start with today's Spin class. The instructor had begun to warm us up and asked if we were ready to go. Having been a teacher in a previous career, I know just how unnerving it is to toss a question at your class and receive utter silence--even if the question is slightly rhetorical. Although it was spinning and not 7th grade history, I still felt his pain, so I responded loudly and quite alone, "Yes!". This gave the chap sitting next to me the notion that I was there to mix, mingle and make the party go. He leaned over, extended his hand (which, by now, 5 minutes into class, was sweaty) and introduced himself. He continued to make slightly flirtatious, or at a minimum, overly friendly remarks for the next several minutes forcing me to both miss cues from the instructor and experience repulsion at his perspiring proximity.

What's a Grace To Do?

Well, I really only had one option. I shook his hand (inwardly cringing and making a strong mental note to apply anti-bacterial gel at the first opportunity), introduced myself, and ostentatiously faced dead ahead, focusing hard on the instructor. As my friendly neighbor's overtures continued, I looked for an opening to mention the fact that I was not on the market. Fortunately one came--when he mentioned that he taught spinning in the evening, I mentioned that I never exercise at night since I am home with my husband and children.

Full disclosure requires me to divulge that I was flattered, of course. And, really, the chap almost got it right. There's absolutely nothing wrong with meeting people at the gym. He strayed from the Grantly path when he extended his hand. When you are working out, physical contact--unless it comes from your personal trainer tweaking your bicep curl, your Yoga instructor's adjustment to your plank pose, or a paramedic administering CPR--is out.

Yes, folks, it's a minefield. Normally, a firm handshake is ingredient number 1 in the recipe for a sound introduction. But at the gym, where uncomfortably close proximity to sweating people is often unavoidable (on cardio machines or in popular classes, for example) it is essential to give personal space.

Seinfeld had a typically hilarious take on personal greetings, though he had a bone to pick with smooches, not handshakes--remember his objections to the "kiss hello" which culminated in an unexpected moment with Kramer?

But, most importantly, Graces, keep up the regimen--whatever it is. Winter can be tough on both the waistline and the mood. Too much pizza and not enough physical activity will be most regrettable when the sunny days return.

Inhuman Resources

2011-01-07T07:00:00.004-05:00

Grace D. applied for a job at a major telecommunications firm. She had several interviews and was optimistic that she would be hearing from them soon. She wrote thank you notes to the folks she met emphasizing her interest in the position. She waited a week. She sent a 'thank you again/still interested email". And waited some more. Still nothing. After several weeks, she called the HR person. HR person ignored call. Finally, after two months she got through. The HR person said,
"our headcounts have been altered." D was utterly mystified and assumed that she had been mistaken for someone else. She reiterated her identity, refreshing the HR crone's memory on the job application. The HR crone repeated "I know who you are. Our headcounts have been altered." Finally, D asked for a translation. HRC said, "The job was eliminated before it was ever filled."

Beware of corporate doublespeak jargonese.....

Graces would never behave this way.

If the HR person were a Grace, she would have responded to email and phone inquiries. Graces don't leave people hanging in any circumstance--and really, how long does it take to send a blast email to all the applicants informing them of the decision? Even the most Machiavellian Grace would do this. An HR person who treats applicants with respect and courtesy (even if you don't offer them a job) gains a good professional reputation. This leads to potential advancement for both you and your company.

Confused? Here's a little illustration--

After interacting with Grace the HR person, Rejected Applicant said:
"Unfortunately I didn't get the job, but the HR person was really responsive and at least let me know when the decision was made. I appreciated that."

After interacting with Grunt the HR person, Rejected Applicant said:
"Unfortunately, I didn't get the job, but the HR person was so rude and incompetent I'm not sure I would have wanted to work there anyway. She never returned my calls or emails and I had to find out 2 months later by practically stalking her that the position had been eliminated."

If only Graces ran the world.....

It's an Epidemic

2011-01-06T07:00:00.008-05:00

Yesterday's post on people's rudeness in ignoring messages and emails prompted several Graces to share their horror tales in this realm.....

Grace J., artist extraordinaire, contracted with a gallery in another city to sell her work. The director did not display J.'s paintings, and did not plan an exhibit, nor did he seem to be doing much of anything on her behalf. She emailed him several times over a month period asking for updates and offering to assist with the sales in any way he deemed appropriate. She finally learned that he had suggested her paintings to two of his regular clients. They both liked the art but declined to buy and he felt that his work at that point was done. J. disagreed and emailed to ask for a phone meeting to discuss next steps and alternative strategies.

Gallery Director ignored the request and never responded to her email. It really made her want to , well, scream.

Ultimately, J. broke up with this gallery and is now carried by a more proactive and productive group--to date they have sold three pieces for her.

When ignored thus, What's a Grace To Do?

Grace J got it right. Send periodic 'check in' emails with inquiries on status and decreasingly gentle nudges to get moving. In each of these, offer to assist in any way possible. If nothing productive transpires, examine seriously whether you want to continue your affiliation. Then examine seriously any contract you may have entered, and make sure you can escape. Consult a lawyer if necessary. Before you jump ship, however, consider the why.

If the gallery director is simply not interested in promoting your work, preferring instead to flog the flavor of the month white on white with invisible bicycle tire artist phenom, then cut and run. If, however, there are extenuating circ's, well, Graces don't burn bridges. Unless, of course, they are being crossed by your ex, who, while you spent a loyal and celibate 4 months on a consulting job in Romania, consoled himself in the arms and company of someone named 'Bunny'. But I digress.

Reasons to stick it out--or at least have a little patience:
--the majority of regular clients were heavily invested with Bernie Madoff, and the Gallery is actively seeking alternative markets.
--unforeseen personal difficulties (illness, bereavement, etc.) Graces don't dump someone because he had to attend to his mother's funeral arrangements.
--unforeseen logistical challenges (shipping woes, leaks in gallery roof, computer crash).

Reasons to seek greener pastures:

--failed to distribute your press release because manicure was not dry.
--bereavement occurred 5 years ago.
--logistical challenges are chronic and costly--leak destroyed inventory, computer bugs repeatedly infect your computer, shipping label sent framed watercolor to North Dakota (ND) instead of New York (NY) more than once.

When you do decide to sever ties, be honest but not brutal. I am a firm believer in "you never know". This chap could seem like the worst agent in the world right now, but five years from now he might be the toast of the town and in a position to help you. You don't have to resort to "it' not you, it's me"; go with a simple version of "we don't seem to be a good fit" or "I am going to explore other avenues". Send a thank you for his efforts on your behalf and move on.

I've said it before but it bears repeating: sometimes it's tough to be a Grace.

Speaking of the art world, I got a chuckle out of the following spoof. The images toward the end of the clip are quite amusing. Enjoy.

Get Back To Me Now!

2011-01-05T07:00:00.011-05:00

Why do people think it is okay to ignore emails and phone messages? Here's a nasty little tale of of this rude and ugly practice that I was unfortunate enough to suffer through recently...

Through no fault of my own, I was thrown into a dinner fivesome for a Saturday night out which I knew would be problematic. Two of the five (a couple) will never commit. They are the types who don't actively seek out babysitters, lament how hard it is to find reliable sitters, but when I offer to share some of my contacts they say things like, "Well, WE are very careful about who we leave with our children" or "We are not as comfortable as you are about leaving our children with strangers." (The implication being, of course, that I commit reckless endangerment at least once a week or hire monsters to mind my offspring. You can see why I did not relish the prospect of dinner with these toads--but you know how social obligations are.)

Anyway, I made a reservation for 5, fairly confident that the toads would not end up coming, but, as is the way of the Grace, prepared for the possibility. I emailed them Monday and said, "Got us a table for 5 at the fab new french bistro--they would like a confirmation on Thurs, so please let me know if you will be joining us."

Nada.

On Wed, I emailed; "Looking forward to Saturday night; must confirm count tomorrow. Let me know your plans."

Crickets.

Now, does it occur to anyone else that a table for 5 is significantly different for a restaurant from a 4, 3 or 2 top? Not these grunts, obviously. And does it occur to anyone else that I want to remain in good stead with the fab new french bistro so that when I call for a table henceforth, they will say, "Tres bien! Grace is coming. Set aside the best table in the house." Not, "Oh, this Grunt again. Hold the table by the loo; she'll be showing up 15 minutes late as a party of two when we've held prime real estate for five on Saturday Night." Or worse yet, "Sorry, we are fully committed."

Would you like to know when I finally heard back? Saturday afternoon. Not surprisingly, and to my enormous relief, they declined to join us. And we called the bistro immediately to release the large table, issued profuse apologies for the late notice, and had a delightful evening, toad-free.

But I would have much preferred to know this on Monday. If I had been dealing with Graces, I would have. They would have responded: "Thanks for making the arrangements, Grace. We are not likely to find child care for Saturday evening and we certainly don't want to leave you or the restaurant hanging, so count us out this time. Have a lovely evening, and hopefully we can take a rain check."

See how easy that was?

Just make sure you don't call too late, ala Larry David.....(Note: clip contains some R-rated language.)

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-04T07:00:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year, Graces.

No, this is not going to be my wish list for other peoples' resolutions. Tempting though it is to suggest things like...

1. "I resolve to hold the door for the person behind me."
2. "I will always rsvp by the requested date."
3. "I will make an effort to reciprocate invitations and favors."
4. "I will not issue 'friendly insults'" (like 'how liberating for you that you are not watching your weight' or 'it's great that you don't care what your children wear, must save a lot of time in the morning.')
5. "I will not overshare information of a personal/medical nature with casual acquaintances."
6. "I will not use my cell phone in a way that encroaches on another's repose."

Nope. Not this year. Instead, I want to address the best way to respond to the proclaimed resolutions of others. There are many reasons why people feel the need to broadcast their intentions--which, incidentally, nearly always fail by mid-January. Some are seeking attention. Some feel that they will be more likely to honor the resolution if they tell a lot of people. Others truly believe that you are interested (these are the ones who need to embrace resolution #5 above). So, here goes.....

Resolution: "I plan to start a fitness program and lose 20 lbs this year."
Grunt Response: "WOW! Really? That's great. You really need it. It's about time."
Grace Response: "Good for you. I hear people love spinning. Have you decided on a strategy?"
Uber-Grace Response: "Good for you. It's a constant battle, isn't it? I try to keep fit with power walking. Let me know if you ever want to join me. I go most mornings before work and do about 40 minutes."

See the difference? The Grunt's abundant enthusiasm emphasizes the person's overweight and unfit state. The Grace sends positive wishes and gives the aspirant a chance to talk about his plans. The Uber-Grace offers good wishes, understanding, and then concrete support in his endeavor.

Resolution: "I am going to get engaged this year."

Grunt Response: "To Whom?"
Grace Response: "Congratulations! Who's the lucky girl/guy?"
Uber-Grace Response: "That's wonderful. I can't wait to meet him/her. Let me know if you want to double date."

In this particular case, it is entirely possible that the resolver has not yet met his/her intended. If so, emphasizing that fact is both counterproductive and discouraging.

Resolution: "I am going to quit smoking/biting my nails/ignoring parking tickets/[fill in other bad habit]" this year."

Grunt Response: "Like Tax Day, this resolution is an annual event."
Grace Response: "Good for you. Best of luck."
Uber-Grace Response: "That's great. My neighbor had good luck with hypnosis/wearing a muzzle/selling her car. Let me know how it goes!"

But it would be nice, wouldn't it, if we could make (and keep) resolutions for others. (Starting with items 1-6 above.) As my Grant of a hubby frequently says, "The world according to Grace....what a wonderful place it would be."

Gracious Thanks for Less Than Stellar Gifts

2011-01-03T09:54:00.019-05:00

We all got one--the heinous gift. Whether it was a reindeer sweater, a gigantic homemade ceramic vase, or a year's supply of turkey jerky, it's here. Now it's time to face the Grace challenge: writing a sincere sounding thank you for said atrocity. Yes, you have to write the note. But I am here to hold your hand, steady your pen, and suggest some phrasing for even the most bizarre and horrid of gifts. Here goes:

I know you are tempted to write:

Dear Aunt Hilda,
I received your package just in time for Christmas. The fact that you think that I would want such a hideous item in my home makes me question whether or not you should still be living without supervision. Where one even finds life size opossum statues is a mystery. The thing scared the crap out of me! I shall destroy it at my earliest convenience.
Truthfully,
Grace

But a Grace would only think it, and possibly share the draft and a snarky giggle with a few discreet, inner sanctum fellow Graces. Instead, a Grace would send the following missive to the misguided Aunt Hilda:

Dear Aunt Hilda,
What a surprise to receive your Christmas gift! The opossum statue is certainly unique and very life like. It was so kind of you to remember us at Christmas as we celebrate our first holiday in our new home. We will definitely be needing accoutrements to adorn our abode. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and generosity.
With Love and Best Wishes,
Grace

Dear Sue and Bill,
You can’t imagine what went through my head when I opened the pink scarf with kittens on it! I wouldn’t use this thing as a tourniquet if I were bleeding to death. Do I look like someone who dresses up in f&*%$#g kitten scarves?
Meow,
Grace

But what you actually write is:

Dear Sue and Bill,
How kind of you to remember my birthday. The scarf is very sweet; my daughter fell in love with it before it was out of the box, so I may be forced to share it with her. Thank you again.
Best,
Grace

Dear Helga,
Many thanks for the lovely sauna towel. I know how much expertise and experience you have in this area, so I know it is of the highest quality and most current style. The anti-bacterial coating and stain resistant finish make it especially useful, not to mention the amazing chartreuse color--my favorite! It was so generous of you to take the time to choose something for me; I know I will enjoy using the towel when I next travel to Finland.
Again, many thanks for such a thoughtful and unique gift.
Best,
Grace K

Dear Vin,
I wanted to thank you for the wonderful bottle of Pinot Noir you gave me for Christmas. I was pleased to share it with my family over the holidays as a perfect accompaniment to our roast duck. It certainly came in handy when my younger brother threatened to drink my Dr. Hauschka Facial Toner if I did not come up with some more hooch pronto! I know how much of a wine connoisseur you are--proven by the wonderful bottle you chose--and I appreciate the care you took in selecting a gift for me.
Many thanks for your thoughtfulness and generosity.
Best,
Grace

For stationery supplies in increasing order of expense, see
Vistaprint.com
AmericanStationery.com
Smythson.com

You don't have to go the personalized route--just please avoid the cards that actually have "Thank You" printed on them. Strenuously avoid anything with big-eyed children, overwhelming cabbage roses, or baby animals. Now get writing Graces!

If you need some additional inspiration, here's Dido with her own version of "Thank You."

Happy Holidays, Graces!

2010-12-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

I'll be signing off through the holiday week for various family visits, gatherings, and travels up and down the east coast. Consider it research for future posts.

I bid you a temporary farewell with one of my fave Christmas classics:

Gracious Grab Bag Gifts

2010-12-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

The 'grab bag' seems to be in vogue this year as a gift giving trend, and I kind of like it. It enables a group (family, office staff, book club, or overeaters' anonymous support group) to enjoy the gift-giving tradition of the season without having to buy gifts for each person in the circle. Each participant purchases an item valued at a predetermined amount, and when the group gathers together the exchange begins.

The exchange can be a simple grab bag arrangement, where all the gifts are placed in a large bin and each person pulls one out, or it can be set up as a "Yankee Swap" (aka "Chinese Auction") in which numbers are drawn out of a hat. The person with number one chooses and unwraps a gift. Number Two then chooses; if Two prefers One's gift, they swap. This procedure continues for everyone at the gathering until the very last, with each successive number having the option to choose from all of the previous gifts. You will see that the Kiehl's bath and body set is frequently commandeered, whilst the reindeer embossed dishtowels languish disconsolately with their unlucky recipient.

After all guests have drawn and opened their gifts, Number One resurfaces and has free range to pick any of the gifts in the room. (In case you are wondering, Two is the least advantageous number in this setup; I ended up with a Wham's greatest hits CD last year as a result of my unfortunate lottery draw.)

In order to avoid this cruel fate (or to be labeled as the person with the worst taste in the crowd,) here are some suggestions for modestly priced gifts that will be frequently swapped and swiped...

Itunes or Starbucks gift card
Bottle of Champagne and non alcoholic cider for New Years Eve
Gourmet coffee/tea
Wine/spirits/beer
selection of mustards or hot sauces
Hand cream and anti bacterial hand gel
fleece or cashmere gloves
scarf and/or hat
bath/body products and/or hair products
olive oil/balsamic vinegar
chocolates
christmas ornament
books (this can be risky, pick a recently published award winner.)
magazine subscription of recipient's choice
scented candles

And nobody does these like "The Office"....I suggest avoiding the holiday oven mitt!

Grace's Homemade Gifts

2010-12-20T07:00:00.001-05:00

Not sure what to get your boss? Feeling a budget crunch? These homemade gift ideas will help you stay on the Gracious path as you navigate these rocky shoals....

Be Our Guest, Be Our Host, Be a Grace

2010-12-17T07:00:00.006-05:00

The following question came in yesterday from a regular reader; my guess is that she may have been in a host/guest situation in which one party did not keep his/her Grace on at all times. But of course my reader, who is a Grace, is far too Gracious to point that out. I infer this, of course, because she asked the question; if both guest and host behaved correctly, the inquiry would not be necessary. What do you think, Graces?

Dear Grace,
Do you agree with this statement: "When you go to someone's house, you accommodate them, not the other way around."?

Grace Says:

Yes and no. Graces are always considerate of other people, so whether we are hosting or guesting we are mindful of others' comfort and ease....kind of like the hospitality extended and received in "Beauty and the Beast." Wouldn't you love to have dancing, singing, serving, (mostly serving) furniture and housewares?

But to answer your question...
I have always been a proponent of "When in Rome....", meaning that when you visit someone, you try to adapt to his habits, even if they are not your cup of Darjeeling. Whether it means drinking a cloyingly sweet port with the appetizers, attending a lecture on the many species of algae inhabiting local ponds, or eating cold pizza for breakfast, good guests go with the flow....within reason.

The flipside of this, of course, is that as a Gracious host, you attempt to, well, be a Gracious host. If your guest is allergic to cats, you clean the guest room before his arrival and keep Fluffy out of there for the duration of the visit. If your guest is a strict vegetarian, don't serve steak with a side of sausage and salad topped with bacon bits for dinner. If she likes to exercise every day, make arrangements for some fitness time; this does not mean you must partake--a pass to the local gym or directions to a walking trail should suffice.

Whichever side of this equation you are on, I hope your counterpart maintains the Gracious standard.

Office Party Etiquette

2010-12-16T07:00:00.002-05:00

'Tis the season....here are some tips on how to keep your Grace on at the office party:

Going Postal

2010-12-15T09:00:00.003-05:00

So there I was in the post office yesterday. Yes, December is a challenging time to go, but it was necessary. I should say up front that the postal workers at my post office are uncharacteristically nice and helpful. This seems to be an aberration in the profession based on my experience in other postal facilities, but I am thankful that this aberration occurred in my ZIP Code. I have often wondered about the theory posited in the movie Men in Black II, which claimed that many postal workers are actually alien beings living on earth disguised as humans. But I digress.

I waited on line to mail some gifts and procure stamps for holiday cards. A fellow customer had been assiduously filling out forms for international shipping and learned as she approached the counter that she had done so incorrectly. The clerk was helpful and kind; she explained the proper procedure, and advised the woman to redo it, and upon completion to return to the counter, not wait in the now serpentine line again. To say the customer was a sourpuss is an understatement along the lines of "Krakatoa was a minor rumble". She grumbled to the clerk, shot daggers at those of us on line, and generally exuded aggressive misery.

Abruptly, she turned toward those of us waiting and snapped, "Who smoked a cigar? It is totally rancid. You should go outside right now." Naturally, no one admitted it (though she did have a point, cigar smoke does linger unpleasantly--but she certainly wasn't going to get anywhere with her approach.) When those of us receiving her wrath shifted uncomfortably, she said, "No one will admit it." Attempting to lighten things up, I said, "Well, under the circumstances, who would?". It became even clearer at that moment that she and I would never be good friends. She continued her not quite sotto voce rant on the foulness of the odor clinging to one of us, and finally finished her transaction.

What is a Grace to do?

Well, you know how I feel about scenes--chew the tongue off first. My attempt to break the ice, which was a reasonable option were we dealing with a slightly reasonable person, failed. At that point, the best choice is silence, peppered with vigilance; you never know when a nut like that might just "Go Postal."

Finally, the Anti-Tobacco League left, and a man (normally I would say "gentleman", but you'll soon see that the label doesn't fit) approached me and began picking at my coat. It was made of down, and sometimes the filling escapes. I looked at him oddly, as he mumbled (it was a big day for mumblers at the local PO) "what have you got here?" "my, my, my, you're losing something," and the like. I glanced quizzically at the postal clerk, with whom I am friendly, and she gestured for me to move away. When I got up to her station, she whispered, "He's a total pervert. He always comes in here and looks for excuses to touch people. One of these days he's gonna get socked!"

I exited stage right with all possible dispatch and planned to have my remaining gifts sent via online orders.

Holiday Tipping, Grace Style

2010-12-14T12:08:00.001-05:00

'Tis the season....Everyone and his mailman is looking for a holiday tribute for providing you with a clean house, safe children, a groomed dog, a landscaped yard, a fed cat....you get the picture. In these lean times, here are my guidelines on how to prioritize, and what to do if your budget simply can't accommodate the customary cash offerings....

NFL Etiquette?

2010-12-13T10:01:00.017-05:00

I am well aware that this sounds like a contradiction in terms. You know I am big proponent of staying in your lane. So I am not here to expound on the lack of etiquette demonstrated by the NFL players in general. I do not expect them to identify a salad fork or draft the proper wording on a formal invitation. But I do expect them to adhere to the codes of conduct that govern their game. It sounds incongruous, I know, but there is an etiquette of football. It's called sportsmanship.

That's why I was so disgusted to learn of the following two incidents that occurred during yesterday's games:

A coach of the NY Jets intentionally tripped an opposing player and injured him.

Trippee Nolan Carroll left the game immediately following the incident but returned at a later point. Teammate Channing Crowder remarked: "He stuck his leg out and tripped him? He should be ashamed of himself. A grown man from the coaching staff? That's high character.” There's a first for everything: an Inside Linebacker on the Gracious path.

Although the other incident that chipped my polish did not involve aggressive interference leading to actual bodily harm, it was egregious nonetheless. Can't Desean Jackson just play well, enjoy his success and move on? Must he rub the other team's nose in it by stopping on the one yard line and collapsing into the endzone? These peacocking displays are obnoxious, hubristic, and ultimately do not serve the team. Let's not forget, Jackson does have a bit of a problem with premature celebrations:

So come on, guys. We're not asking you to serve afternoon tea and scones; we're just asking you to stay on the Gracious side of the line of scrimmage.

RSVP, Damn It!

2010-12-10T07:00:00.005-05:00

With the holidays upon us and parties being thrown like rice at a wedding, now is the time for all good Graces to come to the aid of the party. Shout it from the rafters: RSVP is not optional. Repondez s'il vous plait does not translate into "let the hostess know at some point maybe if you feel like it and remember to unless you get a better offer for something more exciting that night". Nor does it mean "wait til the last minute, then call the hostess and say you're bringing your parents and 5 friends who happen to be in town for the weekend, all of whom are on restricted diets". Or God forbid your uninvited kids.

When you are fortunate enough to receive a kind invitation from a generous host (or even a repugnant invitation from an abhorrent acquaintance) you absolutely, positively must respond. Promptly. I feel even more strongly about this than writing thank you notes--and you know how militant I am about thank you notes.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have been forced into the undignified position of calling invitees 3 days before a party and asking whether they plan to attend. By then, I am so irritated with these louts that I hope the answer is a sheepish no, but as a Grace, I would rather wear pleated pants than be caught short as a host, so I hunt down these miscreants to insure an accurate count and ample supplies. For them. Talk about a flawed system. (well, ok, maybe not pleated pants, but you get my drift.) Provisioning for a party is work (I love it, but it is still work), and it should not be complicated by playing russian roulette with the number of filets mignons you buy at $18.00/lb, or even the number of cocktail franks at $1.29/lb, or for that matter, the number of pizzas you plan to order. Caterers need head counts, and hosts should not pay for guests who have no intention of showing up. If you are one of those people and you are reading this, there is hope for you yet--we will set you on the Gracious Path.

Nearly as bad as the non-rsvp offender is the waffler. This is the charmer who says right up until the day of the party, "I may come by early or late if I have time." or "I am going to a matinee, then dinner, but I will try to come on my way home." Or the lovely who says, "We planned to go out to dinner but will try to come for a drink beforehand." Is this helpful? NO! They don't think about the fact that I now need to consider appetizers and drinks for 2 more, and the possibility that they may just decide to hunker down and stay for dinner once they get here. Do I order 2 more lobsters on this eventuality?

I kid you not, I received an email one morning (10 hours before my party was scheduled to begin) that read "I am sure I am the last person on your list to rsvp. I really want to come but I am going to the boat show today, then out to dinner in Chinatown, but I'll try to come later if I can." Gee, thanks. I was tempted to respond: "Thanks for letting me know. Maybe we'll open the door if you ring, or maybe we'll just leave you standing on the steps." But of course, Graces end up compensating for others' boorishness. I wrote back, "We hope you'll be able to make it; would love to see you." I erased my first draft, not wanting to appear snarky. But I felt very snarky.

Another RSVP no-no: Asking who else is coming. If the hostess volunteers this information, fine. You may graciously respond, "sounds like a fun group," or "Great! I met Greg and Marcia at a benefit last week and loved them. Can't wait to see them again," or "I'll look forward to meeting them all Saturday." Or say nothing. You never want to be the person who says, "Ugh, I can't stand George and Laura. If they are coming I simply won't be able to." This puts the hostess in an awkward position, and, frankly makes you look infantile. I can think of few scenarios which justify backing out at this point, but if you truly think coexisting with said invitee(s) would ruin the party, then be honest: "Abigail, I have to tell you, we are in the middle of a contentious lawsuit with Carol and Mike. Their dog killed our cat last month and we are suing them for wrongful death. I think it would be better if we declined your generous invitation and got together with you and John some other time. Please don't give it a second thought; how could you have known? Have a wonderful party, thank you for thinking of us, and let's pick a date to have dinner very soon. Are you free on the 7th?"

Required: Swiftly Verify Plans. That's what RSVP means. Learn it. Live it. Share it.

Because if you don't, and you simply show up, you are no better than a party crasher. And you know how we feel about them...

The Dos and Don'ts of Re-Gifting

2010-12-09T07:00:00.001-05:00

Pretty soon, your holiday decorations will be put away, your thank you notes will be sent, and your gym regimen to battle the bulge from all those Christmas cookies will be in full swing. At that point it will be time to deal with The Gift. And Graces, like the Boy Scouts (homophobia notwithstanding) must Be Prepared.

We all get one. That total lemon that you wouldn't be caught dead in a ditch with but the fact remains, it's yours. The life size poster of your nephew playing basketball. The sweater with a reindeer on it. The set of decorative plates depicting frolicking kittens. The cuckoo clock. The complete set of Danielle Steele novels. The scarf with a piano key pattern.

Last year, mine was a pair of gold, elbow length gloves studded with rhinestones, suitable for either Ginger on Gilligan's Island (were she to be marooned in a non-tropical location) or the King of Mardi Gras. My solution was simple, I gave them to my daughter for dress up. She was overjoyed. When and if a time comes when the giver catches me, I will play the mommy card: "you know how it is; when your child shows such rapture in something it is hard to say no. And she is so careful with her prized dress-up items that I know she will keep them in pristine shape for me. Her closet is in much better order than mine; I am thinking of putting her in charge of my jewelry next!"

In general, I am a proponent of regifting. It is economical, saving you both time and money. It epitomizes recycling. It means that hopefully someone, somewhere, will enjoy the gift you didn't. But it has to be done with care. In order to regift successfully, I abide by a few Gracious Guidelines:

1. Don't regift where you eat. By this I mean you must ensure that there will be no overlap and zero chance of your getting caught. If you "won" the piano key scarf in the office grab bag, don't give it to your assistant for her birthday next week. Give it to your piano playing niece as a "congratulations on your recital" present. (It might even buy your way out of attending said concert.)

2. Ugly is ugly, don't pass it on. No one (not even Colin Firth) should wear a reindeer sweater. Do not participate in the propagation of this scourge. Cut it into pieces and use it as a cleaning rag.

3. Use the little white lie. When Aunt Tillie asks about how you are progressing through the complete works of Danielle Steele, tell her that you are saving them for your upcoming trip to read on the beach.

In case you are unfamiliar with its origins, here is the etymological source of the term "ReGifting". Thank you, Seinfeld.

With Friends Like This, Who Needs Frenemies?

2010-12-08T07:00:00.002-05:00

Dear Grace,
I recently invited 2 friends to attend a benefit, in fact the biggest social event in our town this season. I did not ask for reimbursement for the ticket expenses, but rather invited both as my guests. We planned to meet for dinner beforehand, then proceed to the party. While one guest (Guest 1) met up with me more or less on time, the second guest (Guest 2) was nearly an hour late. Guest 1 and I discovered that Guest 2 had met up with others instead of joining us for dinner--without telling us, so we ended up waiting for her.

On our way to the gala, Guest 2 asked if I had the tickets, as she wanted to meet up with some other people beforehand. I explained that our tickets were electronically traceable to my credit card, which had to be presented, along with IDs at the door, so separate entry it wasn't possible. We arrived with time to spare so we decided to have a drink in a nearby bar before moving onto the event. At this point, Guest 2 did offer to buy a round of drinks, then complained that the beverage I chose was too expensive.

At the party, Guest 1 and I sat together, enjoying the spectacle and the crowd. Guest 2, seated directly to my left, abandoned our seats as the event began, again to see other people. Guest 2 left us repeatedly throughout the evening. After several hours, Guest 1 and I had had our fill and were ready to leave. Guest 2 had not returned, so Guest 1 and I left. Guest 1 escorted me home in a taxi, which she paid for, then proceeded on her way. Later, Guest 2 texted me, to find out if I left and why. I have not responded.

My question is - does Guest 2 owe an apology to me and Guest 1?

Grace Says:

The straighforward answer is yes, Guest 2 should apologize, and also send a thank you for your generous invitation. The reality is, however, that based on the horror story you shared, the owed apology is likely to arrive with the freezing over of hell, the needle appearing out of the haystack, or the camel fitting through the eye of a needle and the flight of pigs--pick your cliche. And dare I suggest, pick a replacement for 2; she doesn't deserve you.

You may want to batten down the hatches for the inevitable confrontation--people like 2 invariably skate over their own appalling behavior and instead focus on a bone they believe they have to pick with others. Justifiable though your departure was, 2 will undoubtedly make this entire contretemps about your 'abandonment'. Beware of that, and be done with 2. There are lots of other numerals out there who would love to go to a party with you. Maybe you should stick with the odd numbers? No one needs a frenemy, just ask the Mean Girls:

Thanks, But No Thanks

2010-12-07T10:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Grace,

I always enjoy reading your posts! I would love your ideas on the following--my dear and wonderful husband is always so thoughtful and considerate in his gift giving to me. When he does buy me something that I know I may not use, and I know I would enjoy something more do you think I should exchange it? I would never want to hurt his feelings nor dampen his spirit in gift-giving, but Hanukkah is here, and I want to be prepared. Thanks for your advice.

Grace Says:

This is a tricky one, indeed, and like many scenarios, the answer is "it depends". If your dear and wonderful husband (by the way, does he have a brother?) bought you a very expensive item that he hoped you would wear daily and it just isn't to your taste, then you should probably fess up. Try your own version of the following script: "Darling, I really love the tiara you got me for Hanukkah, and I know you bought it thinking I would wear it all the time. When I opened it, I thought I would , too. But I am finding that it isn't really workable for me chasing the kids around the park and careening through the grocery store. I am in a quandary--because I truly love the tiara, but I hate to think that it will spend most of its life on my shelf, and only come out for a few very formal occasions. Part of me would love to trade it in for an eternity band that I would wear 24/7. What do you think?"

If the gift is a smaller ticket item and you can consider appearing in it in public occasionally, then keep it, break it out from time to time and hold your tongue. Keep up the good grace in your appreciation and sensitivity to your lovely husband--and, really, tiaras can be au courant if paired with the appropriate ensemble.

Since you mentioned Hanukkah, I was reminded of Adam Sandler's hilarous 'carol'; couldn't resist sharing it. Enjoy, and Happy Hanukkah!

Sometimes a Recipe is Not Just a Recipe

2010-12-06T11:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Grace,
I strive to be a Grant, I really do. But I got myself into the dog house last night over what I thought was nothing--but my wife disagrees. Here's the scenario:

I was watching a game when she came home last night from a work event. She said hello, then went to the computer and printed out something. I figured she was taking care of some household accounting; we had paid bills together earlier in the day. She came into the den and handed me the papers. I thought it was something I had to sign so I looked up from the game. It was a recipe--for mulled wine.

I hate mulled wine. She knows that, or I thought she did. I looked confused, having expected an electric bill, then must have frowned at the recipe. She said something like "What's your problem?" I was still mystified and said, sort of bemused, "I don't like mulled wine." She grabbed the recipe, huffed off, and shouted "Fine! Then I won't make any for you." She has been in a snit since yesterday and I really can't figure out what I did wrong. Was I rude? I don't even know what to apologize for--hating mulled wine? Please help.

Grace Says:

I'm sure you are a Grant. The fact that you are seeking a solution to this instead of storming off in an equivalent huff tells me that. The decision you need to make is whether you want this episode to be fair or finished.

If you seek fair, then Wife should come to you, hat in hand, and apologize for her irrational reaction to an innocuous response on your part. Realistically, that may not happen, and requiring it may only escalate this contretemps. As Bill Clinton learned the hard way, sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar. (Or, in your case, sometimes a recipe is not just a recipe.)
When considering the cigar, sometimes one must take into account how the tobacco was grown, where it was harvested, the factory in which it was processed--ok, this metaphor may be getting a bit out of control, but I am driving at the following: you don't know what may have preceded the mulled wine outburst. Wife may have had a miserable time at the work event, the household accounting session you had earlier in the day may have stressed her out, the frenzy of the holidays may be overwhelming her.

For all you know, the mulled wine may have been a version of her dear departed granny's brew that was part of the family's Christmas tradition dating back generations, has been lost for a decade, and she just located it on the internet after exhaustive research. (Incidentally, I agree with you about mulled wine; due respect to the hypothetical granny, if the wine warrants sugar and spice it is probably not worth drinking, and if the wine is good enough to drink then it should not be adulterated thus. But I digress.)

Option B is to make it finished, definitely the more practical approach, and the only one you have the ability to implement. There are two approaches here. My preferred method is to forget it and move on; if she is over it without reliving the exchange, then (with apologies to the Fab Four) let it be. If the episode needs to be revisited in order to be put to rest, approach your wife and say, "I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings about the mulled wine. I was distracted, I thought you were handing me something else, and I didn't know the recipe meant so much to you. I am sorry that my reaction was hurtful, and even though I probably won't drink it, I will help you grind the nutmeg and cinnamon if you like."

Any girl worth her Grace would forgive you under the circ's. (I mean, for heaven's sake, you were watching the game and she shoved a recipe under your nose.) If she doesn't, well, you may want to seek advice of an entirely different sort.

Gift Giving 101

2010-12-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

My advice on gifts is nearly always to bestow something consumable--not necessarily ingestible, but something that can be used up. The theory behind this is that even if the recipient does not love your choice, it is not permanent. No doubt you have great taste, but nothing is worse than bestowing an antique Limoges teapot on a household that is an altar to Philippe Stark.

My mother-in-law, who has exquisite and expensive taste, was the unfortunate recipient of a life-sized countertop monkey statue with an outstretched hand to hold bananas for optimal ripening. This was particularly awkward because the giver was someone who works nearby and visits almost daily. Every Friday, like some religious ritual, the monkey is stored in the mudroom cupboard for the weekend.

We have all received the equivalent of the banana monkey at some point in our lives. We hope that we have never given one. In order to ensure that your gifting is Gracious, I offer the following tips:

Don't buy gifts based on what you like. The giftee might adore you, but your affection for Lladro and marzipan? She doesn't share it.
Be wary of wearables. There are too many places to go wrong: size, color, cut...
Be doubly wary of anything that might be considered "home decor". Remember the banana monkey! No one wants a table runner as a gift, "art" is the most subjective of all subjects, and a friend who thinks you want (or even need) a paperweight is an odd sort of friend.
Gift certificates are not a cop-out. My aunt gave me one recently to Williams Sonoma, and I think of her every time I use my new pepper mill. It's such a kick to walk into a store and buy something without spending any money.
Still in doubt? Ask the giftee's spouse/significant other, close friend or sister. They're the ones most likely to suggest something that won't end up re-gifted or in the back of the closet.
If you still think she's going to love the banana-monkey, at least make sure she can return it. Just in case she already has one.

Enjoy this clip from Will and Grace on the hazards of giving a handmade objet d'art....

Savory Surprises

2010-12-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

My homemade gifts are always of the consumable variety. Doubtless there are people who make lovely ornaments, wreaths, or handpainted plates to bestow as potentially cherished gifts. But glue guns, stencils and anything involving silk flowers or wired ribbon make me hyperventilate and break out in hives. I avoid craft stores like the plague. My creativity is culinary, and I love to spread it around during the holiday season. Food gifts work; they are economical, personal, and best of all, not permanent--like the cake plate adorned with your nephew's face or the purple and gold
wreath that prevents your door from shutting properly.....Here, as promised, are some more ideas for the Graces among you who prefer to bestow a savory treat.

1. Parsley Pesto

When the mercury drops, basil, which is the traditional herb for pesto, is hard to come by. If you do manage to find it, it's ruinously expensive and of dubious quality. Parsley is ubiquitous and cheap, and happens to taste great, so I concocted this delicious, accessible, off-season alternative to our fave summer sauce.

4 cups flat leaf parsley, rinsed
4 cloves garlic, peeled
3/4 cup olive oil
3/4 cup parmesan cheese
2 tbsp pine nuts
generous sprinkle of crushed red pepper

Equipment: Cuisinart or blender, small jars or containers.

Mix all ingredients in Cuisinart or blender til completely blended and smooth. Distribute into gift sized jars or plastic containers. Pesto keeps in the fridge for about a week or frozen for several months. It's great tossed on pasta, spread on bruschetta, scooped by the teaspoon into minestrone soup, or slathered on grilled/roasted fish or chicken.

Variation: substitute arugula or cilantro for the parsley.

2. Honey-Mustard Dressing

4 cloves garlic, peeled
1 cup olive oil
1/3 cup mustard
1/2 cup honey
1/3 cup vinegar

Equipment: Cusinart or blender, small jars/containers

Puree til all ingredients are mixed,and dressing takes on a smooth, creamy consistency. Distribute into jars. Honey Mustard Dressing keeps in fridge for about a week. This is great as a salad dressing or as a dip for crudites.

3. Mango Chutney

1 large mango, chopped into 1/2 inch cubes
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup chopped red onion
2 Tbsp white vinegar
1 Tbsp chopped jalapeno pepper (optional; may omit or substitute hotter pepper)
1 Tbsp grated fresh ginger
1/4 tsp turmeric
freshly ground black pepper

Mix all ingredients in 1-1/2 qt microwave safe bowl. Microwave for 7 minutes. Stir, cool, then cover tightly and store in refrigerator. Chutney keeps for 1 week in fridge and is divine on roasted or grilled fish.

4. Dinner

No specifics here, rather some guidelines. Who wouldn't love a cook-free night during the holiday season? This allows you to play to your strengths and give a most welcome gift. Do you make a magnificent mac and cheese? A mean meatball? Perfect Puttanesca sauce? Excellent enchiladas? Superb soup? Ok, enough alliteration, you get my drift. If so, you have a wonderful opportunity to give something that will be really appreciated (just don't give the bacon clam chowder to your Kosher neighbor or beef chili to your vegan hairdresser.) Assuming that you avoid these pitfalls, mix up a batch and deliver it; it can be frozen for future use, or heated for immediate consumption.

Here are some general strategies:

Always use disposable containers--unless the dish/pan is part of the gift. Aluminum baking dishes, one-use Tupperwares, or even giant Ziploc bags work just fine. It sort of undermines the gesture if the grateful recipient has to deal with the hassle of returning your soup tureen long after enjoying your delicious minestrone.
Choose something that has shelf-life. (Remember, during the holiday season, there are lots of nights out, parties, and events that make traditional dinners at home somewhat scarce.) Your creation should be an item that can be stored in the fridge for a couple of days, or is freezer-friendly. Avoid souffles and sushi.
Affix heating/serving instructions to the dish--better yet, write it in Sharpie marker directly on the foil or container.

Perhaps you'll take a cooking class this season to glean further inspiration. If so, I hope it does not resemble this one, from Will and Grace--I do miss that show!

Sweet Surprises

2010-12-01T07:00:00.001-05:00

With the economy in the tank, there is widespread concern about how to express regard and affection for our nearest and dearest, not to mention both the inner ring and outer ring of people on whom rely to make our lives run smoothly--nannies, pet sitters, hairdressers, mailmen, and the like. In lieu of cash or other extravagant material goods, I offer the following suggestions for homemade treats in these lean times.....You'll notice, I'm sure, that fruitcake is conspicuously absent from the list.

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things.....

1. Christmas Bark

1 bag Ghirardelli White Chocolate Chips
1 cup crushed peppermints--candy canes or pinwheels work fine. (Put candy in large ziploc bag and smash with a meat tenderizer, rolling pin, or other heavy, blunt instrument.)

Equipment: 1 baking sheet, parchment paper, cello bags and ribbon

Melt the chips in a microwave bowl on 30% power for 4 minutes. (White chocolate has a tendency to burn, so be sure to keep the power at 30%). When melted, stir til smooth. Add the crushed peppermint and mix well. Spread on baking sheet lined with parchment. Refrigerate 15 minutes, til completely solid. Break into bite-sized pieces and put in the cello bags, tie with ribbon. Note: This keeps in the fridge for weeks, so make a few batches and keep on hand for unexpected gift needs--a bag of homemade Christmas bark accompanied by a tip for the postman or dry cleaner is a very nice, personal touch. There are many variations to this recipe. Use dark or milk chocolate, melt 4 minutes on 50% power (it is much less tempermental than white chocolate) and mix with nuts, dried fruit crushed peppermints or shredded coconut.

2. Chocolate Sauce

1 bag Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Chips
1 cup milk
1/4 cup dry, unsweetened cocoa powder

Mix milk and cocoa powder in small saucepan, heat til bubbles form around rim of pan. Meanwhile, pour chips into medium sized, heatproof bowl. Pour heated milk mixture over chips and stir til smooth. This keeps in the fridge for 10 days or frozen for several months. It's great as fondue or atop ice cream--heated in microwave on 50% power or on stove at low heat. A tablespoon or 2 can be mixed with hot milk for a particularly indulgent cup of hot chocolate.

3. Caramel Sauce

1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1 cup heavy cream
3 tbsp butter
1 1/2 tsp sea salt

Mix sugar and water in medium saucepan. Heat over medium heat for about 15 minutes, til sugar melts and entire mixture browns. Remove from heat, add cream. Sauce will bubble up. Stir constantly til smooth. Add butter and salt. Cool slightly, pour into jars and refrigerate. This only keeps for a couple of days, so don't make an enormous batch for distribution 3 weeks in advance--advise recipients to heat it gently and stir before serving.

4. Cookies

Everyone loves cookies, and there are literally hundreds of recipes to choose from. Check out epicurious.com, the back of the chocolate chip bag, or the top of the oatmeal canister for ideas. No matter the recipe, keep the following tips in mind:

Always use baking parchment. Cookies never stick to it and it eliminates scrubbing.
Always have waxed paper in the house. When you make a batch of dough, separate it into 8 inch long, 1-1/2 inch in diameter logs which you can wrap in waxed paper and store in the fridge (for a week) or the freezer (for a month or more). When you need some cookies, simply slice off the number required, bake them and voila--perfect, freshly-made treats. This is great for gift-giving, but also for general consumption--nothing's better than a right-out-of-the-oven cookie, but you may not want 4 dozen of them sitting on your counter. With the dough log approach, you have great quantity control.
Use cello bags tied with ribbon for economical, attractive presentation.
Choose a basic recipe that offers variety. Make a double or triple batch chocolate chip dough, but before adding the chips, separate the dough into a few different bowls. Add chocolate chips to one, white chips and macadamia nuts to another, dried cherries or raisins to another, 1/2 cup of strong coffee and a few tablespoons of Kalhua to another. This also works with oatmeal cookies--mix some dough with raisins, some with chocolate chips, some with chopped apricots, others with cashews. Also with basic butter cookies--make some vanilla, some lemon, some coconut, some chocolate. This way, you will only have made one type of dough, but a produced a significant variety of cookies.

5. Truffles

1 bag Ghirardelli double chocolate chips
3 oz butter
1 egg yolk
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

Equipment: 5x9 inch loaf pan (or pan of similar size and dimension), parchment or wax paper, cello bags, ribbon.

Line pan with wax or parchment paper on bottom and up sides.

Melt chocolate and butter in microwave at 50% power. Stir til smooth. Add egg yolk and whisk til just mixed. Pour chocolate into prepared pan and refrigerate til firm, approx 45 minutes. Remove from fridge and check texture. Chocolate should be firm but still soft enough to cut without breaking. If it is too hard, leave it at room temp for about 10-15 minutes. Unmold chocolate and cut into 3/4 inch squares. Put cocoa powder in shallow dish, dust your hands with cocoa, and roll each square in cocoa to coat. You can leave them square, or if you believe truffles must be round, roll them into balls between your palms and coat them with the cocoa in the dish. These keep for 10 days in the fridge or 1 month in the freezer. Put a dozen or so in each cello bag, tie with ribbon, present to eager and awed recipient.

6. Sweet and Spicy Nuts

Heat oven to 350.

4 c nuts (I use pecans, but this works with just about any single nut or a mixture)
1 egg white
1 c sugar
1/2 tsp each cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice (or more to taste)
1 tsp salt

Beat egg white til it bubbles. Add nuts and mix. Add all remaining ingredients, mix again. Spread on cookie sheet and bake 20-25 minutes, stirring occasionally to ensure even roasting, til nuts begin to brown. Cool completely and pour nuts into cello bags; tie with ribbon.

Speaking of gifts, ya gotta love this clip from Modern Familywhere Phil expounds on his gift giving prowess, and well, other skills.